Family help: hi, i just wrote this song (really, like 10 mins ago) and i was hoping for feedback. - Help.com

i like how it doesnt rhyme, but the third verse should have another line unless you intentionally left one out. but overall its good, especially the first and second verse

could you help with mine?

huh? your right. i just spaced the 4th line in verse 3. any suggestions? ill go to yours now :)

that was pretty good but i kinda didn’t understand what troubel u were in.

maybe like a line that would say how you could help him, or some sort of regret for bringing him into that trouble

yea sorry i was vague but i more wanted the focus on that he’ll help me whenever i need it and there’s really no specific trouble i’m in, cuz i’m not in any :)

mathfreak wrote:
that was pretty good but i kinda didn’t understand what troubel u were in.

o iunderstand you now.

yea i’m trying to think of something but everyone(friends) keep interrupting before i get to it, ahhh! but i love ‘em anyway

classicrock1818 wrote:
maybe like a line that would say how you could help him, or some sort of regret for bringing him into that trouble

ok so i like just looked over the song and i pretty much rewrote it. so this is like the 2nd draft i guess and maybe the final.i personally like this version better. anyway um if you could look it over and just let me know what you think i’d really appreciate it. :D

VERSE 1
you’re right there
and i’m calling out for you again
you come running
just like you always use to

VERSE 2
when you find me, i’m drowning
and you, jump into save me without a seconds thought
and within a moment
you’re right next to me

CHOURS
looking at your face
looking at this mess
i wanna be that little girl
who still has much to learn

VERSE 3
you’re always telling me
that you still have my back
but part of growing up
is proving i can make it in this world

VERSE 4
you were always there for me
no matter what was happening
you were my savior
and you made it look so easy

CHOURS
looking at your face
looking at this mess
i wanna be that little girl
who still has much to learn

PRE-TAG
what i never saw
that seems so obvious

TAG
i’ll always be that little girl
who still has much to learn
and you’ll always be my savior
who comes when i call

what do ya think?

its so much better than the first version, it just seems a lot more direct and less like you were trying to write a song :)

could you help me on my new song? haha :)