This post left anonymously
I never thought I would share this…
You hang your head and feel your stomach tighten. The past starts fast forwarding through your head and you get a hot flash. The inside of your mouth gets very wet, and you think of them. It probably wasn’t the chain smoking. I doubt it was the shock. It could have been the weather. The photographs run through your mind and you feel sicker with every single slide, then suddenly, it happens.
You feel gross. You feel dirty. You get up and wipe your nose and look into the mirror, just to catch a glance of yourself in this most unsavoury moment. You actually look better because your eyes are full of tears and your eyelashes look intense. Your lips are puckered because you’ve just used them in the most unruly way. You want to feel better, so you turn on the water and take a sip of the cool water, which suddenly seems 1000% sweeter than any drink you’ve ever had. You stare at yourself and think of your dreams, and how your sure they’ll help you move forward.
You start to feel better so you turn out the light and commit yourself to a new project, or anything to make the stomach feel better. As soon as you’ve settled into your new momentary commitment, you feel it again.
Five years seems like 10 seconds in your head and you start to wonder why you can’t stop replaying it over and over. Maybe it’s because new people start to ask you for details, or maybe it’s because your trying to find the glitch where it all went wrong. But you can’t. So you run to the bathroom again and repeat your actions. Then you realize that you have no control and your just going to have to ride it out.
You feel upset and hurt for doing this to yourself and you feel pathetic just for feeling pathetic, but you don’t know how else to feel. You don’t know who to blame, and in your mind, lean on the stance of ‘yourself’, even though outwardly you don’t believe it.
Your happy for all of your short term successes and just for making it from day A to day B, but your uncertainty of the future makes it harder to believe what you consider ‘lies’ that you make up for other people so that they’ll think your strong.
The hiccups begin and you wonder if you were meant to be happy, or sad, or successful or amazed. You don’t know if you can feel that bliss again, so you commit to yourself that you never will and that is the worst of all, so you tell yourself, no more of this and no more of that. But you know it isn’t true.
Happiness is not a fish that you can catch….
This open post was written 1 month, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 137, 7, 6 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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