marriage help: I need something, but I don’t know what. - Help.com



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I need something, but I don’t know what.

Last year, my wife confessed to cheating on me multiple times throughout our relationship. The last time was just a few months before she confessed. At the time she confessed, I was a very devoted christian. I had been very active in church and I prayed every day. She expressed her remorse, and I had forgiven her. Through the course of this last year, I just can’t seem to let it go. I can’t forget.

What makes it worse is that ever since then, she has been refusing sex with me. In the last year we have had sex 4 times. I feel like she ripped my heart out by confessing, and now is just kicking me when I’m down by rejecting me.

The hardest part is that she refused to give me any information about who these men are. Not even a name. Her reasoning is so that I don’t go do something stupid and get arrested. But I just feel like she is trying to hold on to the emotions she still has. If I know their name and see their face, then it’s like it will be completely over, but if she keeps their identity hidden from me, she can still have the affair in her mind.

Honestly, though, if I knew who they were, I most certainly would hunt them down and cut their d**ks off. Or at the very least, beat them with my bare hands so bad that they are unrecognizable to anyone. I can’t help but wish for their own wives or girlfriends to cheat on them so they know how it feels.

I am feeling every emotion known to man. From one day to the next I could be angry, sad, full of hate and rage, ready to rip someones head off just for looking at me wrong. When it comes to sex, I want it every day, just to make up for what those men took from me. The few times that we have had sex, it has been very angry sex. No, I do not hurt her, but there is no love in the act at all. I just have these feelings that, while we are together, she owes me sex. And I just get what I want from the experience and I don’t care at all if she enjoys it.

I know all this sounds bad. I also pray for myself to get through this, but I don’t seem to be getting better. It still hurts, and I find myself becoming numb inside just to make it through the day. I have turned the pain into either hate or just numbness because I can’t take the hurt. I’m not so depressed that I want to end it all. I just wish I could forget what she did, or just find a way to get past it, and love her again. We are still together, but emotionally we are distant. I feel abandoned by her. Like we were supposed to be in this together, and now I’m in this alone. Like she doesn’t care about the commitment, or me at all.

This open post was written 3 months ago | V/U/S: 100, 2, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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happily_married offline Verified User (3 months) Long Term User Shouts: 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 months ago (1 day, 9 hours after post)

you might want to separate, and give yourself time and space to reconnect with God. you’re overloaded, quite understandably. this is deep stuff and the solution will have to be really deep too, especially since it sounds like its hit you so deep it has affected your faith.

numb, you’re not doing yourself or her any good, and it really can’t get better until you get to a stable honest place of your heart being open again, which i think will take time and patience and mercy on your part…from you to you. i think you need to disengage a bit from your marriage for you to really give yourself permission to feel what’s in your heart. can’t heal a wound unless you open it and clean it out (and then it heals by itself)

and God knows best

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Anonymous #
3 months ago (1 day, 9 hours after post)

Thank you. I have not totally lost my faith, and I do pray every single day. Though I sometimes wonder why it has to take so long to heal. Probably because, like you said, I need to let myself feel in order to heal. It is just very hard to feel that, especially now that I closed my heart.

I appreciate your advice. Honestly, I was hesitant on posting anything, due to the fact that I’m not usually one to air out my laundry to people. It felt good to open up though.

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