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I Have Know idea Whats Wrong With Me, I’m Worried?

so sorry this is so long, but its very complicated, i tried to shorten it.

I have this big problem that I’ve tried to avoid my whole life, i never cared that it stopped me getting close to people (emotional and physical) i even managed to get by lying to everyone i know (including my family) about who i am, because there was simply no way for me to tell them something personal about me with out it becoming a lie over night, i can even except that i can’t get a job because with this problem i can not commit to anything.
but now its affecting my writing, with out writing, (stories, poems) i am nothing, i become depressed and i even self-harmed.
so i need to fix this problem, can you read through and tell me what you think might be wrong with me?

I don’t believe i have Multiple Personality Disorder, after going through the Symptoms i can’t relate to any of them but the name seems to state my problem perfectly, i have two completely different personalities, here’s a description of the two.

Child: this side of me is a carefree nature loving kid, who loves everything simple, like laying of grass in the sun, climbing trees and going swimming in what ever shes wearing, she connects really well with animals and is very strong in her faith (Christianity).
i call this side Peter Pan because she is just like him and is terrified of growing up, not because of the responsibility tho, but because of aging and losing the way she sees the world.
this side is straight, is ONLY attracted to boys, but never will she let a guy touch her because it scares her and brings a sick trapped feeling over her.
she likes to write about adventure, innocent children and animals.

Grownup: this side is the complete opposite, she dreams of the city life and even likes more ruff music like ‘muse’ and ‘the cure’, wail Peter Pans favorite is slow and heartfelt music, especially ‘Michael Jackson’(you are not alone, childhood, human nature).
she has a real need for control and is a Bisexual, but still does not let men touch her even tho shes attracted to them.

these sides are both very formed and detailed even down to having different favorite color’s.
“Grownup” likes to read and write romance stories, “Child” likes adventure and children stories.
they both are disgusted by each others personality, “Grownup” thinks of “Child as a suck up to God, wail “Child” sees “Grownup” as very disrespectful to everyone.
They even argue, i know this sounds crazy but “Grownup” once made “Child” cry, since then shes been nicer to “Child” and I’ve even found that she is protective of her, almost like she knows how dangerous this world is and wants to keep “Child” safe from it.

So that’s my problem, It sounds crazy i know, i have been to therapy over it, but it took me 8 weeks(4 visits) to bring it up, and i only did that because at the time both personalities were at war, “Grownup” was being very intimating to “Child”, something she used to do often.
when i told her everything i felt really relieved, like they both had just disappeared and i was normal, when i got home it was the same, a week later i felt the same, but then i realized that i was permanently in my social mode (the way i talk to strangers, very polite and professional) i was like a robot, i couldn’t write because i couldn’t feel, i cut myself that week just to prove to myself i was still alive, i felt empty, i realized that i some how made both personalities disappear so that i wouldn’t change myself by getting help, it was my way of protecting myself.
so the next week i told Robin(therapist) that everything was fine and that problem was gone, i lied and when i left her office for the last time both personalities came rushing back.

I know this may sound like MPD( Multiple Personality Disorder) but i really don’t think it is, both sides know what the other is doing all the time, there’s no missing space, it’s like they just keep taking turns of the control for my body, like how one day you like ‘plain chips’ and the next you prefer ‘Barbecue chips’, instead its my whole personality that changes.

Please if you think you know whats wrong with me, HELP!!
sorry for the bad spelling.
Thank You.

“It’s Not Hard To Be Kind”
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This open post was written 2 months, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 174, 3, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

Self-harm, Christianity, Homosexual, Help, Mental, lesbian (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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