Love help: what should i do? - Help.com

what should i do?

i’m not one to complain.
or even to mention anything that is bothering me.
But it’s all becoming too much for me right now.

Background information:
My parents broke up when i was 10 years old. which is not that big of a deal excpet that it started a massive downward spiral. When i was 8 my mother told me she was leaving us. She was going to abbandon us because she couldn’t take it anymore. My mum told me last night, 10 years later that she was going to kill herself. make it look like an accident. Because she reconed that her dying would be easier for us to deal with than her leaving us. Anyway, When i was 8 we persuaded her to stay. She then had an affair and took us (me and my brother) to live with her and her new man. I saw my dad once a week or something. I’m very much a daddy’s girl and this was difficult. My brother found it hard too. My and my brother were best friends growing up. After this point he started sexually abusing me. almost everynight for 6 years. and then he went to university. I developed eating disorders and drug and alcohol problems at the age of 14 to help me cope with everything. I was a mess. I am a mess. At the age of 15 i had an abusive boyfriend and then i was raped. My boyfriend said that i had showed him everything that was wrong with the world and that everything was my fault and i was a horrible person. I believed him. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends or do anything really. I wasn’t even allowed ketchup on my food. i broke up with him and promised myself i wouldn’t let anyone treat me like that. i got raped again. and then again. and then i got into another bad relationship. All my boyfriends cheated on me but i didn’t care as long as they said they cared about me cause i just needed to feel cared for. I got kicked out of school and arrested and then changed schools and lost all my friends. i was completely alone. i’ve attempted suicide a few times. i’m unkillable. This year has been rough. I was raped in april and then finished school in july. everyone of my friends has just gone to university but i planned on taking a gap year.
I got a new boyfriend and he has a lot of his own problems.
He has a phychosis type thing. Thats like split personality disorder. His other half… cheats on me all the time. Threatens to rape me and hits me and we fight. But he has no memory of any of it. I can’t blame my boyfriend or any of this cause it isn’t him. His other part has been pretending to be him and seeing his ex. To get to me. I just can’t deal with it anymore. They think i’m bipolar. But i’m so much more than that. there is so much **** that no one even knows. and this message cant even begin to scrape the surface. last night i had sex with boyfriends other personality. As he said if i did he wouldn’t sleep with my boyfriends ex anymore. but now i have cheated on my boyfriend. even if it is the same body. It’s still cheating. And my boyfriend told me he doesn’t know whether he can do this anymore because i put myself before the relationship. And he says i do nothing for him. He doesn’t even have a clue with what i have to deal with. He has super bad mood swings too.

I just feel so suffocated and lost. And like i want to tear off all my skin. It’s like i don’t fit.
I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.
My boyfriend says i need to fix things. But i can’t even fix myself. He acts like eveything is all my fault. And i just want to be cared for.

I’m annorexic and obsessive compulsive. I’m bipolar and suffer from servere depression. I need someone to help me but i don’t think i’m helpable.

I’m a horrible person.

Ignore this message. I just had to write it down somewhere. Have a nice day.

This open post was written 1 month, 4 weeks ago | V/U/S: 107, 7, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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