marriage help: Wife wants to move to Wisconsin to be near her family. - Help.com

Sounds like a double whammy for you. Your wife should be more supportive. In the meantime try to find a job.

this may not be too helpful but have you tried talking it through with her family, too, to see whether they’re willing to budge a little? good luck!

We have talked about the fact I’m trying to compromise, but her claim is that I always knew she was a “Wisconsin girl,” and didn’t know I secretly planned on taking her away.
I know I wouldn’t hate WI - I grew-up there. I just like MT a lot better. It gives me something that’s hard to explain. It’s probably like the equivalent of what her family gives, but I can’t just give MT a call on the phone.

Why do you want to live in Montana? If she feels (as I would) isolated and cut off from her family maybe that should mean something to you?

You don’t have a job there, you don’t have family. So exactly why do you want to live there if the woman you’ve committed yourself to hates it?

It does mean something to me, but …
she’s married to me, not them.
there are plenty of ways of connecting with family - she can visit, they can visit, phone calls, etc.
I don’t like them and don’t want to be close to them and get embroiled in their politics.
they don’t accept me either.
I love Montana for many reasons - the open spaces, mountains, rivers, and the activities that those things are associated with. It makes me feel at peace. I was born in Milwaukee, but that doesn’t mean I have to live there, or even that it is “home.” Montana feels like home for me.
To further complicate things, I have allowed my wife to pursue a couple of businesses and to “try” nursing school (only one semester). In the mean time I have done the 9 to 5 thing in jobs I haven’t liked so she could chase her dreams. This has put us in severe debt and we now have to file for bankruptcy.
This is a very complicated issue and there is even more to it than this.

Yes; she married you. But she will always be part of them. Blood is inseperable, and “home” for her is where they are. “Home” for you should be where she is. And like it or not, you made them your family when you married her. You marry a woman and her parents and her siblings and her crazy uncle Joe. They become family, and you have to learn to live with them. I’m not saying you have to knit sweaters or bail ‘em out of jail every weekend, but you do have to respect her need to be near them.

You have “allowed” her to persue businesses? And “allowed” her to “try” nursing school? Hello? Are you her father? You don’t “allow” each other anything. She wanted to start a business, and she did. She wanted to go to nursing school, and she went. You wanted to work so she could have what she wanted…and you did/do. There’s no “allow”.

The simple truth is, you are all wrong.

You are wrong for not seeing that needs to be near them. You are wrong for not having discussed these plans with her long before the wedding. You are wrong now for expecting that she give up her whole family so you can enjoy the West Wind and Merry Breezes.

She is wrong for telling a grown man “time’s up” and expecting you to just pack your bags and follow her. She’s wrong for not making sure she understood your plans for your future together before the wedding. She’s wrong for trying harder to reconcile the differences between her family and you. And, probably, she’s wrong for not making more effort to stay in touch with them via alternate means.

And, her family is wrong for basically abandoning her once she moved away. It wouldn’t hurt any of them to try harder to like you (unless…you’re abusive or something), wouldn’t hurt them to try to visit, wouldn’t hurt them to pick up the phone; and probably wouldn’t hurt them to help with the bills now and then if they’re able.

So how many wrongs does it take to make it right? Which one of you is going to break down and take the high road by doing the right thing? Which of you can stop seeing yourself as being in charge of the other and start working together on the partnership that your marriage is supposed to be?

Dragon Lady (you should’ve picked a less intimidating name), for the most part, you are wise. For one thing though, I do detect a minimization of my reasons for wanting to live in Montana. It’s OK though, all women do it. Women seem to think female values and needs, are on a higher plane than males’. The things that men like and like to do seem trivial to most women. Watching football, fishing, etc. are just trivial hobbies to women. In this case, the need for family has higher meaning than me wanting the west wind flowing through my hair. My wife thinks so and so do you.

Your last paragraph is definitely right on, but just how we get there is the key.

For one thing though, I do detect a minimization of my reasons for wanting to live in Montana.

Not intentionally, I assure you. I had a similiar fight with my DH about living in Arizona. But we worked it out and found ways to make sure we both feel at home. And since you are filing for bankruptcy and the economy is in the tank, that’s probably what the two of you are going to have to do.

So stop blaming each other. Grab a big notebook and a pen and start making a list of what the two of you to want accomplish both seperately and together. And then work out ways to do as many of them as possible.

Hi Artist644, and thanks so much for your post. It’s actually a bit more complicated, but for the most part you are experiencing what I am - and, like you, have gone through more than once. Due to a job or relationship, I have never lived where I have wanted to. Furthermore, in today’s world the man is expected to live where the woman wants to. There’s no question. Every guy I know is living this reality. And it usually ends up being in the back yard of the mother-in-law.

The cards are stacked against us. It’s really hard to trump the “family” card.

As far as this being more complicated, I’ll say that I too am from Wisconsin. You might think that solves the problem, but the thing is - that’s just a coincidence - because I don’t want to live near my family. I want to visit them once in a while, and that’s it.

I have two proposals, which haven’t gone over very well: 1. Move about half way to Rapid City, SD. Not my first choice if I were single, but I’m trying to compromise here. It also has good employment, some mountains, outdoor stuff I like to do, etc.
2. I find a really good paying job in the west somewhere, allowing her to work part-time or pursue a business - allowing her to visit WI more and for longer periods of time.

Like I said, neither of these are even close to acceptable to her. Her attempt at compromise is eastern Minnesota.

Any more advice? Like you said, if I give in she will be happy, and I will be … well, you know.

Two of my brothers gave in to this very thing and ended up divorced - one of them divorced twice. The other one just moved to TN because his wife wanted to. We’ll see what happens there.

Peace.