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I don’t really know actually.

I’ve been depressed for 12 years. And it comes back now and then.

But today i just have the urge to crawl into a corner and die.

Gues the fact that i’ve been without any friends / relations since my “black page”
is mostlikely just getting to me. It’s not comfy being alone for a year. “And i mean deserted alone”.

Just pisses me off, gives me the feeling i’m wasting other peoples air.

Been in therapy for about 6 months. It was ended becouse for the other “Conditions” there was no know threatment, so basicly even psychs have given up on me.

This is my last few weeks of uni, been doing it in complete solitude. The chance i’ll find a job is slim as there’s no job availeble. “Puts pressure on a man”

And yes 12′ve years. from the age of 11 full blown, but been down since i’ve remembered. Used to be happy when i was like 6-7, but wrong people wrong time wrong place.

Think i’ve been hit more times then u’r supposed to be able to survive. Each time i showed a hint of emotion is was battered out of me by someone somewhere. None where my family but they’ve sort of given up aswell.

This has trained me to completely shut down emotions, basicly a form of active psychosis. Which terifies me, theonly way posible to express myself is annonymous through poems and photographs. As the moment i feel something the most basic of emotions takes over, Rage. Usualy pointed against myself, i littwerly get angry for feeling compassion / kindness.

As anger is all i’ve been thought to know. to feel. When the only way to get people to respect you, is by assaulting them relentlessly, and that for atleast 5-6 years. It’s all you know at some point.

It’s also what destroys you, there’s a person inside me somewhere, enchained locked down. That person is who i wanted to become, who i wanted to be. Who i was raised to be.

Yet i’ve been torturing / attempting to kill, this person since ever i remember. What replaced him is the creature, this fiend what i am now, it disgusts me when i think about it.

It feels like i’m a hollow shell. I don’t get into relationships as i’m afraid of myself.

My best case scenario has been rather grim for me as of lately, I’m hoping someone kills me. As suicide has been an option that failed, and i doubt about it too much now.

But if someone would have the decency of ending my life for me. I’d mostlikely be gratefull for it.

Thats the man i’ve become, all i can pray for, is that this shell at some point will break and die off, releasing the man i should be. the man i am.

To answer them term by term

[what other conditions?]
Clinical Depression
Mild yet chronical psychosis

[are you kidding me! youve been on your own all this time??]
Nope not kidding, been without anyone to share the burden for atleast 4 years now

[what are you studying?
what job would you like?]

System administration, “It management”

[you have been so hurt, i can imagine you hitting your rock bottom more than once
how did you manage to get out of it??]

Never got out of it, there was always someone stopping me at the final moment.

[why so angry?]

The feeling i could have stopped it all when i was younger, i’m blaming myself now for mistakes i made while i was 12-13 or even younger.

[what was the catalyst?]

Having 5 people kick you over a road, and waiting for a bus to run you over, purely for their enjoyment doesn’t do you much good, Nor are the same people trying to stab you at a later age.

[how was your up bringing?]

Freeloving with a slighty catholic hint. My parrents never forced me into anything, and when i do have a moment where my emotions get room, i love them dearly.

[whats your happiest memory?]

Honestly i can’t remember.

[whats the worst&at what age??]

Being kicked of 4 sets of stairs then laughed at by 30+ people. i was 17.

[who do you want to be, other than the man you are??]

A man with the right values. One that protects / loves and cherishes the people around him, a man that could stand up for his family, and defend his values.

[why are you afraid of yourself?]

i know i’m capable of gonig so far as to kill someone at this point. And i spend time restaining myself from not hunting down the people that got me to be this way.
I also know i’m capable of killing myself or have been atleast.

[how many tmes you tried to commit suicide&when]

Twice. Once when i was 17. by jumping. Survived it when minor injuries.
Second time at 21. I started self torture “Slashing” As it gave me a chance to focus on the pain. Pain is very real, far more real then emotions. At some point i started to realise the error of my ways, and slid my wrists.

After that i went into therapy. Fortunately i went to the doctors on my own accord. It was the first time someone was woried about me, ever.

Now i would no longer contemplate suicide for atleast some time.

But not wanting to live, is a horrible state to be in.

Some of the questions i just cannot answer.

But i have an older brother / sister.

Last time i saw the person that hurt me most is less then 2 weeks ago, and it made me just wander around the city for the rest of the day. “I felt like killing him on the spot”.

I am most angry at anyone that takes a go at me right now. Hense the poem.

Suicide, it’s odd. Feeling the life slowly flow out of you is terrifying, yet it relaxes you. It feels like you’re going home.

Name, i can’t give you that.

I took legion as a allias, becouse of the biblical story.

Legion was the demon that cowered to none, Except good men. Legion was also the demon with a million faces, yet no soul.

I feel my soul has already gone to a better place. It’s just my body stuck here.
Actually i’ve had people from the local church tell me i don’t deserve a soul.

I can’t disagree with that. Seems a waste using one on me.

In this uni there is no abuse.

As no one knows me, i’m like a shade. I apear and disapear without anyone noticing.
And those that do notice get ignored.

Only thing that will surely make me stronger is death, but that’s not an option.
So i don’t know.