father help: Hello, I had a fleeting relationship with a 30+ year old woman in my early twenties and we had a son. - Help.com

well, he is getting older, and the longer you leave it, the harder its going to be. i wouldnt expect him to want you in his life, or to be very happy to see you at this point-you have seriously seriously let him down in his life.
By law you should be paying maintenance for him, and im surprised the mother hasnt followed this up through the courts. If you feel she will not take the money however, then at this stage it might be prudent to offer to pay for college or university, as the amounts owed are probably similar.
other than that-if you want to see him, ask to see him, but dont expect too much. and for goodness sakes start paying toward his upkeep, he is your son, after all.

i believe courtybubble is on to something i would even suggest when he is 18 to buy him a car and true if he goes on to school to help in any way you can..I don want to judge it needs 2 to Tango…But the Boy????Totally innocent.

I read your post and i’m not another dad in the same situation but i am a mother of two children who have a dad just like you so maybe i can share their experience with you. Their father like you did not bother… and that is what it boils down to…. doesn’t matter how you dress it up it boils down to you didn’t bother with him. I can sort of understand when people say they blocked out that part of their life and when it comes back to haunt you you feel guilt and shame…. That is a very small price to pay so you just have to deal with it. From reading your post you were actually physically close enough throughout his childhood to see him regularly or at least try…. and you haven’t even provided for him financally… a small amount into a bank evey month would have given you some way of proving to your son that at least you spared him that much of a thought on occassion. It’s not about money…. my partner never paid a penny towards his kids… and mine are 20 and 21.

My advice is…. Do not approach your son and reel off a list of excuses why you didn’t bother… keep it short and honest…. I didn’t bother because i couldn’t be bothered to… Does he really need to be burdened with your problems and excuses… My ex reeled off a list of excuses when he eventually saw his daughter when she was 17… she came away from the experience with only one thought… her father did not take any responsibility for his poor attempt at being a father…he blamed everything and everyone but himself! She walked away and has never seen him again.

Money won’t make up for the fact you have never been around and to be honest i don’t see you taking out a loan to give him money would be any help at all…. If you get the chance to build a relationship with your son then your time and energy spent with him is what he will want…. The problem is that at 15 he will have a hundred and one things he would rather be doing than spending time with a man who hasn’t figured in his life so it’s up to you as the adult to stick with it… If you introduce yourself to him and then decide to walk away again then you will never be given another chance… well you shouldn’t be!

If I had heard that my absent father wanted to pay for my education, after not paying child support for so long, I would have laughed my head off and looked for “Candid Camera”. I wouldn’t believe a word of it, and would rely on the money being there for me when I needed it.

The other possibility is that he may believe and not try to save any money for his schooling. If you wait until he is almost through his first year of school, and then offer to pay tuition for his second year, he will likely be thrilled to have your help. If he has your help right away, he might just blow it. This way, he will have set study habits established.

Whatever you do, don’t give the money directly to him. He would likely blow it on crazy stuff that he doesn’t need, or party with it. Pay tuition for him, or give it to his mother bc she is the person who spent all of her money to raise him. She would know how it should best be spent, bc she spent her time with him and would know his plans.

If you want contact, I suggest a nice letter that is well-written. Tell him what you want out of it. Say flat out that you are sorry, not “I wish I had…”. Wishes don’t help to get over that many years of being absent. He likely thinks that you hate him. If he asks you later why you didn’t contact him, tell the truth.

Remember, if you slam his mom, he will likely hate you bc he was raised by her and knows that she probably struggled. She was the one who did everything with and for him. Slamming her will make you look worse. Take responsibility.

Good Luck.

I didn’t get the impression from your post that you intended to slate his mother if you met your son…. but just in case the thought does cross your mind i tend to agree with the post above… Don’t do it.

My ex got copies of every school report, every doctor’s letter, every school information letter… anything that had anything to do with his children i copied it and sent it to him… along with school photos etc. Every birthday and Christmas i sent him the cards that my children had written for him even though they hadn’t met him and every birthday and christmas they got a card from their dad ( that i had bought and wrote out and let them believe he had sent them). When my daughter went to meet him he stupidly tried to make out that i had not allowed him near the children and had deliberatly kept him uninformed of their progress…rather than take responsibility for his own behaviour. Unfortunately what he hadn’t counted on was that everytime i sent him copies of things the children witnessed it… when they were old enough they even posted it to him themselves… I had never said one bad thing about my ex… for several years after we divorced i actually made excuses for his lack of involvement but that stopped once the children were old enough to realise that they were just excuses!

My daughter spent one hour with her father that day…. and in that hour he did more damage than i could have done in a lifetime if i had chosen to slate him! She discovered for herself what a waste of space he was.. and as always i was the one to pick up the pieces after it.

I know not all mothers can seperate their feelings for the fathers of their children from what is best for the child but most mothers with time will come to terms with their own feelings and after a period of time they may not shout the praises of the fathers but they tend not to slate them at every opporunity either. It is best to assume that your son may have a very one sided picture of you and it probably is not a very good picture but the only way to build a relationship with him is to give him the “real you” now…. and if you are genuine in estabilishing a relationship with him for the right reasons then he will be able to tell that. However if you are going to try to build a relationship with him so you can ease your own guilt, shame and sadness then you are doing it for the wrong reasons and you should leave him alone.

Anonymous wrote:
If I had heard that my absent father wanted to pay for my education, after not paying child support for so long, I would have laughed my head off and looked for “Candid Camera”. I wouldn’t believe a word of it, and would rely on the money being there for me when I needed it.

The other possibility is that he may believe and not try to save any money for his schooling. If you wait until he is almost through his first year of school, and then offer to pay tuition for his second year, he will likely be thrilled to have your help. If he has your help right away, he might just blow it. This way, he will have set study habits established.

Whatever you do, don’t give the money directly to him. He would likely blow it on crazy stuff that he doesn’t need, or party with it. Pay tuition for him, or give it to his mother bc she is the person who spent all of her money to raise him. She would know how it should best be spent, bc she spent her time with him and would know his plans.

If you want contact, I suggest a nice letter that is well-written. Tell him what you want out of it. Say flat out that you are sorry, not “I wish I had…”. Wishes don’t help to get over that many years of being absent. He likely thinks that you hate him. If he asks you later why you didn’t contact him, tell the truth.

Remember, if you slam his mom, he will likely hate you bc he was raised by her and knows that she probably struggled. She was the one who did everything with and for him. Slamming her will make you look worse. Take responsibility.

Good Luck.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for my words to sound so mean. I read them back to myself, and it sounded like I was. Your children might benefit from a relationship, so go for it. nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Hello, thank you for all the replies - wish I had come here sooner. Just to say that I certainly do not blame the mother - quite the opposite, although I would have done in the past as I were looking for any excuse not be resposible for my actions.

Think that the best way forward is to do what you have all suggested - firstly start to pay the mother whatever I can, and to not expect to meet my son as he’s got better things to do at 15 than to hang around with a repentant 40 year old.

Thank you again for your honest replies; the most obvious advice is always the best.

your welcome and good luck

it would probably be wise to ask if he wants to see you-he may well do, after all. just be prepared for some hard questions

courtybubble wrote:
it would probably be wise to ask if he wants to see you-he may well do, after all. just be prepared for some hard questions

I like ^ and totally agree!