Love help: My boyfriend says he still loves me but doesn’t know if he wants a relationship now. - Help.com

Well if he’s in his twenties he still has a lot of independent living to do.

And so do you.

It’s a mistake to rush into living together or marriage just so you feel secure. You can see that for yourself. Security comes from inside you, not what someone gives you.

I make this same mistake myself.

Stop trying to trap this guy. Stop testing him by trying to tangle him into obligations. Accept him as he is and when he’s available fine, if not fine OR get a guy who is more compatible with you.

There is nothing wrong with saying: this is what I need from a partner, are you in or not? But you have to be willing to accept the consequences. You can’t need something then hate someone for not giving it to you if they are not ready to do it.

sounds like he has dismissive attachment.

ok, I guessed and guessed wrong.

Here’s another guess. He felt he needed security after graduation. You both probably felt that. You thought you found it in each other. And now he’s coming to understand that he can find security in himself, activities he does with others.

If you’re both in your twenties or younger, you have a lot of big changes in your lives to look forward to. This relationship might not last.

I think we all mean it when we say we love someone and want to get married. We mean it at the time. We feel it very strongly. But life is far more than just that other person. And as circumstances change we see new possibilities. Sometimes those possibilities seem to be constricted by the person we’re with and we wonder if we’d be better off on our own.

It’s one thing to welcome someone in… to want that security of having someone else. It’s something else to welcome and accept and practice the sacrifices that are necessary to do that on a daily basis.

Why not read “Men, women & relationships” and “When good men behave badly.” THey might be helpful to you. Also focus on everything you’ve learned and enjoyed in this relationship. Sometimes we forget to enjoy the here-and-now because we’re too worried about the far future.

I didn’t say give up on it. I said read the books to understand men and yourself better, treasure what you had and don’t get stuck.

“giving up on a relationship” is often the way someone will talk when what they really mean is giving up on a fantasy they had about themselves

You read that “giving up” into my answer when it’s not there at all. You need to get away from that kind of black and white thinking of stay in/give up and focus instead on needs and compatibilities and how you can achieve them, by reading some books, focusing on the good in what you have, and perhaps changing the relationship.

I think you ought to ask him if you are in his “long term” plans.
His answer may give you more insight into what his thought processes are regarding the status of your relationship.

Good luck!

That’s a problem right there… listening to what yor friend THINKS is in your boyfriend’s mind instead of ASKING him! Try not to play mind games with him by making him wait when he does contact you… Maybe go out on a limb and contact him first. Let him know that you don’t deserve the treatment he has given you.

Well, I have to agree that a girl asking another girl what a guy is thinking is dumb. I also have to agree mind games are dumb.

But chasing after a man won’t work either.

I think it’s essential to make it clear you are ready to talk, make it clear what your concerns are, and wait for him to respond to that.

Ok.. this is understandable i’ve been through this with my ex husband Keith, just wait until your boyfriend, if ya’ll are still together, contacts you. Talk it over see if things change. Don’t jump to conclusions just because he’s wanting to spend some time apart but also consider having fun yourself.. a woman doesn’t need to wait on her man hand and foot that’s just not right and if he doesn’t understand that then maybe it wasn’t meant to b. I realize that this is hard to hear but sometimes you gotta face reality and go on with your life.

honestly i think he is trying to figure out if he wants to still be with you or not. i think he is not sure and he is using the time apart to figure it out, but he doesn’t want to go on a break, to risk losing you to somone else before he decides. I hate to tell you but someone who really loves you and wants to be with you, would not want to do this. I mean you don’t need to hang out everyday, but it almsot seems like he wants to be able to dictate when you see him and when you don’t. that almost seems worrisome to me. he may be going through the stage that many men do, of whether he just loves your or he is inlove with you. Cause it is very different. I have been in the same boat too but i waited for 3 years for him to really come around and it went back and forth to he always wanted me around to only sometimes. I do think you should wait and see what happens if you really love him, but don’t compromise yourself for it and only wait so long. heartbreak is hard and the worst pain you will ever go through, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope things work out for you, but coming from someone who doesn’t have a whole lot of faith in men right now, keep your guard up.

robyn_058 wrote:
coming from someone who doesn’t have a whole lot of faith in men right now, keep your guard up.

Hey, wake up. If you don’t do your homework on a guy and be up front about what you want and walk when you don’t get it then you can’t blame men for your own poor decisions and your lack of backbone.

lol i don’t blame men linuxya for what you call poor decisions but easier said then done. I am the most upfront person you will probably ever meet, and have no problem asking for what it is that i want, but when it comes to feeling something for a guy its not always that easy to just walk away and anyone that states that it is, is so fullof ****!!!!!!!!

robyn_058 wrote:
its not always that easy to just walk away and anyone that states that it is, is so fullof ****!!!!!!!!

No one said it was easy to take responsibility for yourself. But that’s the only way you will get what you want. As long as you blame others or the world or bad luck or whatever it is, you’ll just make yourself unhappy and drive other people away with your attitude.

Can someone give me some advice please ? I havent spoken to any friends about this because i always find that asking my friends opinions about my boyfriend make everything worse, they don’t know anything. My boyfriend and I have been togetehr for almost 2 years. We don’t live togther, see each other a few times a week, no one isnagging, no one is needy..it’s a really great relationship. we are really open and honest with each other, talk about anything on our minds. We are very much in love and he talks about the future a lot. About 3 months ago and then again yesterday he told me sometimes he loves having a girlfriend and there are some times he wishe’s he didn’t. We are 24, met at 23. He said he wishes he met me 5 years from now. Last time he told me this I told him we should spend some time apart and he said no he didnt want that, then the months folliwng were great, like nothing ever happened. Now, yesterday he said it again. I said the same things, that we shoudl spend some time apart because you shouldnt be having these feelings. Hes freaked out that he found me and he knows im the girl he’s going to be with but it freaks him out that he’s so young. so it’s going from 23 to forever even if we never get married…he just knows he found me and were going to be together. I dont want to break up with him at all btu what do i do? he said he feels better just when he talks about it and the thought of losing me trumps him freaking out that our relationshi[ is so serious so young. Anyone who can tell me what todo please? do i just go forward with him and just forget he siad anything? he just is confusing me so much. He doesn’t doubt me as his girlfriend, he just thinks it’s bad timing sometimes but doesn’t want to break up. soo…help.

Honestly i had the same problem with an ex of mine. i was with him for 4 years before we ended it. after the first year of dating he kept saying to me he knew i was the one and he felt like we would break up, date other people and then get married when we were older. we were very young when all of this happened, but it just got worse the longer we were together until it got to the point where he just really needed to feel what it was like to be single again, so we broke up. I am not trying to scare you, but to be honest there really isn’t anything you can do. You are just gonna have to wait it out. its either gonna work out or its gonna become too much and it won’t. I really feel for you and i know its hard but there really isn’t anything you can do that i can see. i’m sorry i couldnt’ be more help, but if its any consultation i totally understand how you feel.

Well my first reply is to andrea. To be honest i think you need to be careful. All too many times guys use that line and compare a new relationship to an old one. you need to tell him that your not the other girl, and whatever happens between the two of you in this relationship whether it succeeds or doesn’t succeed is 100% different then what happened to him before. In addition to that, if he almost cheated on you once, when your relationship with him is young and fresh, what is he going to do if you guys get serious??? in my opinion, it has nothing to do with not wanting to be in a relationship, if he really liked you, why would he take the chance of losing you by being on this break. I think you need to re-evaluate his true intentions. I understand how hard it is, trust me i have been there, but it does get easier and better and you will find someone that will treat you the way they should.

My next reply is for reggiedhes. I am going to be really honest with you, i think you need to move on. As hard as that is to hear especially after how long you guys were together, he does not want u anymore. I believe he still cares about you, but he does nto want to be with you for the rest of his life. I believe that he is ready to move on or he may have already moved on. You are still young, get out there and live your life as hard as it will be for quite sometime. Maybe you should try to get your friends back, and speak to your family. You should never give up people in your life for a man ever, trust me, its not worth it.