depression help: New here, not really sure if I’m doing this properly. - Help.com

New here, not really sure if I’m doing this properly.

I’m not sure where to start, except that I have been just so so sad for awhile and I can’t seem to get out of it. I have had numerous thoughts of just ending it all. Just don’t want to go to hell and too guilt ridden to do it. But I cry so much I hurt so much, I just want to disapear. It seems like the only time I can keep it together is at work I come home from work,sweep mop, make dinner watch TV and can’t wait to get to bed. Just do what has to be done and go to bed. I do make sure my kids homework is done, they have lunch money and all that, but I feel I am doing the bare minimum and feel so bad about not doing more with them. I have 2 wonderful children, I know they know I haven’t been me for awhile. I don’t want them to worry about me. I am married, but not really very happily. My father just passed Aug 12 and I’m not doing with that too well either, knowing I can’t talk to him again, see him again. I miss him soo much, it hurts so bad, I know we all go through loosing our parents but not ready for that pain and lose. Like a part of you has been torn out. I know it will heal but I have so much other stuff to. I know this sounds silly but I feel that if my husband would just leave and let me figure myself out I wouldn’t feel so miserable. I seem to do ok until I hear his car pull up and I get all anxious, tense up and my mood could go from alright to ice queen. We have issues but he was a bachlor all his life and can’t seem to get past that and I have tried to talk with him on important topics and he gets defensive, starts blaming the kids for all the problems and then he would leave. Now we have only had about 5-6 real arguments in the 3 years we have been together but this is how it goes, but the last two have escalated to where he packs all his belonging and leaves. Twice in a month. I can’t do this. And now my father has passed and he made that about him too. The day before I had to go start making arragments (out of state) my husband went to help a freind look at his car (said he would be back before I returned from the store). Well needless to say it was 10:45 p.m. before he returned home drunk. Appologized, said he had a few too many and crashed on his friends couch for 4 hours. I could understand if it had anything to do with greif…..my husband had never met my father. I was upset (very) felt abandoned, was having a hard time figuring out what to pack, just generally could have used his support. As I was telling him how hurt I was, he stopped me and said…(drunk)…”this has nothing to do with this here, but you hurt my feelings too….when we were invited over to my cousins house, you said can we tell them we can’t make it, their so boring…..you know that really hurt MY feelings”. Then continued on about a few more things about me that hurt his feelings. I am not saying he does not have a right to his feelings, which he should have told me about before. But, this was definately not the time to bring it up. So, since then I have burried my father, cry at strange moments, but loosing my father has only made my saddness deeper. It was already there. Nothing has been discussed about what happened the night before I left to burry my father. I know if I bring it up it will be a big blow up and he’ll leave. I don’t mind the leaving part,,,,I just don’t want the big blow up. I’m too old to handle issues like this and I don’t want to. So I pretty much just to the basics, cook, clean, go to work, answer questions when he asks, engaged in useless conversation and nod. I can’t believe this man is so childish and that he really thinks everything is about him not to notice how unbelievalbely sad and unhappy I am. And actually gets upset with the kids because he thinks its because the didn’t do something. I haven’t been wearing my wedding rings for 5 months. He hasn’t even noticed, or if he did has never mentioned why? The kids had witnessed one I don’t want them to witness another (they are 13 & 15) they know what is going on they don’t need to be involved. Now to his defense, he is a good guy, I realize I am painting him a picture of a horrible man. He isn’t he mows the lawn, takes care of the cars and the pool, fix what needs fixed, but not with any responsibility attached to it. Doesn’t take care of any of the bussiness of the house, no idea how much it costs to run a house. Due to economy his pay reduced 50% dosen’t think about spending. But his reaction to these important houshold stuff is ineffective , now I just don’t want to try. I feel finished with him. Can’t seem to find anything I like abouth him any more. If it wasn’t for my 2 wonderful, terriffic, kids…..I probably wouldn’t be here today. But in the condition I’m in, isn’t good for theem either. They’re always asking what wrong, you look so sad. I tell them I’m fine, and I miss my dad, but they know it is more and it is killing me to see them hurt because of me. I am so sorry….it’s such a circle I can’t seem to get out of. I been to psychiatrists that med you up on one thing then another….and another After he was done I was sad, anxious, suicidal and felt crazy…. I’m soooo sorry, Thanks for listening/reading if you were able to get through it. My plate keeps getting fuller. Any advise I know it’s alot. I am not a perfect person, I have emotional issues I was very upfront about. They are getting out of control and I am walking a tight-rope without a net. I explained to him before how I would get, I thought he would be my net….he isn’t. Ok….I’m done rambling……goodnight……

This open post was written 2 months, 4 weeks ago | V/U/S: 88, 1, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

suicidal thoughts, depression, saddness (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

A logged in and verified Help.com member has the ability to setup a Friends List and invite others to help with posts.