dating help: Looking for advice?

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I am a 31 year old woman dating a 42 year old man who has a 15 year old son.
My boyfriend and I work for New York City’s Dept of Education and his son lives in Florida . His son visits his father in new york for the winter break and entire summer break .(late may to mid august) This is the 4th summer I have been with my boyfriend. For the past 3 summers this never bothered me I have been a supportive girlfriend seeing my boyfriend once a week scheduling our vacation when his son leaves seeing his son a few times during his summer vacation. I achieved two masters degree, work in a home school setting, kept myself busy with my friends and family throughout each summer understanding this was his way of life before he met me. However this summer sticking to the same schedule it bothers me that my boyfriend does not carve any time for me. I see how he treats his son as a friend and caters to his every need and demand. The son never says thankyou doest not like to share and if you are somewhere with him (beach, restaurant) and he wants to go he will demand his way until he gets it. I don’t believe in this type of parentining and found myself not wanting to be a part of this circus. Plus naturally I am having the “where is this going” relationship talk because I would like to get married and have a family one day and he says he loves me but is not making any move. I feel he does not need to fill that part of his life because he already experienced it. What makes matters worse is his son was suppose to go back to Florida this Fri and my boyfriend and I was suppose to go away next Tues. My boyfriend’s ex thought school started the 17th but it starts the 24th now the son wants to stay another week so no vacation. I am really annoyed and feel it is so unfair. I know the whole children come first. But didn’t the son come first for 13 weeks, 6 days a week, 24 hours a day. They spend every day together. My boyfriend continues with his hobbies takes his son along the only one who gets dropped is me. To make matters worse I never met his family because they have a loyalty to his ex even though they have not been together for 11years. My boyfriend has gulit that he should of stayed in that drama relationship for his son’s sake. I love him but am tired of being in a mistress role and more tired of our relationship not being nurtured. The son’s mother is a winner dont take him to the doctors, dentist, or eyedoctor all year sends him to new york with a laundry list to do. The son is failing school because he don’t like to do homework and classwork and my boyfriend gives no consequences and feels bad for him because he comes from a broken home. I tell my boyfriend that is an excuse I came from divorce parents and did very well . (educationally that is not in the boyfriend department) I love him but feel my needs are not being met and wonder if I stay in this relationship and it does go further myself and possible baby will always take a back seat do to his first son/ex. Once again dating someone with children you always come in second but I feel this is extreme.

This open post was written 3 months, 4 weeks ago | V/U/S: 85, 3, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.

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lucy_h 1 #
An Unknown Location | 3 months, 4 weeks ago (3 minutes after post)

If you guys have been dating that long and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, and looking at this kind of relationship with the whole deal with your boyfriend’s family and all, I would say that you should move on. Even if it’s hard, especially having been with someone that long…but I advise finding someone who has not already started a family before, or at least someone more decent. Someone who raises their kid like that is not someone you want to raise kids with.

Hope I helped.

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dminade #
An Unknown Location | 3 months, 4 weeks ago (13 minutes after post)

Thanks for responding all advice is helpful.

This account has been deactivated.

littlenick 159 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 months, 4 weeks ago (20 minutes after post)

Did you not set the ground rules when you started dating? Did you not communicate to him what you expected out of this relationship? If you guys actually talked about it, you guys did not make it too clear for each other. From the sounds of it, sounds like his son comes first and foremost and they just put you on the back burner for when he needs you or wants you to do the minimal stuff and meet his needs and expectations.

As educated as you are, I’m surprised you have allowed yourself to be put in a position of second fiddle. Because, as you say, sure children come first but there have to be limitations and certain expectations from you have to be met.

The son, at 15 yeas old, knows which buttons to push with his father and will continue to do so until the father cannot provide for him or the son turns 18 and finds it “boring” to visit the father. But with no discipline and no values, I predict that once he sees his father as being of no more use to him, then you will be allowed to have him all to yourself. Is it going to be too late by then? Probably.

I think your boyfriend is setting himself up for a fall by not providing discipline for this 15 year old young man who needs a lot of it and needs some guidance in life. I predict that as soon as this kid turns 18 he will either stop coming to see his father or will continue mooching from him even through long distance. By then, who knows, any other woman in your position would have dropped him and told him goodbye. You have waited too long and by now your biological clock is ticking really loud and you’re hearing it and are finally paying attention to it. You deserve to be happy too.

You need to make up your mind as to whether you are going to continue in the role that maybe you, yourself, have allowed to be put into to. And that is, the second banana to a spoiled child.

It’s a tough decision but one you’re going to have to make soon before you find yourself with no more biological clock or without the ability to procreate for someone else.

Should I stay or should I go? That’s a question that you are going to have to answer yourself and it will have to be a permanent answer. I only hope for your sake that you make the right one, even if for your own peace of mind and happiness.

I predict that since you came here to ask for just that little push for someone to tell you that you should walk away and move on, you will do it. And now, it’s not a matter of if you are going to do it, but how soon. Now time is of the essence.

The sooner the better so you can meet someone else who values you and does not put you in the back seat for when they’re good and ready for you.

Good luck!

Did you not set the ground rules when you started dating?  Did you not communicate to him what you expected out of this relationship?  If you guys actually talked about it, you guys did not make it too clear for each other.  From the sounds of it, sounds like his son comes first and foremost and they just put you on the back burner for when he needs you or wants you to do the minimal stuff and meet his needs and expectations.

As educated as you are, I'm surprised you have allowed yourself to be put in a position of second fiddle.  Because, as you say, sure children come first but there have to be limitations and certain expectations from you have to be met.

The son, at 15 yeas old, knows which buttons to push with his father and will continue to do so until the father cannot provide for him or the son turns 18 and finds it "boring" to visit the father.  But with no discipline and no values, I predict that once he sees his father as being of no more use to him, then you will be allowed to have him all to yourself.  Is it going to be too late by then?  Probably.

I think your boyfriend is setting himself up for a fall by not providing discipline for this 15 year old young man who needs a lot of it and needs some guidance in life.  I predict that as soon as this kid turns 18 he will either stop coming to see his father or will continue mooching from him even through long distance.  By then, who knows, any other woman in your position would have dropped him and told him goodbye.  You have waited too long and by now your biological clock is ticking really loud and you're hearing it and are finally paying attention to it.  You deserve to be happy too.

You need to make up your mind as to whether you are going to continue in the role that maybe you, yourself, have allowed to be put into to.  And that is, the second banana to a spoiled child.

It's a tough decision but one you're going to have to make soon before you find yourself with no more biological clock or without the ability to procreate for someone else.

Should I stay or should I go?  That's a question that you are going to have to answer yourself and it will have to be a permanent answer.  I only hope for your sake that you make the right one, even if for your own peace of mind and happiness.

I predict that since you came here to ask for just that little push for someone to tell you that you should walk away and move on, you will do it.  And now, it's not a matter of if you are going to do it, but how soon.  Now time is of the essence.

The sooner the better so you can meet someone else who values you and does not put you in the back seat for when they're good and ready for you.

Good luck!

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