This post left anonymously
Why do i feel this way?
I’m going to ask a question here - but i’m not sure ye’ll understand unless ye know a few things about me first - so here goes, sincerely hope ye can help =)
First off - I am 15 years old, but please don’t immediately pass the judgment that i’m attention seeking or going through a severe case of teenage angst. I live in Ireland. I like to think i am a genuinely nice person, i’m (for lack of an original phrase) the listener. I smoke 20 cigarettes a day, usually benson but I also enjoy consolite. I’m working on giving them up - but i have to get the all clear about a certain nicotine patch from the doctor. Hopefully soon =] At 12 i was caught shoplifting, and received an a.s.b.o. From there on I began to drink continuously, and taking different mild, not particularily legal, drugs. But mild =] I’ve been sent to 3 different psychiatrists/psychologists - I’m not entirely sure what the correct term is, but i’m **** certain that i do not like doctors. My stepfather has been with me since i was a tot, I love him with all my heart. He works too hard, but you can never stop him xD My mother doesn’t work, due to conditions dealing with 13 tablets a day. I love my mam more than everything - the best friend i could ever want.
Over the past few years i’ve had numerous amounts of hobbies. Namely soccor, hockey, basketball, tennis swimming, violin, piano, treble recorder, guitar, magician, banking, art, mythology, films, Science, ..yada yada, you name it. i’ve given them all up - because i lost my interest. first point - i no longer have any interests.
I realised i obsess. For one example, the film V for Vendetta. Don’t ask me why - but I think whenever i find a new interest, I immediately obsess, and then quickly lose interest. I understand that obsessing causes this, but yet i still find myself doing it.
I stopped drinking and drugging because my friends were “sick of trying to pull me out of an alley” and “sick of threatening to call an ambulance”. I always had one thing I mostly lived by - that if anything I do has a self destructive impact on Me, and me alone, then that is fine. But if i see it irritating, frustrating or “worrying” others - i stop. Example - I Stopped Self Harming Because My Father Was “Worried Sick” When I Was Rushed To The Doctor One Night. So - I stopped. But then i began to lose interest in socialising, not looking forward to the weekend. My only guess at this is because I only ever looked forward to it because i knew i would be drinking. I crawled into a whole for that summer, and as a result - was forgotten by many. No worries like - but it did make me paranoid.
Now that i’m not doing “the stuff I shouldn’t be doing” - almost every friend i have SPONTANEOUSLY ended our friendship. I’m confused - I did what they asked .. but I also made it clear that i was doing it for me.
All i can think of now - is how HAPPY and SOCIABLE i was when i was supposedly “ruining my life”. When i was diagnosed with “Depression” - i was HAPPY. which is what i dont understand .. they based their diagnoses on my actions, not my feelings. let me emphasise - i was really,genuinely HAPPY. but now - im not. dont get me wrong im not planning any suicide attempt here >.< but im extremely confused as to why i feel empty. i hate to use that cliche - but it is how i feel. it is this emptiness, vacant, overall “not there” feeling - which is, basically, annoying and bewildering the **** outta me.
I feel the paranoia coming back - i see myself thinking “i should turn to hardcore drugs, because if i was happy on mild ones, i should be happy on strong ones!” dont get me wrong - i fully understand the dangers, i understand what impact drugs have, yet i catch myself mentally saying this. my mind sees two sides simultaneously - which is irritating as i lose my sense of what’s what. im sorry if im not making much sense, i dont intend to i assure you, ill be more clear.
i’m lost. i have no interests to keep my mind busy. My mind is racing, but i dont know what its racing about. im up and down, high and low over nothing. i havent felt like this since my last trip.
i never worry. really, i never do. but im worrying constantly nowadays - however the confusing side is, i have no CLUE as to what i am pestering myself over. i have a wonderful home, caring and supportive parents. but i see nothing in this life that interests me, or causes me to work my *** off in order to achieve it. you could say i have no aspiration - i wish i did, believe me i do. but there’s nothing, what does this mean?do you know?
i’m not allowing myself to get out and mingle, discover something that i truly love.I want to, but i don’t. i envy the sight of a person going for their goals, when i’m unintentially standing on the sidelines, watching.
Would You say it’s all my fault? Was there something i did wrong at some point through the line? Clearly, yes it was my own fault - but do you think if i figured out what it was i did .. i’d be able to solve this?
Overall, my question is -
Why do i feel this way?
Honestly, if you COULD help, i would IMMENSELY appreciate it if you would. I have not spoken to my parents about this, as i do not Particularily want to worry them over something that may not be of much importance - so i’m confiding in you. YOU, the reader. The person who came across this. The person who bothered their **** to read to the end - and, i thank you. truly i do. Without your eyes and opinion, I’m lost. And for that, i admire you.
again - many thanks, for reading =]
This closed post was written 1 month, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 79, 2, 1 | Edit Post | Report Post
Reciprocity (0) 
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
Replies (2)
Where were you?
You can also watch events on Help.com as they happen
cherry-pie-
Invite Others to Help
Seeing as this post is closed, no invites are allowed.