father help: What do you do with a father that will never change? - Help.com

Handle him.

I’m sorry , I’m quite awful at responding to one-liners.
C:

What is it that you’re trying to change?

How old is he and you?

It’s not up to you to change someone; it’s up to you to either accept them or not. The only person you can change is yourself. Therefore, you can change the way you deal with him; the way you allow things to get to you; and the way that you feel about it all in your own heart/spirit.

I know what you mean, though. My dad is horrible that way, too….takes lots of growing to be able to “deal with it.” And, for me, it might not ever happen…I try, but it’s not easy

Don’t worry about later, if you have kids you’ll have your own family - he’ll just be grumpy granddad. And he should know better, he should know that some things matter, at least he was there at the graduation? Counts for something. Try to remember he’s human & people can change (but it doesn’t mean they will change).

Some things you just sort of tollerate; but don’t let him ruin your life.

~willard~ wrote:
Im the only one who has graduated high scholl in my family and at my graduation ceremony he treated me like crap because my mom was there. My special day and it was all about him! Im afraid to get married and have kids now because it will be all about him.

Being afraid of future events because of him is allowing him to control you and your future. Why would you do that? You need to make decisions independent of him and whatever his antics might be. If he has never taken you into consideration when it comes time to making you feel bad, you need to wash yourself of him. I’m not saying forget about him completely, he’s your dad after all, but make decisions based on what would make you feel good and what would be beneficial to you without worrying about him. Once you make those decisions and you have carried them through, then notify him. As far as the getting married and being afraid of him, remember that is not his day, it’s YOUR day! Allowing someone else to sabotage it and ruining it for you because you give them too much importance, it’s basically sabotaging it yourself without anybody else’s help.

When people are too selfish and self centered because they only think about themselves, the best best would be to ignore them. If and when you decide to get married, if you want to have him give you away and you ask him, just mention it like it’s the most natural thing in the world because it will be and it should be to you and him. If he gives you a song and dance and tryes to throw in a dog and pony show to make you feel bad, just say this. “I asked you out of courtesy and respect because you’re my father and I would have loved having you walk me down the aisle and give me away to my future husband, I see I made a mistake. I will ask somebody else. I will never bother you again. You will receive an invitation in the mail. I hope that at least you’re there to share that special day with me. It’s up to you. Good bye.” And leave it at that. No emotion, no drama. You can do that because that exorcises those bad feelings that you might get from not asking him first. But you need to have that out with him and you need to let him know that it hurts you when he behaves like that. Believe me, once you tell him that, he will get the point that he hurt you. Then the ball is going to be in his court and you will be free of any guilt.

What exactly happened between your mom and dad for them to break up?

Why is he so angry towards your mom?

When people treat me like that, I just cut them out of my life. Life is hard enough without having to deal with people who are just trying to make it harder.

i told mine to leave me alone, haven’t spoken to him in nearly 3 years. sometimes i feel guilty, but i know he won’t change, so there’s no point getting myself down over it, some things just are the way they are.

A woman has to do what a woman has to do to keep her sanity.

~willard~ wrote:

Jubilee wrote:
i told mine to leave me alone, haven’t spoken to him in nearly 3 years. sometimes i feel guilty, but i know he won’t change, so there’s no point getting myself down over it, some things just are the way they are.

But thats so sad! I dont want that to happen!

yeah it is sad, but like littlenick quite rightly said sometimes you just have to do something. i’m not saying you do, but for me the choice was spend the rest of my time being uncomfy, emotionally manipulated or ignored (when it suited him) by my father, or take control and realise that the benifits i was getting out of the relationship were far, far outweight by the drawbacks. it is sad, but i’m happier for it in a weird way, and i would (and have) made the same decision again.

i didn’t think i did either, you’ll be surprised what you can do. again, please don’t think i’m telling you to do this, i don’t know either of you or the situation enough to say what is the right thing to do, i’m just saying what i did in my position. but i will say that there comes a point when you have to put yourself first, it’s not easy but it’s sometimes the right thing to do. at the very least it’ll show him that you won’t be pushed around and that he’s hurt you.

Willard, he is still your father. I understand not having the heart to do that. I have grown up in the same sort of situation; and my dad is a control freak, too. I have three kids; and I’m afraid to let him be alone with them because I think that he tells them all sorts of negative things that they then believe.

By the same token, it’s very hard to just not have him in our lives. I WANT to have a good relationship. I just have to set boundaries.

And, I don’t know about all the ppl who say that kids should just ignore parents/cut parents out of their lives/etc. I would be devastated if my kids decided some day to not talk to me, simply because of mistakes that I have and will make in raising them. And, I KNOW I’m not the best mother; I KNOW that I do things wrong. But I also DO try to do my best and have my kids’ best interest in mind when I make decisions. My dad was probably the same way; but his ideas of my best interests are different than my ideas of my best interests….therefore, we conflicted a lot. He was actually pretty abusive. But, he IS still my dad and I can look (now that I’m older) at some of the reasons he acted how he did. It does NOT excuse his actions; and the way he acted is NOT something that I would chose to do….but he did what he could at the time…

Still, to this day, he and my mom both try to control my life. I definitely have to set strict limits and I have to dig deep inside to not bend to their will.

So, for you, being as young as you are: I think that the best thing you can do is to practice setting limits and boundaries NOW…before you have kids and a husband. You love your dad, you want him to be part of your life, but you have to dictate which parts of your life he can be in….

one of the things that helped me was that i gave him a real chance. i let go of all the stuff that he’d done to the rest of my family and to me, and all of the mistakes he made, and i tried to get to know him as if i’d just met him. when i did that i realised two things; firstly that i didn’t actually like him as a person, and secondly that even with a clean slate he just went back to the way he was, and that he wasn’t going to change. that made the decision easier for me, because if i had liked him, or he had made the effort i know i would have acted differently.