noaid changed the tags on this post: they were "" 2 months, 1 week ago.
This reply has been removed.
Obviously you are in pain and I can tell you are still in love with this person you are divorcing but like anon said everything happens for a reason. There must be a reason why you two are not together anymore, whether she or you wanted it that way. Is it possible to get back with her again? Did you try marriage counceling? Why are you divorcing if you are still so much in love with her?
awwwwwwwwwww :(
write her in your will or something. write last wishes… :)
do you still love her?
Thats all i can say, I’m only 15… I don’t know much about these stuff
Anonymous wrote:
It is very difficult to get over a divorce I agree strongly with this, wether its years or months that you take to get over your loved one, friends and family support can help and remember that the longer you hold on to it the more you will suffer, thoughts may come to mind but, may you overcome these negative thoughts, I never said it would be 100% aproved that you will recover soon but, im offering the best help I can give. Remember that things happen for their reason and no one can have all the answers to the problems fully, if it isn’t on the person’s will power and action of trying to help themselves.
It has been almost 6 months now but time does not appear to be healing. I just suffer in different ways and the intensity ebbs and flows as I constantly playback the past. There are no ‘friends or family’ I have that can offer support or diversion. I have to wrestle the thoughts on my own and try to hold insanity back.
beatricegalant wrote:
Obviously you are in pain and I can tell you are still in love with this person you are divorcing but like anon said everything happens for a reason. There must be a reason why you two are not together anymore, whether she or you wanted it that way. Is it possible to get back with her again? Did you try marriage counceling? Why are you divorcing if you are still so much in love with her?
We did try a marriage councellor a couple of years ago. It helped in bringing out some of the feelings and emotions that were being held back. It also gave us another perspective. Above all it gave us confidence or hope to carry on, to try and make the marriage work. Her mind was made up when she filed on the grounds of irreconciliable differences, and once made up I know I cannot change it. She has that kind of stubbornness. I still love her (although she would say I do not show it) but if this is not mutual or she sees a kind of futility then I have no hope of getting her back.
MyNameIS_CharloTTe wrote:
awwwwwwwwwww :(
write her in your will or something. write last wishes… :)
do you still love her?
Thats all i can say, I’m only 15… I don’t know much about these stuff
Thanks. Yes, deep down I still love her but she would say I do not show it and that I say and do things all the time that gives her the feeling to the contrary. I do have difficulty in expressing my emotions and instead hope that she would find other means to seek the affirmation. This is however not her way and unless the love is openly expressed and not just implied (or based on trust) she will continue to have doubts. These doubts then grow and become the catalyst for the path to total breakdown fuelled by many small and trivial matters that confront any two people trying to live together.
She based her reason on irreconciliable differences because you couldn’t show her your love and then she started doubting? What else might have happened if you can remember, that cooled her off and turned her away from you completely?
This reply has been removed.
beatricegalant wrote:
What else might have happened if you can remember, that cooled her off and turned her away from you completely?
All manner of things are raked up when a relationship turns sour. In the end the major issues get swamped by all the minor ones that should just be part of living together. So it was more than just my coldness, as perceived by her. She wanted more out of life. I was stuck in my ways but not unwilling to find a compromise. The way I did things were not to her liking. Her wishes were being ignored. Then of course financial issues. All in all nothing individually should have caused a breakdown but she allowed (or we both allowed) the accumulation effect to sway our judgement on the future.
Anonymous wrote:
Im very shocked though because it is very enduring to learn to live with someone for 13 years and of course adapt to the person. If I may ask is it hard at first to adapt to the person or does it all depend on the relationship itself?
Emotionally I am a wreck hence my out-pourings, and my health is failing. The kind of relationship does matter but unless it involved some extreme behaviour, e.g. violence, or ended very acrimoniously, you feel a great loss. Someone who was part of your every moment of existence is no longer there.
noaid changed the tags on this post: they were "divorce ex-wife death" 2 months, 1 week ago.
It is interesting to me that the thing that is bothering you so much is missing out on each others’ dying moments. What about the living ones? Death is but an instant, a transition. It causes grief for the living who remain, but even when it comes those living generally use their grief to remember and cherish the life of the person they have lost. Life is when we have an opportunity to express our love for each other and we never know when that opportunity ends, for it is only a limited time offer.
You said above that she wanted more out of life. I also left my ex-husband because I needed more out of life. Perhaps what she wanted you to learn when the two of you went to counseling and when she expressed to you that she was unhappy was to live this life and experience the journey. After all, we don’t even really know where we end up when it’s all over and whether you die first or she does, that’s the end of it as far as we know. By the time one of you is gone, that person will have left behind worldly joys and sorrows alike, so what’s the point in living for that moment? Live for this one and the next, but not for the last.
Just wanted to reach out to a soul in pain. My mother is going through this as my father left her after 33yrs of marriage for a younger woman. Your pain reminds me of how she describes her copeing.
It has been two years and I can tell you she is very isolated and has spent alot of time focusing on this( maybe even over-analyzing it). Meanwhile (sickningly) my father barely grants her a passing thought as his life is very active.
This story does have a morale though it may be hard to find and even harder to live. Until you commit to moving past this and starting something new (hobbies, new people or friends) this will not fix itself. My mother has refused to do anything and quite frankly is stuck after two years with little to no progress.
You however can get past this, but you have to let go of your ex. You said you have no family (Do you not have even a remote family member?). No Friends, though it may be hard to see and it sure doesn’t happen overnight seek out people you might want to have as friends (social clubs…).
Everyone in the world says “give it time” or “you’ll get over this, you’ll see”. We’ll I am here to tell you that this is simply bollocks, these type of throw away statements only show that people do not see the problem as theirs or feel your pain as vicerally as you do.
I am not pretending to be in your shoes, but I can tell you that I have witnessed this kind of suffering up close.
Friend, re-join the human race because the alternative is pretty grim. You may never forget your ex (nor should you entirely) but don’t let this pain take over your life.
Wishing you the best,
KMM
Nyxotic wrote:
It is interesting to me that the thing that is bothering you so much is missing out on each others’ dying moments.
Thanks. I should explain that these morbid thoughts have come after all the other emotions of loss, of lonliness, of despair, of futility, of regrets, of yearning for the better days. Also, she used to talk about old age and who would care for her and felt that death was not too far away for her. I would reassure her that I would always be by her side.
I would like to cherish the moments we were together but they will be tainted by thoughts of how they could have been sustained, if only things could have worked out differently.
I have to look ahead but I just see bleakness and no hope
noaid wrote:
I have to look ahead but I just see bleakness and no hope
Then it’s time to create your own vision. Perhaps it time for you to take up a new creative outlet. Get your emotions out on some sort of canvas or paper and use that to force yourself into creating your own future again.
Your life is far from over. Don’t let it slip by.
Is your ex sick in any way? Are you paying her health insurance? I know someone whose ex-wife lied to him about her “illness” to keep him. She made him guilty of leaving her. Is this your case too?
She does have an illness but even without this she felt that she would not have too many years to live. It was however not necessarily an obsession. Her illness is curable and probably not uncommon with age. The divorce settlement has yet to be finalised (I will of course, as is the norm in these situations, be taken to the cleaners) but one part will be health insurance (this is not a problem for me). In a way she did use ’short life’ to sway matters her way and perhaps blackmail is too strong a word but I felt compelled.
I knew it. Many people use their “illnesses” to make the other one feel guilty to leave them. In your case as you stated it, it is not as severe as the person I know has. Why do you say you will be taken to the cleaners? If she hasn’t worked and was a housewife while you were married, yes. But if she is working, things can be devided equally. Do you have kids together or they are all grown up now? You sound like a loving and caring man. If your ex-wife or wife you are divorcing now can comprehend that, she won’t use you. I am afraid she controls your emotions and yes, by reading your post, I have to say she blackmails you! Better believe it.
Is it totally too late? r u sure? If you still love her can’t you try to fix things? How would she feel if you sent her 100 roses?
Have you read the book the 5 love languages? I recommend it even if it is just for use in future situations. Also have you seen the movie Fire Proof? There is an accompanying book The Love Dare that may be of use.
beatricegalant wrote:
… Why do you say you will be taken to the cleaners? If she hasn’t worked and was a housewife while you were married, yes. But if she is working, things can be devided equally. Do you have kids together or they are all grown up now?.
She has never worked and we have no kids. I have no problem in supporting her but the courts are likely to award 50:50 and that would be way above what should be considered reasonable.
She has actually moved out and I have not seen or spoken to her for over 6 months. The relationship reached a point of no return almost 9 months ago and in the emotional turmoil too much was said to ever be able to now turn the clock back. We utterly destroyed in the 3 months the relationship of 13 years. Her mind was made up and once made I had no chance of changing it. To her it was an accumulation of issues and thus vitually impossible to counter as, at each attempt, she would just find further things to add.
Noaid, as painful as it may be but the best for you and for her will be if you let it go. She let you go. I know you heard this a thousand times but believe me, time will come to your “rescue” in feeling guilty over something you have no control over anymore. Let it go. She moved on. Better believe it. You should too. Don’t think of “what if’s” and so. You don’t belong together anymore. We have compassionate feelings for people in our lives but it could not control our beings. Especially about what happens in time of illness and death. You can’t make yourself guilty about something that wasn’t or will not be your fault. Once you understand this, you would be able to let go. Even if you’d stayed together as husband-wife, she would get sick and die one day. You can’t make yourself guilty of that, you didn’t cause it. Self-torturing is not a good path to follow. Instead, think of the times when you fully supported her and you probably still do. After divorce, you still have to pay her spousal support, her health care, her expenses and half of your pension. She is well looked after. Are you? Time to move on dear noaid and think what good things can you do for the rest of your life with yourself.
Beatrice, yes, you are right it is time to draw some kind of line and try to come to terms with the reality that confronts me. The memories of her by my side through all the trials and tribulations will always remain, and I know will continue to surface to bring back the deep pain and loss. One part of me actually wants to keep the memories alive and in the forefront, and not even to heal. It would seem like a betrayal to do otherwise and let it diminish in my mind. No other parts of my life have been of any significance or consequence. I have only had this one life. Now I can now never bring it to a proper and a natural closure as it was destined, where we stay together, experience the joy of sharing, care for each other and conclude the journey we started and vowed to complete to the very end. Now we will live separate lives to the very end, and what may have been will forever haunt me; the more intensely if she passes away.
For the past 6 months I have been in limbo. Wearing a mask to hide the broken and fragile inner-self. I believe I will slowly have the mental capacity and strength to move on but the fulfilment I had hoped and longed for in life is now lost forever.
Noaid, believe it or not, so many of us went through this already. I am one of them. I even have a grown up child from such marriage. The worst thing to do is to allow the haunting of memories taking you and digest you. You can’t live in the past and hope of what if’s and what may have been’s. How do you know if it would’ve been fulfilling for you at the end? Just because you would have lived as husband and wife? She wasn’t happy with you. She could not understand you, let along, love you the way you wanted to be. There were tons of misunderstandings and building walls between you two based on those. I bet you it had nothing to do with you. It must have been her all along. She probably was a type of person who didn’t trust anyone because she wasn’t happy with herself. She must have had a traumatic childhood. But you have to ask yourself: was it fair to you that you paid the price for her lack of trust and previous experiences? You can’t say that the life you hoped for and longed for is lost forever. You can’t live on memories. It is not fair for you! It will take time to step forward, but it won’t happen if you keep dwelling on the past. You must accept it that she is nothing else but a fond of memories. A new life is waiting for you but you don’t want to accept it. You must focus your feelings and attention to your own life now. You might find someone else who would be a perfect match for you and would make you feel like a real man! If you keep dwelling on something that is gone, soon you won’t be able to function in reality. You are just as important to yourself as she once was. Life you longed for has not been lost. You are just holding onto the wind……
beatricegalant wrote:
… The worst thing to do is to allow the haunting of memories taking you and digest you…. Life you longed for has not been lost. You are just holding onto the wind……
As you say I have to focus on the future no matter what my thoughts are on what this may hold. At the same time, without it consuming me, I want to remember every moment of the life with her no matter the pain it will surely bring, as some experiences can only happen ‘once in a life time’. On my death-bed it may also be the only part of my life I will want to remember as my dying thoughts.
Thanks for persevering. I have read you words several times and I am now slowly bringing myself round to look ahead.
Does she have someone else? I can’t accept that it’s too late. Perhaps she has a mental illness?
Cell wrote:
Does she have someone else? I can’t accept that it’s too late. Perhaps she has a mental illness?
I do not believe so. Once matters such as these are taken to the brink with lawyers involved it really is a point of no return. That said, we are both wiser now with the passage of time living apart and after the heartache and the emotional wreakage it has caused. A ‘lets try again’ with a willingness to ‘forgive and forget’ should now have a better chance than ever before, but only a mediator could make this happen and I can think of no one. Also I do not know how she has come to terms with the situation, but with her friends and family around her I suspect it has been less traumatic and she has already made plans to move on.
What would she do if you sent her flowers and a poem?
She never really liked such things when we were together. She viewed it as purely a ritual which had no real meaning. She gracefully accepted only so that it would make me feel better.
idk, maybe u r depressed?
What does she like? What is her love language?
Nothing that could be conveyed in a few words or a few gestures. She would want love, care and devotion, to name but a few, all to be shown for long enough for her to be convinced they were genuine.
do you think u r depressed?
I am inclined to that frame of mind but it is not chronic.
If my hubby up and left me after 13 years I would do whatever it took to win him back. 13 years is a long time to just throw away/give up on.
Do u want to have a second chance with her?
Yes I do but with some trepidation as it could all again end in tears. To go through a break-up again would really take me down the path of self-destruction. I would also like to win her back but perhaps I lack confidence in being able to do so. I would feel devastated if she turned down my approaches. A fear of failure! I feel she has already made up her mind and will not be willing to take a chance, to be hurt again and to end up with more ‘wasted time’ (life is too short).
Did you get the books 5 love languages and Love Dare?
If you are serious about a second chance get those books right away and see what you can do!!!
It makes two to tango Cell. He can move heaven and earth with the stars above and beyond, if she doesn’t want to do anything with him anymore. It would just tear noaid apart even more of such failure. It would not be a good idea. His marriage has ran its course according to his (ex)wife. You have a very good point Cell pointing out that 13 years is a long time and if that had happened to you, you would do anything to gain your husband back. Noaid’s ex-wife hadn’t done a thing. In the contrary, she moved on. There is no logic in fighting against the wind. I think noaid would do a favour for both of them if he would let it go and would accept the fact that she is well looked after even without him but by him. They can take away everything from him except his fond memories of a marriage once was. But that is what it is and should remain for noaid’s sake: memories.
Maybe she wants to be pursued? Perhaps he has given up too soon?
If I just walked away from my hubby he would chase me! He would never be ok with letting me move on!
Perhaps I am wrong but I think he should at least talk to her again and see if there is any possible way.
If the past was not already littered with shattered hopes and dreams, of sincere attempts made to re-ignite only to fail, of forelorn promises made but unable to keep, of trust shown but not reciprocated, of faith placed in the bond but found to be wanting, such an approach may perhaps work. We have, in the past, given each other another chance, one last attempt - too much to lose and throw away - and managed to carry on, but it has always been short-lived. We are now too tired and emotionally exhausted.
If we were both younger, unfettered in sprirt, had the capacity and the will to overcome in the face of adversity and with odds stacked up, then again it may be different. The past has made us cautious, has left lasting wounds and now we are too vulnerable to further hurt, thus too scared to venture forth again.
That’s why I said what I said. Your story reminds me a LOT of someone I know….maybe it is you. Your story is so similar, so precise, like a carbon copy.
What I told that person too is what I am telling you now, that it is really time to move on for you, do not dwell on the what if’s and what could have been’s. No matter which one of you will go “home” first, you should not feel guilty about something that is not your fault. Dealing with a loved one or once loved one’s death is never easy but it is out of your power to redo and patch up things that will never stay together. Focus now on your own life. You might be surprised how many things you will discover about yourself that was or were surpressed before. You are worth it!
beatricegalant
MyNameIS_CharloTTe
Nyxotic
KMM
Cell