Please…
right now I just need someone to listen to me…someone…anyone…
Hi…Well…I guess that the first thing I should say is that my name is James. I was born in a small town out in the middle of nowhere. Where closed minded people are all too numerous. Its the kind of town where you can walk down the road and almost always see or meet people you know. Wither it be teachers or friends…I guess that it was my great misfortune to be gay in a town like this.
At first I never knew that i was gay. People had just always assumed that I was “different” those people had no idea how right they were. When I was young I would do things…like wear my moms perfume, or let my sisters dress me up in their gowns to figure out which ones they liked more. I guess that’s where the abuse begins.
My father was the typical Christian. He was strong, and opinionated to an absurd degree…and when he would catch me doing…”queer” things he would hit me until I apologized.
Now things continued to get worse…I used to go to church, and at this church their was this one boy I had a crush on. He was cute, charming, but not the brightest bulb in the utility closet. I would look at him…and feel different. I would feel like my heart would be about to burst out of my chest! But I knew that I would never do anything with him because of how scared i was of my homophobe father. But in the story of my life this is where the knight in shining armor turns into the dragon. I dont wish to go into details…but the boy from teh church raped me…over and over again…but I was to scared to tell anyone because my dad would kill me if he knew…then one day the priest walked in on him in the act. He caught us and needless to say my dad found out. He screamed, hit me, and then walked out of the door and out of my life…I havent seen him since.
So I came out…to everyone…to my mom, my sister, my whole family, and my school. The later of the choices was not something I should have done. Ever since I came out I have been beaten, stalked, threatened, I’ve had dead animals left in my locker, and now I cant even go out for a walk without being scared for my life!!
I’m tired of it…I’m tired of living in fear! Most people go through life without ever looking death in the face…I’ve had to do it more times than I would like to remember. I’ve had my head smashed on the side of the road, and I have the scar to prove it…what did I do to deserve being treated like this…What did I ever do to anyone that justifies a 17 yr old boy drowning in a pool of his own blood on the side of the road!!!
At this rate, I wont live to see my seinor prom. At this rate I wont make it to my high school graduation. I dont know what to do. I dont know where to go, and I feel like I’m running out of time.
I took your advice and I tried to be as strong as I possibly could…but being strong doesnt seem to be enough for me to cope with everything that is happening.
I’m not fishing for sympathy…I just…I have no one else to talk to and I dont know what to do
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