These are funny to read.
The customers are not easily duped but the conversations and attempted negotiations are priceless.
From Me to ********@gmail.com
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:
Hey there!
Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available?
Michael Murphy
Vice President
Murphy Glue Factory, Inc.
From ********@gmail.com to Me
RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners:
HELL NO!!!
55 comments | Add Comment
Free Couch
Posted at: 2009-09-25 14:37:58 | 116 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
I WANT YOUR COUCH
IF ANYONE HAS AN UNWANTED COUCH I CAN COME GET IT. WILL TRAVEL UP TO 20 MINUTES FROM CONSHOHOCKEN. PLEASE SEND PICTURES. THANKS
From Me to **********@*********.org:
Hi there! You can have my couch if you are still looking for one. Let me know! You can either e-mail me or call me.
Mike
From Juan ********* to Me:
HI MIKE
I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH.
HOW BIG IS IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?
WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANY MORE?
YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CANT CALL YOU.
From Me to Juan *********:
Juan,
The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people. I don’t have any pictures because my camera is broken (I didn’t realize it was in the garbage disposal when I turned on the switch.)
I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a few weeks ago. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather it not be in my apartment anymore. Just give me a call and we can set up a time for you to come get it.
Mike
From Juan ********* to Me:
MIKE IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION. YOU STILL DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.
From Me to Juan *********:
Juan,
The couch is still in very good condition. There are only a few minor blemishes, but you can’t really notice them. There is a little bit of blood on the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my grandfather shot himself. I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really soaked into the fabric by the time I found him. The blood dried though, and now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look better. It is a brown couch anyway so you can’t even notice it.
Mike
From Juan ********* to Me:
NO THANKS
From Me to Juan *********:
Why not? I thought we had a deal. Is it because of the blood? You can just turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea.
From Juan ********* to Me:
THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
GROSS!
From Me to Juan *********:
Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said it was covered in blood - it just has a little blood here and there.
I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.) I cleaned most of that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won’t even notice it.
And this probably isn’t a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and when he died it set part of the couch on fire. On the plus side, it did burn away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it. The couch no longer smells like urine. It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you love barbecues.
From Juan ********* to Me:
THAT COUCH IS ******
THROW IT OUT!
From Me to Juan *********:
Why would you waste my time if you weren’t going to take the couch? I’m sick of having to deal with people like you. I’m just trying to get rid of a decent couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.
From Juan ********* to Me:
IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND **** ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!!
DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE **** WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A ******* GRILL
From Me to Juan *********:
Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then? It is a CharCooker 500 and has three burners. Two of them don’t work because my grandfather shot at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really well. I’m asking $400 for it, and for you, I’ll throw in a couch for free.
From Juan ********* to Me:
I DONT WANT YOUR USELESS **** GUY!!!!
116 comments | Add Comment
Free Diseases
Posted at: 2009-09-18 09:18:27 | 137 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
Looking for someone with chicken pox or shingles to expose to my two children. If you are still contagious and want to help, email or call ***-***-*****.
From Me to ************@***********.org
Hello,
I saw your ad and realized I could help. I have shingles right now, and the doctors tell me that it is still in the contagious stage. I live in South Bend. I would be able to visit your kids, or if you want to bring them to me, that works too. I took some sick days off from my job, so I am pretty much free any time.
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
Mike thank you so much! I want my kids to be exposed before they have to go back to school so I would like to do this ASAP. How does tomorrow sound?
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
Tomorrow works for me. How do we do this? Do I just sneeze and cough on your kids or something?
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
Hi Mike,
They should just be in your presence for a few minutes. Where in South Bend are you located? I can drive to you. Do you have a number you can be reached at?
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
I do have a phone, but I only have like 10 minutes left on my plan until September, and I need those minutes for ordering pizza. Lets just continue via e-mail. I live in LaSalle Park, are you familiar with it?
Also, it probably isn’t a big deal, but I figured it is worth mentioning that I also have pulmonary tuberculosis right now. I hope this won’t be a problem. It is probably better for your kids to get that out of the way too - it can be a real pain when you are older.
What time do you want to meet tomorrow?
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
I don’t want my kids to have TB. Thank you for trying to help but I am going to find someone else.
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you away with that. Pulmonary TB isn’t that bad, and it is best if your kids get it over with when they are younger. You may as well knock it out at the same time as the chicken pox.
If you want, I can throw in malaria for an extra $50. My friend Tom just got back from Africa and I can have him come over and give it to your kids as well. He got all sorts of whacky diseases when he was in Africa. You might want your kids to get them too, just so they won’t get them later if they ever visit Africa.
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
Mike are you aware that TB and malaria don’t work that way? People can’t just “get it over with” those are very serious diseases.
From Me to Jenn ********:
Jenn,
I think I know how TB works, I have it (duh).
I just assumed you were one of those mothers who wanted to have sick children to attract pity and attention from others. Malaria is a great way to get pity from other moms! You’ll be the most talked about mother in your neighborhood. You could brag about it to all the other mothers when they are going on about their sick kids - “*sigh* life is so hard with my husband at work, and my poor son has the flu.”
“Oh yeah? Well my two kids have ******* malaria. Suck it.”
You’ll be the envy of your whole clique of mothers.
Please reconsider my offer.
Mike
From Jenn ******** to Me:
How rude. I want my kids to get chicken pox while they are young for the medical benefits, not for attention.
You have problems, Mike. Seek professional help immediately.
137 comments | Add Comment
Deer Hunter
Posted at: 2009-09-08 09:05:23 | 162 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
Looking for permission to deer hunt (bow, shotgun) on a property in Bucks County.
I am a very responsible hunter. Willing to compensate you for your permission.
From Me to ************@**********.org
Hi there!
I will let you hunt in my backyard. I live in an area that is infested with deer. You are more than welcome to kill as many of those white-tailed bastards from hell as you want.
I only have one small favor to ask - let me know if you are interested.
Mike
From Dennis ********* to Me:
Mike,
Thank you. I only plan on bagging one or two deer. Is your property available this weekend? What is your favor?
Dennis
From Me to Dennis *********:
Dennis,
If you are concerned about not having enough room in your truck to bring the deer back, don’t worry about it. You can just leave the pile of carcases in my backyard and I’ll take care of them. I’ll probably just drop them down my neighbor’s well, or put them in my wood burner. Burning dead deer makes my house smell nice.
The one favor I am asking of you shouldn’t be that much of a problem. My neighbor has this goddamn cat that always wanders into my yard at night and meows. It wakes me up and I am unable to fall back asleep. Also, I can’t tell you how many times I have stepped in cat **** on my patio.
All I ask of you is that if you see my neighbor’s cat wander into my yard, please blow that son-of-a-***** straight to hell. Shotgun or crossbow, I don’t care how you do it. Try to make it look like an accident though if my neighbor sees it happen.
This weekend is fine for me.
Mike
From Dennis ********* to Me:
How close is your neighbor’s house? I was under the impression that you had a large plot of land.
I feel uncomfortable with the idea of killing your neighbor’s cat. Sorry.
From Me to Dennis *********:
My neighbor’s house is about 50 yards from my house. Why won’t you kill the cat? Just pretend it is a deer.
From Dennis ********* to Me:
The cat is someone’s pet that they love. I won’t kill it. I am willing to compensate you some other way. Have you had a talk with your neighbor about your problems with their cat?
From Me to Dennis *********:
I don’t believe this. A hunter that loves animals. Now I’ve seen everything. I can’t talk to my neighbor - she has a restraining order on me from when I went over there and punted her cat like a football.
Seriously, if you kill the cat, my neighbor will have no idea. I was thinking - you said you had a bow and arrow, right? Would you be able to get those arrows with the explosive tip, like the ones Rambo uses? That would surely blow the cat into unrecognizable pieces and my neighbor would never even be able to find it.
From Dennis ********* to Me:
I’m fairly certain that those arrows are fictional. That is beyond the point because I am not shooting a cat. End of discussion.
From Me to Dennis *********:
Is this some kind of a joke? Are you from PETA? Just kill the goddamn cat and you can shoot all of the deer that you want. I’ll even have the grill fired up so we can enjoy some freshly-killed venison.
Also, even if those arrows aren’t real, they don’t seem that hard to make. What about that thing that Arnold used in Predator? Didn’t he just take grenade launcher rounds and tie them to an arrow? Try that. Do you have an M203? That would work even better.
From Dennis ********* to Me:
I’ll find somewhere else to hunt, thanks.
From Me to Dennis *********:
I hope that while you are hunting, you miss your shot and accidentally kill a cat anyway, you *****.
162 comments | Add Comment
Kons For Kids
Posted at: 2009-09-01 12:47:05 | 167 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
childcare needed
looking for a responsible and dedicated person to babysit my two children during the week. you will be needed monday through friday, from 7 AM to 4:30 PM. email me at ***********@comcast.net and we can talk about pay. DO NOT EMAIL ME UNLESS YOU HAVE REFERENCES
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Hi there! Are you still looking for someone to fill your babysitter position?
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
yes i am. please send your info and any past expereince you have.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Actually, I am not the one applying for the position. I run a rehabilitation program for good people who are trying to enter society again, and have a few candidates who I think would be able to watch your kids. They will work for a much cheaper rate than a professional babysitter, but will still deliver professional service.
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
what kind of rehab program do you run? injured people or something like that? if you are talking about drug addicts than forget it.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Absolutely not! Don’t worry, I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete’s sake!
My rehabilitation program is called Kons For Kids. We help get ex-convicts back on the right track again, by giving them second chances that they deserve. We help them experience the joy of working with children and helping the community. It is often difficult for these ex-cons to get jobs after being released from a correctional facility, but it is a requirement while being on parole.
We have seen lots of success with the program. Most of our clients are extremely satisfied with their ex-con. Despite the negative image that people like to give to ex-cons, they really are loving, caring people.
I have two potential clients in your area, if you are interested. Here is a little info about them:
Derek Schillinger - Derek is a 43-year-old male from the Delaware County area. Just released after serving 17 of 25 years for two counts of third-degree murder. Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
Timothy Beecher - Tim is a 36-year-old male who was just released after serving 12 years of his 15 year sentence for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Tim was released on good behavior and is ready to get back into the real world. Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area. Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them.
I look forward to working with you. Please let me know which person you were interested in, and I will give their parole officer a call.
Thanks!
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
wow. kons for kids? that is the stupidest thing ive ever heard!!! who the **** would let a murderer watch their kids!
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
KFK is a very respectable program. I’m guessing from your apparent issues with murderers, you aren’t interested in Derek. Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder. Third degree murder isn’t premeditated murder, and it usually just accidental murder. I talked to Derek, and he said he didn’t mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. Please give him another chance.
If you don’t want him watching your kids, I’ll understand. Should I tell Tim you are interested instead?
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
i dont want tim or derek or any of the other lunatics you try to pass off as babysitters! murder is murder it doesnt matter which way you put it now leave me the **** alone!
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don’t make me have to give him the bad news.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Are you still there? It has been three days, and Tim wants to know when he can start working again.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren’t willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim’s life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person.
Mike
This open post was written 1 month, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 160, 7, 7 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Subscribe to Replies | Report Post
Reciprocity (3) 
Since writing this post Good ole boy has helped in 3 other users' posts within the last 4 days. Good ole boy is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 9 months and has 153 posts and 5,794 replies to their name.
Replies (7)
Where were you?
You can also watch events on Help.com as they happen — Disable Post Maps or Hide Yourself
Eddieee
Anonymous
breezy.
Sabrinna
Coalesce
Tictactomm
Invite Others to Help
Don't know the answer to this post, but know someone who might? Invite them to reply!
- We send them a link to this post with your message and a post excerpt
- We will NEVER use their email for anything else
- Your invitation message is confidential
- When your friend visits from the email, you'll be automatically joined on your Friends lists!
- We still forward a link for your post to the post author and any repliers, just like if you had replied to the post yourself.