My conflict… - Help.com

Cell wrote:
Yeah…life is tough…helping others helps.

It’s a beautiful struggle. I’ve focused a lot on helping others in the past, now it’s me time :-)
Hope that helping me helps you…

Сталь wrote:
well, you have us, and thats a constant.

this place is great, thanks to the people here. Been here a year and it has helped a lot.

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
i didn’t get anything about ur post!!!!!!!!!!!i’d apresciate explaining me more;what’s ur conflict?!?!
sorry i’m not english

It’s a difficult idea to understand. The conflict is the balance of changing my desired actions in order to fit in with the “group”. It might be easy to say “don’t bother” but the group can punish you or abandon you if you don’t fit at least a small amount.

Sans wrote:
I think you can be “Creative, relaxed, real, unrestrained, fulfilled, happy” and still be accepted if you find the right friends.

True true. I think it is more about me accepting me. I’ve got some good friends, so this is mostly past hang ups.

Sans wrote:
Successful is a matter of perspective. Is a creative person successful if he/she is stuck in an accounting career but makes good money?

Fair point. I was successful in IT, but I was unhappy in my job. Hope it leads to being happy one day.

Sans wrote:
And you’ll only be “safe” when you are no longer afraid of the worst that could happen to you if you be yourself.

ohhhh, ok, then run with that. Worst that could happen… has happened. Hmm, not quite, in not in jail, I’m not dead. I can’t go around pushing away or removing anyone who has or could hurt me, that’s just silly. I can’t just be a tantrum throwing child who is angry scared and confused, I also need to be competent adult.hmm, nice way of thinking about it, not afraid to be me… I was afraid, I am afraid - and facing fears has been what I have been doing these last few years.

tricky wrote:
i think you are trying too shew on things you cant even bite, i think you need to go easy on the subject of real and happiness they aint that simple…

I can bite them. :-)
I know when I am not being real, I learnt what it feels like. There are little tells too, like I stretch the truth about a topic, or I get competitive and need to win. Happiness I have come to know as well, a deep sense of satisfaction with my direction.

tricky wrote:

about safe:

never be safe,if you feel safe in ur life it means that you are not trying anything new and you are actually digrading for who doesnt move forward in life will fall backward, and to move forward you have to try new things ” the core of mans spirit comes from new experiences”… there is only trying to move forward if you dont do that you have already failed… being in ur safe zone is the worst thing you can actually do to urself, instead you should always try new things…

Understood. I’m more talking about the basics like food and shelter. No point not paying rent and ending up on the street - that I believe distracts from moving forward - you just clamp down and have to spend even more brain power on staying warm and dry. I have seen batman begins, read the life story of Buddha, fight club, and enjoy hiking for a few days in the wild - but safety is a human need.

My take on it from babysitting a toddler is that they need to feel safe, and know that the safe place will be there when they get back from adventuring. They head out, they exhaust themselves, then head back to recuperate. If they don’t have a safe place to recover, then they freak out and never develop. Yes, thats simple, but I realised I didn’t get that safe feeling - ever - so now I spent my life trying to win it from parents. Now I realizes I’m better to bet on me. Sure this is obvious and simple on the conscious level, but subconciously it motivates some strange behavior.

But yeah, putting your self out of your comfort zone is great.

name with no face wrote:
Safe, accepted, successful

these are three of the least needed things in life… unless that safe part means being safe from dying today, or in the next ten seconds. in which case, Don’t chew that stick of uranium enriched bubble gum!

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/ev…
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/eli…

I thought you might appreciate these…

yes, yes I do. Thanks.

the first talk seemed inconsistent. Great success stories of women over coming hardship - win. I get that they had a cause above their own safety, but then that just changes their meaning of success. I saw it all as about acceptance, as more community sections came together and accepted a new idea. And those shelters are about creating a safe and supportive place for women to go. I really don’t see how this fits with her opening idea, but I’d be happy to be enlightened.

And the 2nd one :-) I’ve seen it before and I do love it. My take - You must let yourself be slightly out of control in order to be creative, but if being uncontrolled has been dangerous in the past, you’ll stick to known safe ways fo doing things… hmmm, hmmm hmmm. got to chew on this one.

tricky wrote:
ok i think we are talking about different things :D
real = reality :D (at least this is what i thought)
so am not gona go into reality and stuff :D

Well said, I’m not having existential crisis, so the better word than “real” would be…
Authentic, “to thine own self be true” etc. Good to clarify that in my head too.

tricky wrote:
“Happiness I have come to know as well, a deep sense of satisfaction with my direction. “
well put my friend ^_^

Thanks, I hope a compliment from you in high regard.

tricky wrote:
oh ur talking about the physical safe ^_^… well ofcourse we need safety , that’s the most important part without it we would die or something :D…

i believe this is how the body functions :
priority of the body : 1- survive , 2- happiness
without the 1st you cant atchieve the second so the first is essential :)…

i still dont get why cant you see safe and happiness in the same bracket ^_^…
if you have a home and are eating and drinking and have money you are safe, are you not ?

Others would look at my situation and think I am safe, and probably I am, but I have been hurt in the past and so the mind looks out for similar situations and avoids them. I was hurt when young and in a variety of ways, that my toddler mind built the idea that the entire world was dangerous :-( This is not workable, so the whole thing got shoved deep down and ignored, but it comes out in strange ways.

I have to work hard to be able to access the fears, but even saying things out loud like “I have never thought the bible was real”, “I don’t hate gays”, “you are wrong”, “I don’t love you”, “I matter” - if I have opened up that bit of my mind, I get a vision of my door being kicked in and being beaten to death. I know intellectually I am safe, but my soul ( or what ever name suits ) has never risked existing in the real here and now.

The world is built around your earliest memories, but for me, that world was unlivable, so I had to create a new one. I was *me* but that didn’t work, so I had to be something else. Now, after 28 years, I feel it might be time to be me again.

I might be safe, but the world might go crazy, paint me as evil, beat me, hate me, and then ignore me. Seems unlikely response just to me being authentic, but stranger things have, and did, happen :-(

poor me, poor me. The world just doesn’t have a history of being fair, or comfortable with the truth.

Am I able to do it without them. Yes.
Am I able to do it alone? No, that’s why I have to post.

I am not feeling sure of what I’m saying, there are many thoughts competing. If I just wrote clear and lucid text, I’d have nothing to write. I don’t have a point yet, but I got a lot on my mind.

sp - hold a compliment from you in high regard

Any idea on how to feel connected when no one seems to understand? hmm hmm.

Is this where art or something helps? I’m angry, intelligent, and lost - and people of course don’t want to connect with that. So don’t tell them, hmmm. Or accept that most people can’t or don’t want to understand- they have their own path and I like them feeling free to walk it. So why do I need this validation… Maybe I believe I can’t fight on my own, but who am I fighting?

I do have to organise my problems, I think I’ll leave it for a few days and look again at what the first step is.

Thanks again BW, that was helpful.

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
2 tell u the truth i have the same problem….
but about ur problem;can’t u be in a group which has ur admireable features?!?!i mean if u don’t enjoy some behaviours don’t force urself,go find s.o who fits ur demenours…my problem is my society…

Thanks for asking for an explanation, it makes sense to you then? Cool. Thanks for taking the time to do that.

find a group that has admirable features… hmmm. not sure what that would be. I was treated badly by religion, but having spend time in a communist country that bans it, I don’t like that much either. I’m picky and conflicted I guess.
A group that accepts, supports, love - ahh, roses and butterflies for everyone.
Ok, I guess I’d just like a group that I can feel safe enough, real enough, and then uses and expands my abilities - like help.com