trust help: Pushing Him Away

chrisd_2

Pushing Him Away

Hi, this is my first post, I’ve been dating a man for 5 months now and he’s a wonderful person. The problem however is that he had just recently seperated from his wife. Emotionally he had left the marriage a long time ago. I was weary at first because of the time that it takes one to heal, but my heart quickly was his. He’s been under a huge amount of stress dealing with financial issue and his children (grown) are his life as it should be. He worries how they will manage as well as the stress his ex places upon them. He tends to pull back when things pile up. Here begins my problem, and it is my problem not his. Having gone through a hurtful divorce myself and having dated some not so nice men, I tend to over analyze. This in turn makes me nervous that he is pulling away from me, like my ex-husband did (though he left for another woman).

Case in point, this morning I noticed he had changed a saying on his MSN, it had been one that I had put there, he changed it to something general. No big deal really, but I felt as if this was the beginning of the end. Rationally I know it’s petty. He asked what was wrong and I told him it was too silly to talk about but he asked, and then he said he wonders if that is how I’ll be with everything. Which he has every right to think. I am not controlling and believe that in order to have a good relationship each person should have their own identity. Though I honestly can’t blame him for saying what he did.

He is under enough stress now without my silly insecurities, so my position now is that I wonder if I’ve driven him away because he doesn’t need to deal with that. As well how do I let go of the past and have trust in someone. I love this man, and if he says he can’t continue a relationship I will try my best to smile and thank him for all the good memories. Knowing that it was me who ruined the relationship is what is even worse.

Help!!!

This open post was written 1 month, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 148, 11, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post chrisd_2 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. chrisd_2 is a verified member, has been around for 1 month, 3 weeks and has 1 posts and 4 replies to their name.

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Richard Cor de Lyon 20 #
An Undisclosed Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (23 minutes after post)

Apparently, you don’t love enough if you have trust issues. People that truly love another will trust them, that’s the way love works. Now the trust issue may not necessarily be with him, and I’m betting it’s not. The trust issue is with yourself, and has to do with your ability to love yourself - your own self esteem and self confidence. As you know trust and communication is critical in any working relationship (key word being working). Never poo poo the little things. You can talk about them and acknowledge how small a thing it is, but little things not spoken about become these huge monsters waiting to attack the other person. If we don’t talk about things our own insecurities start taking over and start turning shadows into ghouls.

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Dr. Ralph 76 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (1 hour after post)

You do over analyze. Chill out and relax, you are making everyone nervous for no good reason.

Help me with: They just started year round school here and the kids are on fall break.

Anonymous #
1 month, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 5 minutes after post)

It is not surprising you have trust issues when your husband left you for another woman… but try and think positively…. Did you drag your new partner off the street kicking and screaming into a relationship with you… did you have to beat him over the head to get him to agree to start a relationship with you… Of course you didn’t… He has seen something in you that he liked… and you in him… that is the basis of any relationship and something to build on. Now i know it is the easiest thing in the world to say that you have to build up your self esteem and then you’ll be more confident and the little things that bug you now won’t do so but it is the truth. It doesn’t have to be anything difficult… Smile at everyone you meet… challenge yourself mentally, physically, emotionally… anything that will give you a sense of achievement when you succeed… yes you will have little hiccups along the way…. someone will dent your confidence and make you wonder but that is all it is… a little hiccup.

Your ex partner wasa coward… he couldn’t come to you like a man and say i am unhappy can we do something about it… he had to slope off and find a security blanket (another woman) before he would leave you…. How insecure was he!

It is the hardest thing in the world to ignore a compliment or return a compliment with malice…. so set out every day to compliment everyone you come across… it does not have to be anything big… i like the colour of that shirt or i think you have an amazing sense of humour… i can guarantee that no one is going to turn around and say thankyou… byt the way i think you could do with a haircut or your breath stinks… they will retur the compliment with a compliment… and it makes you feel good!

chrisd_2 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (2 hours, 45 minutes after post)

Thank you all,

Yes a good relationship is absolutley about communicating, I was feeling like I should not have bothered him with my issues because he had enough to deal with on his own. I have a good self esteem and have gotten that way by overcoming some difficult times. I recognize my problem lies in the abandonment issue. My ex-husband actually left me for his ex-wife. I came home and he was gone, off course as with all stories this one too goes much deeper.

When things happen that bring me back to that time in my life, I feel like it’s waiting for the axe to fall, and it’s a self fullfilling prophecy when one takes the time to realize that. I tend to work myself up and therefore it spills outward.
I would really hate to lose this man because of my insecurities, because I know it has to be scarey for him to begin a new relationship while formally ending another. It would be logical for him to have doubts and fears as well.

I’m great at giving advice to others, and one of my favorite statement is “don’t let your yesterdays determine your tomorrows”, I’m just not so good at following it myself.

Anonymous #
1 month, 3 weeks ago (2 hours, 51 minutes after post)

The fact that your husband left you to go back to his ex wife shows that he is a big coward.. he wasn’t even brave enough to put himself through the possibility of rejection from someone new… better off without him but i guess you realise that now.

My ex left me…went off with another woman…. it didn’t work out and i stupidly took him back…. although there was actually no cheating involved as we had broken up before he started a new relationship….second time round the same problems were there that were there the first time round and probably more because i had problems accepting he came back because he loved me and couldn’t live without me when i honestly think i was just the safe and easy option… Took me a long time to wake up to that one! But when i did i realised the relationship wasn’t going to work… he left me again and i truely believe he will in the future try to come back to me…. I won’t take him back this time though… Your ex husband’s first wife has to live with the fear he will leave her again…. and believe me that is not going to be easy for her!

chrisd_2 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (4 hours, 10 minutes after post)

Well he was just here, and I could tell by the way he was talking to me that it’s over. He mentioned his female friend was going on a blind date and said that’s the way you do it. You go out and keep meeting people till you find the right one. I askedd is that what he wanted to do, and he asked how I got that out of what he said. He’s been pulling back, I had written something on his cell and he loved having it there, well what I wrote about earlier is that he had removed it. So yes I did become insecure. I am losing him, and I knew I was taking a chance because he needed to get his life on track before beginning a relationship but I let my heart lead.

I feel lost and mad at myself for letting him in my life so quickly and for letting my insecurites drive him away.

Anonymous #
1 month, 3 weeks ago (4 hours, 17 minutes after post)

I’m sorry you’ve not had a good experience this evening.

Maybe you should back off from him… let him have his space… if he realises you are the one he wants he will come back…but this is not just about your insecurities… this is about him too…. he has just as many insecurities as you but he may hide them better.

I think that a woman who has suffered the humiliation of infidelity in the way you have… survived it…. and come out the other side of it with such a positive attitude… is BLOODY wonderful!

chrisd_2 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (4 hours, 49 minutes after post)

Yes it’s that old addage, if you love something set it free…I know that deep down and I’ve been here before so I know that. When it comes to other areas of my life I am a very confident person, when it comes to believing that a man will love me enough to stay I fail miserably.

I do try to keep a positive attitude even when he would be so stressed that he didn’t know whether he was coming or going. I told him how important it was to not bottle things up. He would ask why I would love him and why I wanted to be there when his life was in turmoil. I would kiss him and say because that what love is about, taking the others hand and holding them tight giving each other strenght. So now I feel because I’m feeling insecure that he’s thinking wow she’s nitty picky and can’t deal with it. Should I feel bad about bringing up my feelings when I know it will drive him away or should he try a little to see why I’m feeling like I am. Am I being selfish because I try hard to never take things for granted.

Anonymous #
1 month, 3 weeks ago (5 hours after post)

I’m very similiar to you… in a lot of ways.

If anyone had to describe me they would say i was confident, independent, strong, trusting, loyal…. and a lot of other words… in everything i do with work, my family, my social life etc etc…. but in my love life i am a total and utter failure…. all that confidence and strenght disappears. But i honestly think men are drawn to women like us… they can spot the weakness in the one area that they can manipulate and control… i think your new partner sees that and is possibly using it to make himself feel better!

chrisd_2 0 #
An Unknown Location | 1 month, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 10 minutes after post)

Very similiar to me indeed, I tend to give all of myself to another, then I feel like I’m not worth having that same love. I know he’s got to be confused this hasn’t been a friendly seperation for him, and he’s a doting father and should be proud of what he’s done.

Someone replied earlier and said that to love someone is to have trust in them…to love takes great courage giving your heart to someone knowing that at any moment they can break it in two but having the faith that they won’t.

People say I’m too good, but isn’t that what you do when you enter a relationship is to give them your all. Funny how some things can make you cry, earlier a man asked if I had a bf and I replied yes (all the while wondering if I did). He said he is very lucky, and I’ve gotten that response many times before. So what do I do to make a man fall out of love with me? Thank you Anonymous for your help, it means a lot!

Anonymous #
1 month, 3 weeks ago (5 hours, 37 minutes after post)

I have turned to this site so many times over the course of my relationship with my partner…and so many people have comforted me, advised me and just been there for me you are more than welcome if i can help in any way.

When you described your partner in the last post…. you were describing my ex when i first met him…. gone through a not so friendly seperation, was confused, doted on his kids and therefore had the pain of not being with them to deal with too… three years on…i’m the shell of the person i was emotionally when i met him… he sucked me dry… and then it ended… probably not for the last time… he’s come and gone so many times in three years i have lost count… each time blaming the terrible divorce he went through as the reason why he was having such a hard time… the more i gave him the more he wanted until there was nothing left to give.

I think we are both drawn to men who are emotionally detached from the real world and who we believe need our love to fix them… problem is…. no amount of love will fix them… they don’t want fixing!

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