Okay.
I have a cutting problem. But today, while my mom was ‘firmly’ talking to me about how I didn’t get my planner signed and stuff, she said it was rude not to look her in the eye. So, realising this, I turned and looked at her Face, but not her EYES. Which she noticed, and pointed out again with a bit more vehemence.
I told her I have a problem with looking people in the eye, and she went on about how it’s a form of respect and blah blah blah…Truth is, I haven’t been able to look anyone dead in the eye for more then a few seconds for the last two years. My step dad would always get in my face and yell, so that was why. Hell, he caused us to travel cross-country to get away from him..–And that’s a different story. But it’s been two years since that whole ordeal…Shouldn’t I be over it?
And then there’s this. I want to tell her that I’m tired of feeling the way I do. Depressed and always worrying about something. It’s impossible. And the only time I seem to be able to get a small break is when I cut. And DON’T tell me to try other activities! I work out, I write, I do photography and art in my spair time, and I’m in drama and choir. But you know what? It’s starting to all mesh together.Seriously. Ever day just is…I don’t know. But It didn’t use to be like this.
I’m always anxious and worrying about something, and lately it’s had me in the brink of tears…And I NEVER cry. As it has been so kindly noticed by some friends and, one imparticular, said, “You don’t show any other emotion besides being happy, and on accasion agrivation.” And it’s not like it’s not true. I don’t like people knowing how I feel. It scares me–It was just how I was raised.
And then comes THIS. I’m scared to tell my mom, because I don’t even know WHAT to tell her! But I know that I want help with SOMETHING because I’m sick and tired of feeling this way! I’m tired of always having to put up a front because I feel like screaming and hitting things when the anxiety hits. And I’m tired of having to hide the scars. I’m tired of thinking that I want to die. I’m sick of it because there is no REASON for it! I’m a fifteen year old high school student with normal problems–Why am I feeling this way and acting as such!?
I want to tell my mom. But then I stop and think that, What could she do anyway? Nothing. She can’t help with the way I feel because talking doesn’t do anything, and she’s the kind of person that will tell me to suck it up. I came clean with the anxiety thing a year ago and she brushed me off saying that I could handle it and it’s nothing.What am I suppose to DO? And even if I DID tell her, how COULD I?
Anything would be helpful here..And I know there’s going to be those smart ***** that will comment on this but..Oh well..
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