friends help: Bad grades, bad child, f**ks sake.

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Bad grades, bad child, f**ks sake.

I start at sixth form in a week.
I’m so worried I haven’t slept for almost three days.

High school was a total disaster for me, I was so excited and enthusiastic when I first started, got put in gifted and talented classes and voted to be part of school council and all that jazz. But high school really disappointed me, it was like the teachers couldn’t care less, and it was such a small village school there was barely any choice friends-wise. So I ended up staying friends with the girls who lived near me who I had known since primary school. I didn’t really have a whole lot in common with them, and they were capable of being very immature when it came to being b*tchy or trying to be “queen bee”. It wasn’t really a group of friends, it was a hierarchy, a league table. And all of them spent their whole time trying to claw their way to the top and be the most important of the group. There was no trust, no unconditional loyalty.

I was unhappy and as soon as my behavior began to reflect that, I was labeled a “problem child”, which just made the problem worse. It seemed the teachers didn’t want me to improve, and although I know I’ll get a lecture about “taking responsibility” for saying this, I really honestly believe that the teachers decided not to like me. I ended up being the one always in detention, and I eventually got temporarily excluded. When the exclusion was over, I just barely went in. I couldn’t stand it there. I started starving myself, I started throwing up my food, I wanted a focus, a distraction. I ended up at the doctors. My attendance went down, I was detached from everyone in my year. It was as if I was another species, I was just so separate and distanced from them. I wasn’t part of the “gang” anymore, they went out places without me. It made me resentful, they sensed this. A divide was drawn between us, and they took to seeing me as a rival, especially the “leader” of the group, who just lately has been particularly spiteful in manipulating the rest of the group into turning their backs on me. She is making my life a misery.

Today I went to find out my grades. In french I got a U, in maths I got a D, in science I got an E. My only good grades were in English which was an A, and drama which was a B. Not enough to get into sixth from, so I phoned them up and managed to beg my way in.

So now I have a place there.

But what if it turns out like high school did? All I want is a new start, I want to meet new people, find friends whose company I genuinely enjoy, I just want to relax, fit in, learn and achieve. But I’m so scared it will all go wrong again. So scared that it’s making me sick.

I just want things to be right.

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thingsishouldnthav 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 months ago (38 minutes after post)

Number one: despite the fact that there are a lot of people who take it as sacred duty to protect teachers, consider them sacrosanct from any form of bias or discrimination, it is not true. It is entirely possible (and sadly, believable) that your teachers may have given up on you when you began to be considered a problem child. You’re clearly intelligent enough to use the English language properly, and told your story quite eloquently, which does indicate (to me at least) that you are more intelligent than your grades and your teachers’ attitudes towards you suggests.
When you say that your behavior started to reflect your unhappiness, do you mean that you acted out? Did you perhaps get into fights, or become antisocial in such a way that the staff interpreted your actions incorrectly and assumed you were just being troublesome? At least with sixth form you have an opportunity for a new start in that regard. New teachers (I assume) and a new environment can be amazing for setting a fresh example of yourself. Even if the teachers and your classmates are going to be the same, you can take time to try to relax and refresh so that you aren’t approaching school with the same attitude you had before. Consider it a fresh page as far as your repeated run-ins with detention are concerned. Even if you don’t care for the social atmosphere, do try to remember that your education in and of itself is important. High school (as interminable as it may seem) does not last forever. Neither will sixth form. And getting good grades and working to your potential can quite honestly be an opportunity to get out of your town, and go somewhere to get a fresh start; either with your continuing education or with a job. Try to keep that in mind when your schoolwork starts to slip because of the unpleasant people in your social scene. They will quite soon be in your past.

Now, as for your eating habits… it’s unfortunately very common for people to try to feel in control of their out of control lives through either bulimia or anorexia, both of which you have possibly shown symptoms of. I was there, honey. I was bulimic for about four years myself (also around High School, surprisingly enough ;P ) and it’s not a good state of mind to be in. I don’t know if you have anyone that you can talk to about what’s bothering you. If you do, try letting someone who cares about you know so that they can keep an eye on you and help you with your eating habits. If not, do try and exert the willpower to stop it yourself… it’s difficult but possible. Whatever is going on in your life, making yourself sick or starving yourself is not going to make it better, no matter how cleansing and centering it may feel at the time. I probably don’t need to tell you how unhealthy it is for you, so I’ll just say - been there, done that. It bites, but you can deal with it. You’re bright and probably tougher than you think.

Now, as for those lovely wonderful friends you have… f***** ‘em. I know it’s difficult to break out of a social dynamic, no matter how terrible it’s making you feel, but you deserve to be treated better than they are treating you. If they were actually your friends, they would be helping you in your time and stress instead of treating you like an outcast. There is no use trying to make up to people who don’t want or appreciate you. So deny them the pleasure of your company. If there are going to be new people to meet in sixth form, then why do you need them anyway? You can find better friends than that. And if there aren’t… perhaps try exploring some unexplored options in terms of people to talk to. You can find gems among even the most unlikely set of individuals.

What you need to do is concentrate on taking care of YOURSELF. You worry about all of the things that could go wrong, but there is quite honestly not much you’re going to be able to do to control the situation. What you can do, is try to make yourself happy, and stability will follow. Take the time to get help with your eating disorders, shed those useless b*tches you’re hanging out with, and remember that you’re smart and worthwhile. Try not to worry so much about what other people are doing to you. Confidence can make all of the difference, and you of all people should have confidence - you actually know how to spell. ;)
Good luck, chin up, you’ll be fine.

Number one: despite the fact that there are a lot of people who take it as sacred duty to protect teachers, consider them sacrosanct from any form of bias or discrimination, it is not true. It is entirely possible (and sadly, believable) that your teachers may have given up on you when you began to be considered a problem child. You're clearly intelligent enough to use the English language properly, and told your story quite eloquently, which does indicate (to me at least) that you are more intelligent than your grades and your teachers' attitudes towards you suggests.
When you say that your behavior started to reflect your unhappiness, do you mean that you acted out? Did you perhaps get into fights, or become antisocial in such a way that the staff interpreted your actions incorrectly and assumed you were just being troublesome? At least with sixth form you have an opportunity for a new start in that regard. New teachers (I assume) and a new environment can be amazing for setting a fresh example of yourself. Even if the teachers and your classmates are going to be the same, you can take time to try to relax and refresh so that you aren't approaching school with the same attitude you had before. Consider it a fresh page as far as your repeated run-ins with detention are concerned. Even if you don't care for the social atmosphere, do try to remember that your education in and of itself is important. High school (as interminable as it may seem) does not last forever. Neither will sixth form. And getting good grades and working to your potential can quite honestly be an opportunity to get out of your town, and go somewhere to get a fresh start; either with your continuing education or with a job. Try to keep that in mind when your schoolwork starts to slip because of the unpleasant people in your social scene. They will quite soon be in your past.

Now, as for your eating habits... it's unfortunately very common for people to try to feel in control of their out of control lives through either bulimia or anorexia, both of which you have possibly shown symptoms of. I was there, honey. I was bulimic for about four years myself (also around High School, surprisingly enough ;P ) and it's not a good state of mind to be in. I don't know if you have anyone that you can talk to about what's bothering you. If you do, try letting someone who cares about you know so that they can keep an eye on you and help you with your eating habits. If not, do try and exert the willpower to stop it yourself... it's difficult but possible. Whatever is going on in your life, making yourself sick or starving yourself is not going to make it better, no matter how cleansing and centering it may feel at the time. I probably don't need to tell you how unhealthy it is for you, so I'll just say - been there, done that. It bites, but you can deal with it. You're bright and probably tougher than you think.

Now, as for those lovely wonderful friends you have... f***** 'em. I know it's difficult to break out of a social dynamic, no matter how terrible it's making you feel, but you deserve to be treated better than they are treating you. If they were actually your friends, they would be helping you in your time and stress instead of treating you like an outcast. There is no use trying to make up to people who don't want or appreciate you. So deny them the pleasure of your company.  If there are going to be new people to meet in sixth form, then why do you need them anyway? You can find better friends than that. And if there aren't... perhaps try exploring some unexplored options in terms of people to talk to. You can find gems among even the most unlikely set of individuals.

What you need to do is concentrate on taking care of YOURSELF. You worry about all of the things that could go wrong, but there is quite honestly not much you're going to be able to do to control the situation. What you can do, is try to make yourself happy, and stability will follow. Take the time to get help with your eating disorders, shed those useless b*tches you're hanging out with, and remember that you're smart and worthwhile. Try not to worry so much about what other people are doing to you. Confidence can make all of the difference, and you of all people should have confidence - you actually know how to spell.  ;)
Good luck, chin up, you'll be fine.

Cebola 27 #
US | 3 months ago (1 hour, 37 minutes after post)

You know what, I really admire the clarity with which you see your condition in. It’s very important for you to know where you stand in light of your surroundings and community, because you are the only one who can always be at your own side all the time. You know the truth no matter what anyone else says.

But one thing that I wanted to say is this: clearly you do not comform to certain patterns that other people around you may seem to take to easily. And that is a strong trait. You are an independent thinker. However, here’s the thing, if you really commit to just being yourself you have to get past the idea of being anyone else’s “rival”. Just because you are not with them doesn’t mean you are against them. You said that you resented being cast out from that group yet you also said that they were not true friends. If the group you were talking about considers you an outcast it doesn’t mean you are one, and it doesn’t mean you have to see yourself that way.

In other words, you don’t have to compare yourself to anyone, and most importantly you don’t have to, and must not punish yourself for anything. You can use all the energies you have used before on all these things on your own studies and hobbies instead. You choose your own direction, and you can prove everyone around you wrong simply by minding your own business and being a good person. Keep your focus on your own endeavors, and be polite in general. It’s refreshing when you see someone who is just being themselves, it inspires other people to do the same too.

Lastly, no two places are the same. You’re done with high school now, you can relax now. Just forget about it, you’re new experiences won’t be the same. You’ll get a chance to start anew :)

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justlisaja 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 months ago (8 hours, 28 minutes after post)

hey!
first i want to say that everyone in that group of friends and on your school is just as insecure and scared for outcasting as we all are, its our natural instinct. It just sucks it happened to you.
I had the exact same thing, and tried to do everything i could to turn it around, but it only made me look desperate and fake. After that i moved to a different country for high school, but the same thing happened there. Then i started college and tried to be as fun and nice as i could be, but the same thing happened there. So what i know, and it sound really depressing is that when you are scared of something or really trying to fight something like being outcasted, it may happen even sooner. Because that is what your mind is thinking over and over again, and unconsiously, people sense that. they really do.
Now, i’m going to start a new school and now i’m not going to try or act or do anything to prevent anything. I’m just going to pretend it is my first day to my first school ever. It sounds so stupid, but being yourself is really the best you can be. It took me tree school to figure that out, and i know it is hard to take it from a stranger, but trust me, just be nice to everyone (really everyone) don’t try to fit in anywhere, just trust your natural people skills.
I wish you all the best in the world,
and i truly hope life will be kinder to you this time!
XOXO

Anonymous #
2 months, 3 weeks ago (5 days, 9 hours after post)

@thingsishouldnthav

Thank you so much for putting everything into perspective like that, honestly that’s the best answer I could have hoped for.

“Number one: despite the fact that there are a lot of people who take it as sacred duty to protect teachers, consider them sacrosanct from any form of bias or discrimination, it is not true. It is entirely possible (and sadly, believable) that your teachers may have given up on you when you began to be considered a problem child.”

I love you for saying that. The second I even hint that perhaps the teachers could have been in the wrong, or partly to blame, I get a lecture which tends to revolve around the idea that teachers can’t be in the wrong because they are teachers. I really did begin to sense that they actually felt hate towards me, and would pick up on every petty thing, constantly watching me and waiting for me to make a mistake. When they weren’t obsessing over ways to punish me, they were casting me aside, sticking me at a desk to endure a punishment they called “out of circulation”, which involved sitting at one small desk at the back of an empty room for the entire day. It’s a small and very old fashioned school situated in a bit of a backwards little village in the middle of the countryside, and I did happen to be in a year group full of very ‘good’ students, students who were happy to mindlessly obey every rule, even the pointless or ridiculous ones. Teachers became fixated with me because I questioned things, wanted to know reasons why. I should have just done as they told me but their reaction to me was not justified at all.

When I was “out of circulation” I just had too much time on my hands, so I would make food plans, calculate calories, run on the spot to burn fat. Throwing up my food made me feel like I was ridding all the bad from inside me, and although I don’t do it anymore, I still often feel tempted to.

As for friends, I’m hoping to be able to just leave them behind and make new ones. I already met a girl on the sixth form induction day who I’ve met up with since. She’s smart and we have a whole lot more in common than the ignorant, nasty girls I used to hang out with. I’ve met some boys too, so I’ll just have to see how it all goes when I get there. The problem is, the group I used to be friends with all live near me, and they all go out around the village together. Now I’m not part of the loop, I can’t help but feel left out, even though I never truly enjoyed their company.

Thank you for your answer though, it’s made me feel a whole lot better and I’m working on building my confidence up and trying to look forward to my new start in a new place with new teachers and new friends.

@thingsishouldnthav

Thank you so much for putting everything into perspective like that, honestly that's the best answer I could have hoped for.

"Number one: despite the fact that there are a lot of people who take it as sacred duty to protect teachers, consider them sacrosanct from any form of bias or discrimination, it is not true. It is entirely possible (and sadly, believable) that your teachers may have given up on you when you began to be considered a problem child."

I love you for saying that. The second I even hint that perhaps the teachers could have been in the wrong, or partly to blame, I get a lecture which tends to revolve around the idea that teachers can't be in the wrong because they are teachers. I really did begin to sense that they actually felt hate towards me, and would pick up on every petty thing, constantly watching me and waiting for me to make a mistake. When they weren't obsessing over ways to punish me, they were casting me aside, sticking me at a desk to endure a punishment they called "out of circulation", which involved sitting at one small desk at the back of an empty room for the entire day. It's a small and very old fashioned school situated in a bit of a backwards little village in the middle of the countryside, and I did happen to be in a year group full of very 'good' students, students who were happy to mindlessly obey every rule, even the pointless or ridiculous ones. Teachers became fixated with me because I questioned things, wanted to know reasons why. I should have just done as they told me but their reaction to me was not justified at all.

When I was "out of circulation" I just had too much time on my hands, so I would make food plans, calculate calories, run on the spot to burn fat. Throwing up my food made me feel like I was ridding all the bad from inside me, and although I don't do it anymore, I still often feel tempted to.

As for friends, I'm hoping to be able to just leave them behind and make new ones. I already met a girl on the sixth form induction day who I've met up with since. She's smart and we have a whole lot more in common than the ignorant, nasty girls I used to hang out with. I've met some boys too, so I'll just have to see how it all goes when I get there. The problem is, the group I used to be friends with all live near me, and they all go out around the village together. Now I'm not part of the loop, I can't help but feel left out, even though I never truly enjoyed their company.

Thank you for your answer though, it's made me feel a whole lot better and I'm working on building my confidence up and trying to look forward to my new start in a new place with new teachers and new friends.

Anonymous #
2 months, 3 weeks ago (5 days, 9 hours after post)

Cebola wrote:
You know what, I really admire the clarity with which you see your condition in. It’s very important for you to know where you stand in light of your surroundings and community, because you are the only one who can always be at your own side all the time. You know the truth no matter what anyone else says.

But one thing that I wanted to say is this: clearly you do not comform to certain patterns that other people around you may seem to take to easily. And that is a strong trait. You are an independent thinker. However, here’s the thing, if you really commit to just being yourself you have to get past the idea of being anyone else’s “rival”. Just because you are not with them doesn’t mean you are against them. You said that you resented being cast out from that group yet you also said that they were not true friends. If the group you were talking about considers you an outcast it doesn’t mean you are one, and it doesn’t mean you have to see yourself that way.

In other words, you don’t have to compare yourself to anyone, and most importantly you don’t have to, and must not punish yourself for anything. You can use all the energies you have used before on all these things on your own studies and hobbies instead. You choose your own direction, and you can prove everyone around you wrong simply by minding your own business and being a good person. Keep your focus on your own endeavors, and be polite in general. It’s refreshing when you see someone who is just being themselves, it inspires other people to do the same too.

Lastly, no two places are the same. You’re done with high school now, you can relax now. Just forget about it, you’re new experiences won’t be the same. You’ll get a chance to start anew :)

I completely agree, and I just hope I can keep all these things in mind when I start sixth form. I don’t conform to certain patterns, even if I want to, I find it hard to stick with timetables, routines, seemingly pointless rules. I just want to be able to fit in and be normal, but when I try to, it feels uncomfortable, like I’m pushing myself through the wrong shape door. Also, I’m generally quite a pessimistic person, so sometimes I just need to be told “just look forward to it, it will be okay” so thank you.

[quote Cebola]You know what, I really admire the clarity with which you see your condition in. It's very important for you to know where you stand in light of your surroundings and community, because you are the only one who can always be at your own side all the time. You know the truth no matter what anyone else says.

But one thing that I wanted to say is this: clearly you do not comform to certain patterns that other people around you may seem to take to easily. And that is a strong trait. You are an independent thinker. However, here's the thing, if you really commit to just being yourself you have to get past the idea of being anyone else's "rival".  Just because you are not with them doesn't mean you are against them. You said that you resented being cast out from that group yet you also said that they were not true friends. If the group you were talking about considers you an outcast it doesn't mean you are one, and it doesn't mean you have to see yourself that way.

In other words, you don't have to compare yourself to anyone, and most importantly you don't have to, and must not punish yourself for anything. You can use all the energies you have used before on all these things on your own studies and hobbies instead. You choose your own direction, and you can prove everyone around you wrong simply by minding your own business and being a good person. Keep your focus on your own endeavors, and be polite in general. It's refreshing when you see someone who is just being themselves, it inspires other people to do the same too.

Lastly, no two places are the same. You're done with high school now, you can relax now. Just forget about it, you're new experiences won't be the same. You'll get a chance to start anew :)[/quote]

I completely agree, and I just hope I can keep all these things in mind when I start sixth form. I don't conform to certain patterns, even if I want to, I find it hard to stick with timetables, routines, seemingly pointless rules. I just want to be able to fit in and be normal, but when I try to, it feels uncomfortable, like I'm pushing myself through the wrong shape door. Also, I'm generally quite a pessimistic person, so sometimes I just need to be told "just look forward to it, it will be okay" so thank you.

Anonymous #
2 months, 3 weeks ago (5 days, 9 hours after post)

justlisaja wrote:
hey!
first i want to say that everyone in that group of friends and on your school is just as insecure and scared for outcasting as we all are, its our natural instinct. It just sucks it happened to you.
I had the exact same thing, and tried to do everything i could to turn it around, but it only made me look desperate and fake. After that i moved to a different country for high school, but the same thing happened there. Then i started college and tried to be as fun and nice as i could be, but the same thing happened there. So what i know, and it sound really depressing is that when you are scared of something or really trying to fight something like being outcasted, it may happen even sooner. Because that is what your mind is thinking over and over again, and unconsiously, people sense that. they really do.
Now, i’m going to start a new school and now i’m not going to try or act or do anything to prevent anything. I’m just going to pretend it is my first day to my first school ever. It sounds so stupid, but being yourself is really the best you can be. It took me tree school to figure that out, and i know it is hard to take it from a stranger, but trust me, just be nice to everyone (really everyone) don’t try to fit in anywhere, just trust your natural people skills.
I wish you all the best in the world,
and i truly hope life will be kinder to you this time!
XOXO

Yes, I have gone down that road too, trying so hard to be something to please everyone. The problem is that despite knowing that “being myself” is the best way to be, I don’t really know who “myself” is. I’m really hoping to find that out at sixth form. I’m sorry it happened to you too, it really is exhausting trying so hard to be something and I’m glad you learned to stop. Thank you for your reply

thingsishouldnthav 0 #
An Unknown Location | 2 months, 3 weeks ago (5 days, 14 hours after post)

Glad to be of service. =)
A lot of my advice comes from the fact that I, or people I’ve loved, have been in similar situations. So I know that it bites, but I also know that you can get through it.. and you seem to have made a good start with your new friend.

Best of luck, get out of that town after school and go somewhere that deserves to have you.

justlisaja 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 1 week ago (1 month, 2 weeks after post)

Hey you,
just wanting to know how you are doing now. Have some things turned around?

Anonymous wrote:
[quote justlisaja]hey!
Yes, I have gone down that road too, trying so hard to be something to please everyone. The problem is that despite knowing that “being myself” is the best way to be, I don’t really know who “myself” is. I’m really hoping to find that out at sixth form. I’m sorry it happened to you too, it really is exhausting trying so hard to be something and I’m glad you learned to stop. Thank you for your reply

I completely understand it’s hard to be yourself when you don’t really know who that is. And thats fine too, it takes people ages to find out who they are, and we keep changing constantly too! But the best way i think is to just reqognize by yourself when you are a little lost about yourself or other things, and just be okay with that. Because fussing about it will just make you frustrated, and eventualy insecure. I remember i felt really good when i could talk to someone else, and always found that they had a lot of similar feeling.
Hope this helps!
xxxx

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