Love help: Possible Schizophrenia? - Help.com

As my summer vacation comes to a close, many things are becoming unclear… Let me start from the top:

I began preschool as normal as any of the other children, not much to it other than that. But when I began 1st grade, things began to change. I started just a little “shy” but this quickly became a very antisocial attitude and eventually a slight hate. I didn’t take part in activities, attempt to make friends, or any of the general things. I had often been quite abnormal now that I think of it, thinking strange things and doing strange things. That continued. I was picked on, spat on, given little respect even by some of the teachers. I had felt segregated from being introduced into probably a 65%-75% Hispanic population at my school with few other Caucasians to associate with. This molded into a slight racism but I have long since grown into a heightened sense of logic.
This was until I began 5th grade, and was given another chance. Although I was of course a little slow (leaving elementary school with few friends)to understanding how the whole social structure worked. I didn’t get into much trouble, but that slight hate I had spoken of earlier worsened a bit into a kind of misanthrope viewing, but with logic. I had taken interest into explosives and weapons of all sorts, this pretty much continued.
Middle school I was completely in the shadows if you will, focusing on only doing what I was told and getting home. Normally I would have spent 7th and 8th that way, but in 8th grade I decided to try out an alternative school, no primary reason. I didn’t like it too much but stress levels were very low and I actually made some very good friends.
After 8th grade at the alternative school, when I began summer, I could tell it was going to be slow and painful. It was otherwise for the most part but extremely boring.
About half way through the summer, a number of things had happened. My logic, turned into philosophy. my philosophy to extreme confusion to depression to illogical blurs of thoughts. While this was happening, I gained a keen interest in the mind. I looked into mental illnesses, schizophrenia catching my eye. Now before I go any further, previous years were extremely stressful, probably self inflicted from excessive unnecessary thought. Even to a point of a manic-need to become insane. This would phase in and out.
Back to schizophrenia, as I continued to research it on the web, I underwent a kind of slow motion, oh **** moment over a long term period. I had always been a hypochondriac, but I realized how many signs and symptoms of schizophrenia I had shown through my life. I realized how I could easily get rid of this, but how much it was in my grasp.
I still do not understand whether my manic-need to obtain schizophrenia is a direct cause or simply a cause of my irrational thinking. Either way, the biggest part of it is the confusion, the extreme confusion over every little thing. To a debilitating extent. I have been relapsing sense, becoming paranoid, undergoing mainly auditory but visual hallucinations as well, very low motivation levels, low interest, etc. I noticed how classical and simply music in general helped calm and sooth me, but that has gone. And although a key part of schizophrenia is oblivion and I obviously lack that, I know for a fact it is imminent.
I believe the reason no one has noticed any of this is because I have always bottled my emotions and actions. I act normal, calm as can be around any other person besides my self, but when alone I become very emotional and my symptoms begin to show. I am beginning to slightly show some symptoms to friends and family on occasion and though they seem slightly abnormal, they cause generally no concern.
Now, my paranoia ensures this, I think to myself that others can not know of what is happening to me or they will retaliate in some harmful way (of course, much more in depth but I am not going to waste your time). I am fairly calm right now, and it is early which is probably why I am allowing myself to write this. To elaborate, my symptoms show the most as it gets later, but these are beginning to show earlier, as each day goes by.
Now looking a bit into the future, I know for a fact during high school and probably around half way through I will indefinitely require psychiatry for this. I can already tell that relapse rates will be through the roof.
This is the hard part to write: I met a girl at the alternative school, she is difficult to explain but she has undergone unimaginable emotional and mental issues during her life. She is possibly my best friend and I have known her the least out of all my friends. I feel I do not need to explain why. She is simply a good person, which is rare especially after all she has gone through, and she is quite pretty. She is not even close to “preppy” or anything of the sort. She is her own category but she is not at all antisocial. She is not in the market for any sort of relationship either.
To get to the point, I am so unimaginably in love with this girl. I would do anything for her. I could go on for hours about how I feel for her, but I can not tell anyone… Especially where I am at with my life I feel she is all that I live for, and how I feel about her is rotting inside me. She is the only thing that can keep me from going insane. The unsure part is I do not know if this emotional outbreak is due to the schizophrenia, or if it is true.
I am optimistic about one thing. If I do go insane, I can point out that the Alternative school is a very low stress environment and is where most of my good friends reside. They will most likely go for this and I will have a chance to tell her how I feel. So in a sense I am depending on going insane, or it may become permanent and depression will sky rocket.



Now that you have been forwarded and viewing that painstakingly long summary of my life with some very personal text (yes you should feel lucky, even I do for having the will to post this) you are still probably wondering the purpose of me posting. I do not necessarily require a diagnosis. I have not spoken to anyone about this and want some simple feedback, suggestions, advisement/advice, etc. I would also appreciate some elaboration or explanation rather than short blunt answers. This is sort of for experimental purposes, advice will be taken into consideration and will be reviewed but I will not go upon it easily, especially due to the schizophrenia.

One thing I would like to note is how under exaggerated this post is. It was, is and will be a lot worse then it is shown.

Thank you for reading.

As my summer vacation comes to a close, many things are becoming unclear… Let me start from the top:

I began preschool as normal as any of the other children, not much to it other than that. But when I began 1st grade, things began to change. I started just a little “shy” but this quickly became a very antisocial attitude and eventually a slight hate. I didn’t take part in activities, attempt to make friends, or any of the general things. I had often been quite abnormal now that I think of it, thinking strange things and doing strange things. That continued. I was picked on, spat on, given little respect even by some of the teachers. I had felt segregated from being introduced into probably a 65%-75% Hispanic population at my school with few other Caucasians to associate with. This molded into a slight racism but I have long since grown into a heightened sense of logic.
This was until I began 5th grade, and was given another chance. Although I was of course a little slow (leaving elementary school with few friends)to understanding how the whole social structure worked. I didn’t get into much trouble, but that slight hate I had spoken of earlier worsened a bit into a kind of misanthrope viewing, but with logic. I had taken interest into explosives and weapons of all sorts, this pretty much continued.
Middle school I was completely in the shadows if you will, focusing on only doing what I was told and getting home. Normally I would have spent 7th and 8th that way, but in 8th grade I decided to try out an alternative school, no primary reason. I didn’t like it too much but stress levels were very low and I actually made some very good friends.
After 8th grade at the alternative school, when I began summer, I could tell it was going to be slow and painful. It was otherwise for the most part but extremely boring.
About half way through the summer, a number of things had happened. My logic, turned into philosophy. my philosophy to extreme confusion to depression to illogical blurs of thoughts. While this was happening, I gained a keen interest in the mind. I looked into mental illnesses, schizophrenia catching my eye. Now before I go any further, previous years were extremely stressful, probably self inflicted from excessive unnecessary thought. Even to a point of a manic-need to become insane. This would phase in and out.
Back to schizophrenia, as I continued to research it on the web, I underwent a kind of slow motion, oh **** moment over a long term period. I had always been a hypochondriac, but I realized how many signs and symptoms of schizophrenia I had shown through my life. I realized how I could easily get rid of this, but how much it was in my grasp.
I still do not understand whether my manic-need to obtain schizophrenia is a direct cause or simply a cause of my irrational thinking. Either way, the biggest part of it is the confusion, the extreme confusion over every little thing. To a debilitating extent. I have been relapsing sense, becoming paranoid, undergoing mainly auditory but visual hallucinations as well, very low motivation levels, low interest, etc. I noticed how classical and simply music in general helped calm and sooth me, but that has gone. And although a key part of schizophrenia is oblivion and I obviously lack that, I know for a fact it is imminent.
I believe the reason no one has noticed any of this is because I have always bottled my emotions and actions. I act normal, calm as can be around any other person besides my self, but when alone I become very emotional and my symptoms begin to show. I am beginning to slightly show some symptoms to friends and family on occasion and though they seem slightly abnormal, they cause generally no concern.
Now, my paranoia ensures this, I think to myself that others can not know of what is happening to me or they will retaliate in some harmful way (of course, much more in depth but I am not going to waste your time). I am fairly calm right now, and it is early which is probably why I am allowing myself to write this. To elaborate, my symptoms show the most as it gets later, but these are beginning to show earlier, as each day goes by.
Now looking a bit into the future, I know for a fact during high school and probably around half way through I will indefinitely require psychiatry for this. I can already tell that relapse rates will be through the roof.
This is the hard part to write: I met a girl at the alternative school, she is difficult to explain but she has undergone unimaginable emotional and mental issues during her life. She is possibly my best friend and I have known her the least out of all my friends. I feel I do not need to explain why. She is simply a good person, which is rare especially after all she has gone through, and she is quite pretty. She is not even close to “preppy” or anything of the sort. She is her own category but she is not at all antisocial. She is not in the market for any sort of relationship either.
To get to the point, I am so unimaginably in love with this girl. I would do anything for her. I could go on for hours about how I feel for her, but I can not tell anyone… Especially where I am at with my life I feel she is all that I live for, and how I feel about her is rotting inside me. She is the only thing that can keep me from going insane. The unsure part is I do not know if this emotional outbreak is due to the schizophrenia, or if it is true.
I am optimistic about one thing. If I do go insane, I can point out that the Alternative school is a very low stress environment and is where most of my good friends reside. They will most likely go for this and I will have a chance to tell her how I feel. So in a sense I am depending on going insane, or it may become permanent and depression will sky rocket.



Now that you have been forwarded and viewing that painstakingly long summary of my life with some very personal text (yes you should feel lucky, even I do for having the will to post this) you are still probably wondering the purpose of me posting. I do not necessarily require a diagnosis. I have not spoken to anyone about this and want some simple feedback, suggestions, advisement/advice, etc. I would also appreciate some elaboration or explanation rather than short blunt answers. This is sort of for experimental purposes, advice will be taken into consideration and will be reviewed but I will not go upon it easily, especially due to the schizophrenia.

One thing I would like to note is how under exaggerated this post is. It was, is and will be a lot worse then it is shown. I am not suicidal.

Thank you for reading.

Possible Schizophrenia?

As my summer vacation comes to a close, many things are becoming unclear… Let me start from the top:

I began preschool as normal as any of the other children, not much to it other than that. But when I began 1st grade, things began to change. I started just a little “shy” but this quickly became a very antisocial attitude and eventually a slight hate. I didn’t take part in activities, attempt to make friends, or any of the general things. I had often been quite abnormal now that I think of it, thinking strange things and doing strange things. That continued. I was picked on, spat on, given little respect even by some of the teachers. I had felt segregated from being introduced into probably a 65%-75% Hispanic population at my school with few other Caucasians to associate with. This molded into a slight racism but I have long since grown into a heightened sense of logic.
This was until I began 5th grade, and was given another chance. Although I was of course a little slow (leaving elementary school with few friends)to understanding how the whole social structure worked. I didn’t get into much trouble, but that slight hate I had spoken of earlier worsened a bit into a kind of misanthrope viewing, but with logic. I had taken interest into explosives and weapons of all sorts, this pretty much continued.
Middle school I was completely in the shadows if you will, focusing on only doing what I was told and getting home. Normally I would have spent 7th and 8th that way, but in 8th grade I decided to try out an alternative school, no primary reason. I didn’t like it too much but stress levels were very low and I actually made some very good friends.
After 8th grade at the alternative school, when I began summer, I could tell it was going to be slow and painful. It was otherwise for the most part but extremely boring.
About half way through the summer, a number of things had happened. My logic, turned into philosophy. my philosophy to extreme confusion to depression to illogical blurs of thoughts. While this was happening, I gained a keen interest in the mind. I looked into mental illnesses, schizophrenia catching my eye. Now before I go any further, previous years were extremely stressful, probably self inflicted from excessive unnecessary thought. Even to a point of a manic-need to become insane. This would phase in and out.
Back to schizophrenia, as I continued to research it on the web, I underwent a kind of slow motion, oh **** moment over a long term period. I had always been a hypochondriac, but I realized how many signs and symptoms of schizophrenia I had shown through my life. I realized how I could easily get rid of this, but how much it was in my grasp.
I still do not understand whether my manic-need to obtain schizophrenia is a direct cause or simply a cause of my irrational thinking. Either way, the biggest part of it is the confusion, the extreme confusion over every little thing. To a debilitating extent. I have been relapsing sense, becoming paranoid, undergoing mainly auditory but visual hallucinations as well, very low motivation levels, low interest, etc. I noticed how classical and simply music in general helped calm and sooth me, but that has gone. And although a key part of schizophrenia is oblivion and I obviously lack that, I know for a fact it is imminent.
I believe the reason no one has noticed any of this is because I have always bottled my emotions and actions. I act normal, calm as can be around any other person besides my self, but when alone I become very emotional and my symptoms begin to show. I am beginning to slightly show some symptoms to friends and family on occasion and though they seem slightly abnormal, they cause generally no concern.
Now, my paranoia ensures this, I think to myself that others can not know of what is happening to me or they will retaliate in some harmful way (of course, much more in depth but I am not going to waste your time). I am fairly calm right now, and it is early which is probably why I am allowing myself to write this. To elaborate, my symptoms show the most as it gets later, but these are beginning to show earlier, as each day goes by.
Now looking a bit into the future, I know for a fact during high school and probably around half way through I will indefinitely require psychiatry for this. I can already tell that relapse rates will be through the roof.
This is the hard part to write: I met a girl at the alternative school, she is difficult to explain but she has undergone unimaginable emotional and mental issues during her life. She is possibly my best friend and I have known her the least out of all my friends. I feel I do not need to explain why. She is simply a good person, which is rare especially after all she has gone through, and she is quite pretty. She is not even close to “preppy” or anything of the sort. She is her own category but she is not at all antisocial. She is not in the market for any sort of relationship either.
To get to the point, I am so unimaginably in love with this girl. I would do anything for her. I could go on for hours about how I feel for her, but I can not tell anyone… Especially where I am at with my life I feel she is all that I live for, and how I feel about her is rotting inside me. She is the only thing that can keep me from going insane. The unsure part is I do not know if this emotional outbreak is due to the schizophrenia, or if it is true.
I am optimistic about one thing. If I do go insane, I can point out that the Alternative school is a very low stress environment and is where most of my good friends reside. They will most likely go for this and I will have a chance to tell her how I feel. So in a sense I am depending on going insane, or it may become permanent and depression will sky rocket.



Now that you have been forwarded and viewing that painstakingly long summary of my life with some very personal text (yes you should feel lucky, even I do for having the will to post this) you are still probably wondering the purpose of me posting. I do not necessarily require a diagnosis. I have not spoken to anyone about this and want some simple feedback, suggestions, advisement/advice, etc. I would also appreciate some elaboration or explanation rather than short blunt answers. This is sort of for experimental purposes, advice will be taken into consideration and will be reviewed but I will not go upon it easily, especially due to the schizophrenia.

One thing I would like to note is how under exaggerated this post is. It was, is and will be a lot worse then it is shown. I am not suicidal.

Thank you for reading.

Possible Schizophrenia?

As my summer vacation comes to a close, many things are becoming unclear… Let me start from the top:

I began preschool as normal as any of the other children, not much to it other than that. But when I began 1st grade, things began to change. I started just a little “shy” but this quickly became a very antisocial attitude and eventually a slight hate. I didn’t take part in activities, attempt to make friends, or any of the general things. I had often been quite abnormal now that I think of it, thinking strange things and doing strange things. That continued. I was picked on, spat on, given little respect even by some of the teachers. I had felt segregated from being introduced into probably a 65%-75% Hispanic population at my school with few other Caucasians to associate with. This molded into a slight racism but I have long since grown into a heightened sense of logic.
This was until I began 5th grade, and was given another chance. Although I was of course a little slow (leaving elementary school with few friends)to understanding how the whole social structure worked. I didn’t get into much trouble, but that slight hate I had spoken of earlier worsened a bit into a kind of misanthrope viewing, but with logic. I had taken interest into explosives and weapons of all sorts, this pretty much continued.
Middle school I was completely in the shadows if you will, focusing on only doing what I was told and getting home. Normally I would have spent 7th and 8th that way, but in 8th grade I decided to try out an alternative school, no primary reason. I didn’t like it too much but stress levels were very low and I actually made some very good friends.
After 8th grade at the alternative school, when I began summer, I could tell it was going to be slow and painful. It was otherwise for the most part but extremely boring.
About half way through the summer, a number of things had happened. My logic, turned into philosophy. my philosophy to extreme confusion to depression to illogical blurs of thoughts. While this was happening, I gained a keen interest in the mind. I looked into mental illnesses, schizophrenia catching my eye. Now before I go any further, previous years were extremely stressful, probably self inflicted from excessive unnecessary thought. Even to a point of a manic-need to become insane. This would phase in and out.
Back to schizophrenia, as I continued to research it on the web, I underwent a kind of slow motion, oh **** moment over a long term period. I had always been a hypochondriac, but I realized how many signs and symptoms of schizophrenia I had shown through my life. I realized how I could easily get rid of this, but how much it was in my grasp.
I still do not understand whether my manic-need to obtain schizophrenia is a direct cause or simply a cause of my irrational thinking. Either way, the biggest part of it is the confusion, the extreme confusion over every little thing. To a debilitating extent. I have been relapsing sense, becoming paranoid, undergoing mainly auditory but visual hallucinations as well, very low motivation levels, low interest, etc. I noticed how classical and simply music in general helped calm and sooth me, but that has gone. And although a key part of schizophrenia is oblivion and I obviously lack that, I know for a fact it is imminent.
I believe the reason no one has noticed any of this is because I have always bottled my emotions and actions. I act normal, calm as can be around any other person besides my self, but when alone I become very emotional and my symptoms begin to show. I am beginning to slightly show some symptoms to friends and family on occasion and though they seem slightly abnormal, they cause generally no concern.
Now, my paranoia ensures this, I think to myself that others can not know of what is happening to me or they will retaliate in some harmful way (of course, much more in depth but I am not going to waste your time). I am fairly calm right now, and it is early which is probably why I am allowing myself to write this. To elaborate, my symptoms show the most as it gets later, but these are beginning to show earlier, as each day goes by.
Now looking a bit into the future, I know for a fact during high school and probably around half way through I will indefinitely require psychiatry for this. I can already tell that relapse rates will be through the roof.
This is the hard part to write: I met a girl at the alternative school, she is difficult to explain but she has undergone unimaginable emotional and mental issues during her life. She is possibly my best friend and I have known her the least out of all my friends. I feel I do not need to explain why. She is simply a good person, which is rare especially after all she has gone through, and she is quite pretty. She is not even close to “preppy” or anything of the sort. She is her own category but she is not at all antisocial. She is not in the market for any sort of relationship either.
To get to the point, I am so unimaginably in love with this girl. I would do anything for her. I could go on for hours about how I feel for her, but I can not tell anyone… Especially where I am at with my life I feel she is all that I live for, and how I feel about her is rotting inside me. She is the only thing that can keep me from going insane. The unsure part is I do not know if this emotional outbreak is due to the schizophrenia, or if it is true.
I am optimistic about one thing. If I do go insane, I can point out that the Alternative school is a very low stress environment and is where most of my good friends reside. They will most likely go for this and I will have a chance to tell her how I feel. So in a sense I am depending on going insane, or it may become permanent and depression will sky rocket.



Now that you have been forwarded and viewing that painstakingly long summary of my life with some very personal text (yes you should feel lucky, even I do for having the will to post this) you are still probably wondering the purpose of me posting. I do not necessarily require a diagnosis. I have not spoken to anyone about this and want some simple feedback, suggestions, advisement/advice, etc. I would also appreciate some elaboration or explanation rather than short blunt answers. This is sort of for experimental purposes, advice will be taken into consideration and will be reviewed but I will not go upon it easily, especially due to the schizophrenia.

One thing I would like to note is how under exaggerated this post is. It was, is and will be a lot worse then it is shown. I am not suicidal. I may need to provide a little more emphasis on the depression.

Thank you for reading.

Possible Schizophrenia?

As my summer vacation comes to a close, many things are becoming unclear… Let me start from the top:

I began preschool as normal as any of the other children, not much to it other than that. But when I began 1st grade, things began to change. I started just a little “shy” but this quickly became a very antisocial attitude and eventually a slight hate. I didn’t take part in activities, attempt to make friends, or any of the general things. I had often been quite abnormal now that I think of it, thinking strange things and doing strange things. That continued. I was picked on, spat on, given little respect even by some of the teachers. I had felt segregated from being introduced into probably a 65%-75% Hispanic population at my school with few other Caucasians to associate with. This molded into a slight racism but I have long since grown into a heightened sense of logic.
This was until I began 5th grade, and was given another chance. Although I was of course a little slow (leaving elementary school with few friends)to understanding how the whole social structure worked. I didn’t get into much trouble, but that slight hate I had spoken of earlier worsened a bit into a kind of misanthrope viewing, but with logic. I had taken interest into explosives and weapons of all sorts, this pretty much continued.
Middle school I was completely in the shadows if you will, focusing on only doing what I was told and getting home. Normally I would have spent 7th and 8th that way, but in 8th grade I decided to try out an alternative school, no primary reason. I didn’t like it too much but stress levels were very low and I actually made some very good friends.
After 8th grade at the alternative school, when I began summer, I could tell it was going to be slow and painful. It was otherwise for the most part but extremely boring.
About half way through the summer, a number of things had happened. My logic, turned into philosophy. my philosophy to extreme confusion to depression to illogical blurs of thoughts. While this was happening, I gained a keen interest in the mind. I looked into mental illnesses, schizophrenia catching my eye. Now before I go any further, previous years were extremely stressful, probably self inflicted from excessive unnecessary thought. Even to a point of a manic-need to become insane. This would phase in and out.
Back to schizophrenia, as I continued to research it on the web, I underwent a kind of slow motion, oh **** moment over a long term period. I had always been a hypochondriac, but I realized how many signs and symptoms of schizophrenia I had shown through my life. I realized how I could easily get rid of this, but how much it was in my grasp.
I still do not understand whether my manic-need to obtain schizophrenia is a direct cause or simply a cause of my irrational thinking. Either way, the biggest part of it is the confusion, the extreme confusion over every little thing. To a debilitating extent. I have been relapsing sense, becoming paranoid, undergoing mainly auditory but visual hallucinations as well, very low motivation levels, low interest, etc. I noticed how classical and simply music in general helped calm and sooth me, but that has gone. And although a key part of schizophrenia is oblivion and I obviously lack that, I know for a fact it is imminent.
I believe the reason no one has noticed any of this is because I have always bottled my emotions and actions. I act normal, calm as can be around any other person besides my self, but when alone I become very emotional and my symptoms begin to show. I am beginning to slightly show some symptoms to friends and family on occasion and though they seem slightly abnormal, they cause generally no concern.
Now, my paranoia ensures this, I think to myself that others can not know of what is happening to me or they will retaliate in some harmful way (of course, much more in depth but I am not going to waste your time). I am fairly calm right now, and it is early which is probably why I am allowing myself to write this. To elaborate, my symptoms show the most as it gets later, but these are beginning to show earlier, as each day goes by.
Now looking a bit into the future, I know for a fact during high school and probably around half way through I will indefinitely require psychiatry for this. I can already tell that relapse rates will be through the roof.
This is the hard part to write: I met a girl at the alternative school, she is difficult to explain but she has undergone unimaginable emotional and mental issues during her life. She is possibly my best friend and I have known her the least out of all my friends. I feel I do not need to explain why. She is simply a good person, which is rare especially after all she has gone through, and she is quite pretty. She is not even close to “preppy” or anything of the sort. She is her own category but she is not at all antisocial. She is not in the market for any sort of relationship either.
To get to the point, I am so unimaginably in love with this girl. I would do anything for her. I could go on for hours about how I feel for her, but I can not tell anyone… Especially where I am at with my life I feel she is all that I live for, and how I feel about her is rotting inside me. She is the only thing that can keep me from going insane. The unsure part is I do not know if this emotional outbreak is due to the schizophrenia, or if it is true.
I am optimistic about one thing. If I do go insane, I can point out that the Alternative school is a very low stress environment and is where most of my good friends reside. They will most likely go for this and I will have a chance to tell her how I feel. So in a sense I am depending on going insane, or it may become permanent and depression will sky rocket.



Now that you have been forwarded and viewing that painstakingly long summary of my life with some very personal text (yes you should feel lucky, even I do for having the will to post this) you are still probably wondering the purpose of me posting. I do not necessarily require a diagnosis. I have not spoken to anyone about this and want some simple feedback, suggestions, advisement/advice, etc. I would also appreciate some elaboration or explanation rather than short blunt answers. This is sort of for experimental purposes, advice will be taken into consideration and will be reviewed but I will not go upon it easily, especially due to the schizophrenia.

One thing I would like to note is how under exaggerated this post is. It was, is and will be a lot worse then it is shown. I am not suicidal. I may need to provide a little more emphasis on the depression and how low my motivation is, I can’t convince myself to do anything. Another motive for schizophrenia would be as an escape from this harsh, unpleasant reality with no pay off this far.

Thank you for reading.