Adoption help: Adopted child with so many issues, anyone else? - Help.com

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FAS will be a huge problem for judgment in the future.

But for the other issues, he needs to learn coping skills for his anxiety.

Anxiety causes fight/flight. His rages are his way of dealing with sensations of anxiety. He needs to learn coping skills to deal with them directly. He has to start placing time between feeling & reaction, time that he will use to breathe, evaluate the anxious sensation he has, and reduce them through breathing, empathy, developing options.

I realize it is difficult to deal with these kids. I spent a bare few hours trying to show one how to use a flight simulator. I nearly lost my mind.

I’d like to congratulate you on adopting a child, particularly one with such challenges. I greatly admire people who focus on others vs. genetic selfishness.

kids need boundaries, and consequences for their actions. does he have these? dont give in to him and let him rule the roost. when he is violent, put him in his room.
if he smashes it up, then so be it. he then has nothing in his room.
ignore him till he calms down.
reward his GOOD behaviour, and ignore everything else.
this doesnt mean let him get away with it, it means you dont reward him with attention for it. once he has calmed down, then you explain the consequences.
also an anger management course will be helpful. he needs an expert to teach him how to control his rage, or a healthy outlet, maybe get him into sport, like boxing or something, where he can work it out.
he obviously has some real issues, and is angry at someone, he just doesnt know how to control that anger or how to let it out appropriately because hes never been taught how. it will take a lot of time. but its worth sticking with.