Family help: I don’t know what to do. - Help.com

wow, this sounds really tough.

despite your good amount of information, i feel that i’m not too familiar with your religion. and i don’t know how much that ’sexism’ is composed of… religion or culture?

how about, sticking to your ‘humdrum’ job after university while saving money to pursue other studies? i don’t know if this is a plausible solution. i’ve seen several success stories of muslim women though, i’m sure you’ve seen them also. what may be the prerequisites you have in common with them?

is leaving your family (at least geographically) an option once you graduate from university?

To be honest, I think the sexism is a result of both religion and culture. The religion may perhaps have been twisted to conform more to the culture, or vice versa, I don’t really know.

The basic job my dad expects me to get, I expect it’s merely to give me some experience of working life so he doesnt feel guilty about marrying me off too early. I dont think it’s a plausible solution though because the job is merely to fill the gap before my parents find someone for me to marry. It’s merely a waiting game from then on in.

Once I graduate from university, I have a fair bit of money left over from student loans and stuff, and it probably would be possible to live by myself in my own place, but things would be extremely tough. Plus, if I move away from home after uni, alone as a single Muslim girl, I’d probably be disowned. Which makes me want to laugh because it’s so hopeless.

i see, i thought of the ‘waiting game’ too but i wasn’t too sure. and your answer about sexism and religion and culture is interesting.

i have another thing to ask but before that… will you pardon my ignorance and elaborate on what do you mean by being ‘disowned’? i have an idea but i want to be sure first what it means to your religion/culture. if that is ok..

i understand that you love your family, that they mean a lot to you and your culture is very family oriented-but honestly, whose life is it?
not theirs.
imagine yourself 50 years down the track, do you want to have regrets that you didnt do what you wanted with your life?
family should be there to support you, not make you do what they want.
if i were you, i would go it on my own. tough it may be, and your family may disown you….but at least its your life. and you can do what YOU want.
i personally couldnt handle being told what to do and wouldbe outta there in minutes.

Oh, being ‘disowned’ means that my family will give me the cold shoulder (which is probably too ’soft’ to count); ‘abandon me’; be ashamed of me and pretend I never existed, by cutting off all contact with me. lol

Anonymous wrote:
Oh, being ‘disowned’ means that my family will give me the cold shoulder (which is probably too ’soft’ to count); ‘abandon me’; be ashamed of me and pretend I never existed, by cutting off all contact with me. lol

is this something you can accept? sometimes when i consider solutions/make decisions i think of the worst case scenario first and see if i can accept it.. this way i’ll be more confident (and i guess, less fearful) about my stand. coz i think when it comes to the point where you father presents your potential husband.. you saying no would also equate to getting disowned right. and as you said, you can’t accept this arranged marriage. what does getting ‘disowned’ mean to you and what are you willing to compromise for the sake of not getting disowned?

yea, i understand what it means.
and i cant imagine how hard that would be.
but i can youre obviously extremely intelligent, ambitious and really worth far far more than a crap job and an arranged marriage.
i hope you can see that too, and have the courage to choose your own path.
would you consider going out on your own and doing what you want?

Courty, I think I’ll have to. Thank you so much for oyur kind words.

Vivz, you make an excellent point, and a useful one. I was planning on doing whatever my parents said (except get married), and assumed they’d let me live with them and look after them forever, even if it meant I remain single. But I know how unrealistic that is, and anyway, being single for all one’s life is forbidden in Islam. Marriage is compulsory.

The reason why I don’t want to marry, or at least marry someone who I know isnt going to enforce their strict rules and ideologies on me is because I’ve grown up around women and men in arranged marriages and I’ve seen how hard it is… Many women in my family are resigned/expect to be staying at home and looking after the baby whilst the husband is the only/primary breadwinner. Also, many women in my family have been subject to domestic violence. I don’t want that.

i really admire the courage you have to stand up for yourself like that. i really hope it all works out for you.

Anonymous wrote:
Courty, I think I’ll have to. Thank you so much for oyur kind words.

Vivz, you make an excellent point, and a useful one. I was planning on doing whatever my parents said (except get married), and assumed they’d let me live with them and look after them forever, even if it meant I remain single. But I know how unrealistic that is, and anyway, being single for all one’s life is forbidden in Islam. Marriage is compulsory.

The reason why I don’t want to marry, or at least marry someone who I know isnt going to enforce their strict rules and ideologies on me is because I’ve grown up around women and men in arranged marriages and I’ve seen how hard it is… Many women in my family are resigned/expect to be staying at home and looking after the baby whilst the husband is the only/primary breadwinner. Also, many women in my family have been subject to domestic violence. I don’t want that.

i didn’t know marriage is compulsory in Islam. indeed, i have to know more about other religions. :)

i can see why you don’t want to marry (definitely!). and it pains me to see that an intelligent woman such as yourself (which is almost of the same age as i am) is cornered into such. it may be too selfish/insensitive to give this advice because i’m not facing such a hard reality. but will you consider accepting ‘disownment’? (if there is such a word). for me, it’s really a question of your family and culture versus your future. choosing one over the other doesn’t make the latter less important… it’s just that, there is a choice you have to make.

i really sincerely wish you the best of luck. :)

Thank you very very much.

It’s really helped writing things out, and your responses have given me hope. I have just spoken to my mother and hopefully she can persuade my dad to let me have another year studying the LPC.. she seems rather adamant, which is good.

Thank you so much again, and God bless :)