boyfriend help: He doesnt care anymore.He’s a changed person… So

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He doesnt care anymore.He’s a changed person…

So me and my boyfriend have been going out for abit past a year , we broke up last month for a few weeks because he flipped when i was with my guy friend, which he dislikes.The reason why he dislike my guy friend matthew is beacause, his twin brother martin, used to have a thing for me, tried to hit on me, and get inbetween us but although for all that, i still spoke to him as a friend and my boyfriend has really hated it. He’s told me to cut him off but by the end of the month, i ended up speaking to him some how, through facebook, mutual friends , wahtever. and so at the end of every month for about half the year, he’d beg for me to change,and to cut him off and i would promise, and end up breaking it a month after , knowing i couldnt. So, besides my commitment issue, my bf knows i cant change. and so after the matthew incident, he went beserk and cut me off for a week. he’s a changed person now. ofcourse i felt guilty and ive tried really hard to see him and make it up to him but he’s said hes done with me, and basically im not worth it..and it hurts. Not only is this a problem but he has really bad family problems, and although this has nothing to do with it, he’s on the use of cocaine as well.Anything i say, he ignores, he brushes me off, and neglects me. We’re back together but it isnt the same. before, he was sooooo IN LOVE with me, he’d call, he’d msg, he’d always always want to see me, be with me, do anything for me. and now, he couldnt care less. he doesnt even care about how my day is going. he sighs in exasperation when i cry, as if he’s putting up with me rather then being there for me. he says he still loves me, has feelings and cares but his actions dont show it.. i can honestly say that he isnt treating me right, and its very depressing but i have hope that he’s the same nice guy i fell for. He just doesnt care no more, and i admit, i have turned from the confident independent to the clingy and needy :/ my girlfriends have told me to stop calling, stop beign so needy, and then my other girlfriends have told me to just stick through it because hes going through a really hard time..which he is, but thats no excuse to mistreat your ppartner,because they should be there for you! He calls me annoying and nosy when i try to ask questions to help, because hes not even letting me in on his life! and my other girlfriend who says shes been down teh same road i have , said its just going to lead to friends with benefits and that im just dragging it on . And that people change, and things will never be the same , so i should just move on , and if i really love him, id let him go. which is what im considering.. because it takes two to work, not one… so any suggestions or advice? id love to hear from past experiences as well. i really want this to work out.

This open post was written 3 years, 7 months ago | V/U/S: 2,362, 9, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (7 minutes after post)

“that’s no excuse to mistreat your partner”

You seem to think there is right and wrong in this world. Look, if someone is behaving differently it is because his fundamental needs are not being met. Trying to argue over whether he is right or wrong is stupid. Figure out what needs are not being met and he will love you again.

Yes, clinginess and neediness are huge turn-offs. I don’t understand what you did that angered him. Was this guy friend simply someone he disliked? WHy? Why was he so upset? And why do you have to “make it up to him” because he saw you with this guy?

I can’t figure out what’s going on here. You both sound messed up: him because you can’t see whatever friends you want; and you because you are so needy.

If you figure out what the real issue is then you can figure out what needs he has that are not being met. If it’s simply that you are not following his arbitrary orders and judgment about people, that sounds messed up. If it’s trust, then you have to earn it back (presuming trust is a reasonable issue).

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Anonymous edited this post 3 years, 7 months ago. Read the previous text »

He doesnt care anymore.He’s a changed person… So me and my boyfriend have been going out for abit past a year , we broke up last month for a few weeks because he flipped when i was with my guy friend, which he dislikes. and after that, he;s changed. ofcourse i felt guilty and ive tried really hard to see him and make it up to him but he’s said hes done with me, and basically im not worth it..and it hurts. well , to cut to the chase, we’re back together but it isnt the same. before, he was sooooo IN LOVE with me, he’d call, he’d msg, he’d always always want to see me, be with me, do anything for me. and now, he couldnt care less. he doesnt even care about how my day is going. he sighs in exasperation when i cry, as if he’s putting up with me rather then being there for me. he says he still loves me, has feelings and cares but his actions dont show it.. i can honestly say that he isnt treating me right, and its very depressing but i have hope that he’s the same nice guy i fell for. He just doesnt care no more, and i admit, i have turned from the confident independent to the clingy and needy :/ my girlfriends have told me to stop calling, stop beign so needy, and then my other girlfriends have told me to just stick through it because hes going through a really hard time..which he is, but thats no excuse to mistreat your ppartner, who should be there for you. He calls me annoying and nosy when i try to ask questions to help, because hes not even letting me in on his life! and my other girlfriend who says shes been down teh same road i have , said its just going to lead to friends with benefits and that im just dragging it on . And that people change, and things will never be the same , so i should just move on , and if i really love him, id let him go. which is what im considering.. because it takes two to work, not one… so any suggestions or advice? id love to hear from past experiences as well. i really want this to work out.

Anonymous #
3 years, 7 months ago (1 hour, 13 minutes after post)

Yes , trust is a really big issue too which ive forgotton to mention. He has no trust for me, and to earn it back, would take a really long time he says. He also said that with his family problems, he doesnt want me to go through them with him and destroy what we have. He gave me alot of reasons why he didnt want to be with me actually, which is just why im so confused. I dont know what he wants..i know that he doesnt want me to ask about his family problems. So i give him his space, and he calls at night, and he actually tries to make conversation with him. When i reciprocate the cooperation, he goes back to giving one word answers. So what does he want?! he doesnt even make plans with me, only comes over last minute because he doesnt want to go home. sigh.

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (1 hour, 23 minutes after post)

Like I said, I just don’t get what it is you did that was wrong and why he was so upset about it.

There’s nothing wrong with you stating your expectations for a relationship and saying you’re willing to listen if he wants to talk but you’re not willing to be treated this way. You have to be willing to walk away.

Quite frankly if he gives you a lot of reasons he doesn’t want to be with you, I’d strongly suggest you accept them and find someone who wants you and does everything he can to have you.

You make yourself weak and unhappy with your clinginess.

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jess.vuon 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (1 hour, 31 minutes after post)

What i did that was wrong was that i told him i would not associate with my guy friends no more, and its been a few good months before they ever came up.He dislikes them because he’s had a history with them. I guess that last act just killed it.
He also says that he wants to be with me, yet doesnt.. but for now, im just trying to not suffocate him. Do you think that would be better? if i gave him his space? a week or a few?
Be there for him but not tend to his command, and just be cool…lol.
slowly go back to my independent ways and occupy myself . Thanks so much for your advice and opinion, i really appreciate it.

linuxya 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (1 hour, 41 minutes after post)

I just don’t get why your seeing your friends is such a problem for him. He has no right to control you. If a man tries to isolate you so he’s your only social contact, this is a major red flag for emotional abuse.

Quite frankly, I think you are better off independent and finding someone who isn’t this messed up. Tell him the way you expect to be treated and let him shape up. Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

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jess.vuon 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (23 hours, 5 minutes after post)

Thank you for your insight. I’ve made my decision ,hopefully things get better while i work on myself.

coco1629 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (2 weeks, 2 days after post)

I’ve read all these posts, and i hope the two of you can get through this. I hope your decision is to work it out. If you have the time and patience you should be able to talk or argue about anything and still come out of it together.For me calmly talking about the situation really helps along with good body language. There are much much worse things in life than what u did, or even to have family problems. Everybody’s life is hard,even some rich famous people don’t have it “easy.” I have personally been through some very difficult and heartbreaking situations and relationships. If you read this and it makes you feel any better, what happened between me and my boyfriend is a sin, and it hurts every day. He broke up with me last year and i thought it was done. he wouldn’t even talk to me. I was very emotionally distraught and i did something i’ll allways regrret- i slept with one of his freinds. awhile later my boyfriend wanted to get back together so i told him what i had done because i love him and want to be with him the rest of my life.i couldn’t live with this secret the rest of my life, and although he will never heal the wound i have caused, we are together and do love eachother, even through all of that hell. If it works out for us i’ll let you know, because if you can survive that u can survive anything.

This account has been deactivated.

jess.vuon 0 #
An Unknown Location | 3 years, 7 months ago (2 weeks, 3 days after post)

To coco, Thats..really hard i must imagine. but im glad you guys are together and you guys are both putting effort to make it work. To update you on my situation, I’ve.. been clingy and pretty throwing myself all over him, sad to say. But after a few days of thinking , with much confusion and not knowing what to do, i decided why am i putting myself through this? Its pretty clear he doesnt want to be with me no more. Turns out he was with me at the end for pity, so i told him i wouldnt try to be his girlfriend no more, and id leave him alone. and that was that, until one day he called me and wanted to try to work things out. He told me he decided he would be nicer too. Even with him being nice, it still wasnt the same.He also wouldnt tell me why he wanted to get back with me. Isnt that ridiculous? He wouldnt tell me , yet its me we were both talking about! anyway, so getting back together, he still didnt have the effort to call, message or try to talk to me. He would still give one word answers, without even asking how my day was.He would only call after a day or two of no contact. I cant handle a relationship so restricted like that, so i just told him i couldnt do this. I’d rather be..friends. He says he loves , cares and is still here for me but i guess not in the boyfriend way. So a few days ago, he came over for an errand and we sat in silence for the first 20 minutes not knowing what to say, he said he just cant be with anyone. no one, not even me or himself would make him happy. So the best for the both of us would be atleast for me to be happy. and with how much hes changed, hes turned into an ******* type of guy, from being THE nicest guy ever, so his words were very harsh.. he also went on to tell me he cant be with me because of my flaws. my flaws are too big and then he went on to tell me about the kind of girl he wants. which is basicaly everything im not. it was sad but after sometime thinking to myself, i thought if he cant handle me at my worst, why should i be with him? Also, he even told me he’s giving me less then what he has ever before, so why settle for less? Its sad that everything is only memories now , but sometimes the only thing is to end it, even as much as you want it work.Thanks alot coco, for telling me your story. I appreciate it , it probably hurt telling it.But im really glad..As long as it takes two, it will work out. =)

To coco, Thats..really hard i must imagine. but im glad you guys are together and you guys are both putting effort to make it work. To update you on my situation, I've.. been clingy and pretty throwing myself all over him, sad to say. But after a few days of thinking , with much confusion and not knowing what to do, i decided why am i putting myself through this? Its pretty clear he doesnt want to be with me no more. Turns out he was with me at the end for pity, so i told him i wouldnt try to be his girlfriend no more, and id leave him alone. and that was that, until one day he called me and wanted to try to work things out. He told me he decided he would be nicer too. Even with him being nice, it still wasnt the same.He also wouldnt tell me why he wanted to get back with me. Isnt that ridiculous? He wouldnt tell me , yet its me we were both talking about! anyway, so getting back together, he still didnt have the effort to call, message or try to talk to me. He would still give one word answers, without even asking how my day was.He would only call after a day or two of no contact. I cant handle a relationship so restricted like that, so i just told him i couldnt do this. I'd rather be..friends. He says he loves , cares and is still here for me but i guess not in the boyfriend way. So a few days ago, he came over for an errand and we sat in silence for the first 20 minutes not knowing what to say, he said he just cant be with anyone. no one, not even me or himself would make him happy. So the best for the both of us would be atleast for me to be happy. and with how much hes changed, hes turned into an ******* type of guy, from being THE nicest guy ever, so his words were very harsh.. he also went on to tell me he cant be with me because of my flaws. my flaws are too big and then he went on to tell me about the kind of girl he wants. which is basicaly everything im not. it was sad but after sometime thinking to myself, i thought if he cant handle me at my worst, why should i be with him? Also, he even told me he's giving me less then what he has ever before, so why settle for less? Its sad that everything is only memories now , but sometimes the only thing is to end it, even as much as you want it work.Thanks alot coco, for telling me your story. I appreciate it , it probably hurt telling it.But im really glad..As long as it takes two, it will work out. =)

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