confused help: Hi, - Help.com

Hi,

I’ve never posted anything before. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship with some one I wanted to grow old with. I guess i should take you back to the begining of all this. When we first met he was a typical party guy. I was a bartender so it was nice ot not have a guy who showed up at my job analyzing everything i did because he had his own social circut. Well, 6 months into the relationship, the bartending thing got old for him and he said he’d rather i had an office job. Long story short i quit bartending and struggled to find an office job. There are a million other examples of aspects of my lifestyle i changed to appease him, in just the first year, but i felt as if nothing i would do was good enough. He never said that, its just how i felt. Anytime we were invited somewhere, he would show up with me and then go talk to everyone else for the rest of the night. It was lonely to stand in a corner because he rewally didn’t introduce me to anyone and i’m really shy outside of friends and family. The exscuse I got was that we lived together and saw each other everyday so he didn’t feel that he need to give me any attention when we were out. And yes, we did live together, but it because of our work schedules and the fact that he always had plans the do something with this friends, it was more like co-existing. Slowly, things started to change. He would become obsessed with different hobbies that would takew up all of his free time so he was really only home toeat, shower, and sleep. Events became guys only, he wouldn’t pick up the phone if I called, he wouldn’t give me a time that he’d be home or call if it was after 3am or 4am and he wasn’t home yet. Soon after that people would ask why i didn’t go to the party or whatever event and I’d tell them what he told me that it was guys only. Some of them would tell me the truth that it wasn’t guys only. Others would just look at me and say “Oh”. Either way this continued for about 3 years sparking variuous tear filled arguments. While all of this was going on he would tell me i needed to do stuff i liked, i needed to get some friends, and i’m wasting my time sitting at home. Our entire relatioship he made almost every descision based on what was best for him rather than what would work for us and didn’t care about my imput on things like moving into a new apartment and what vacations to go on. I would keep it all inside for months and then just explode about it all when we would fight. All he wanted to do when I would argue with him about it was say that he was doing what he wanted to do, say i have no drive, that i just stay home all the time, and that he wanted to break up with me. I would cry, some times even beg him, and we would stay together. Everything would be fine for 2 or 3 months and then go back to the same way it was before. I tried to think of everything i could to change myself so i didn’t nag him or get mad at these things. I would plan special things like dinners and get concert tickets but he would invite all of his friends. It felt like he didn’t want to spend any time with me and like it was hard for him to have alone time with me. I planned a vaction which we faught on because all he wanted to do was drink when we were at a theme park instead of enjoying the day. I would pay for everything when we went out and would even let him “borrow” money to go out. Half way through year 2 i lost my job and things got really bad. We didn’t have any money and couldn’t go out. It didn’t stop him though. He would go to his friends band practice or to his friends houses and again not call or have guys only events. He was layed off of work and was at the bar everyday “loooking for a job”. He went back to work with a friend but he was always at the bar. After 3 1/2 years of this dealing kind of behavior he opened his buisness and started hanging out at home, but he always had people over or always had meetings at the bar. Eventually he had no tme to go out because he was always working but again he never made time for me. “I don’t have time for myself why should i make time for you?” is what he would say. I get really hurt when h would say things like this. Well 6 months ago a friend split with his girlfriend and was calling my guy because he needed a friend. After 2 months of hanging out with the single guys he wanted the same ting and boke up with me. I was a wreck for a month and then got in touch with some one i went ot high school with and started chatting on facebook. we exchanged numbers and began texting. this all happened over the course of 3 days and was completely innocent. Once my boyfriend found out someone was interested, he retracted the break up. He was sugar sweet doing things that I always wanted him to before but it didn’t feel right. Didn’t seem geniuine, it was more like he was just going through the motions of what he should do rather than doing these things because he really wanted to. I, the other hand, walked around with a sense of entitlement and all of my patience and understanding for him went out of the window. I would say things like “You left me once you can do it agian”. I was mean because i was still hurt. I was angry with him for leaving, it felt like he abandoned me, and i took that out on him. I wanted him to feel just as badly as i had our entire relationship. I realize that was wrong and that i should have just started over with him anbd tried to forget the past. I don’t want anyone to think I was a complete angel in all of this becasue i made mistakes too. I’m not perfect, far from it actually. Well, he was angry at my new friend and made me choose. Awhile before that my friend told me he was into me but wouldn’t persue me until i had my own place.My boyfriend saw that text message because he had been reading my emails and texts and looking up my phone log on line. I told my friend I had to say goodbye and didn’t speak to him again. My boyfriend kept asking me about that text and i left out the persue part several times. In other words I lied about the message. That was wrong but i didn’t want my friend to come up in conversation anymore because i was already so angry that he made me choose. It felt like he was trying to control me. One night things escolated and got alittle physical. I ran away from my home but went back later that night. I couldn’t get that image oput of my head or the repore we had developed and I struggled with what to do. I was so depressed but i finally told him what was wrong. I decided that we may need a break. He agreed. Now at the end of the month we are both moving into seperate homes, dividing 5 years worth of memories and objects. I’m so lost and now i feel worse than i dod when i was thinking about hte break up. I think I made a mistake . Does anyone have any advice on how i can rectify this? I miss him and I don’t want either of us to leave. I love him so much it hurts sometimes and I think I completely screwed this up. I’m sorry this is so long I just needed to let it all out. Thanks for listening.

Hi,

I’ve never posted anything before. I recently got out of a 5 year relationship with some one I wanted to grow old with. I guess i should take you back to the begining of all this. When we first met he was a typical party guy. I was a bartender so it was nice ot not have a guy who showed up at my job analyzing everything i did because he had his own social circut. Well, 6 months into the relationship, the bartending thing got old for him and he said he’d rather i had an office job. Long story short i quit bartending and struggled to find an office job. There are a tons of other examples of aspects of my lifestyle i changed to appease him, in just the first year, but i felt as if nothing i would do was good enough. He never said that, its just how i felt. Anytime we were invited somewhere, he would show up with me and then go talk to everyone else for the rest of the night. It was lonely to stand in a corner because he really didn’t introduce me to anyone and i’m really shy outside of friends and family. The exscuse I got was that we lived together and saw each other everyday so he didn’t feel that he need to give me any attention when we were out. And yes, we did live together, but because of our work schedules and the fact that he always had plans the do something with this friends, it was more like co-existing. Slowly, things started to change. He would become obsessed with different hobbies that would take up all of his free time so he was really only home to eat, shower, and sleep. Events became guys only and he wouldn’t pick up the phone if I called, he wouldn’t answer my texts, he wouldn’t give me a time that he’d be home or call if it was after 3am or 4am and he wasn’t going to be home yet. Soon after that people would ask why i didn’t go to the party or whatever event was happening and I’d tell them what he told me that it was guys only. Some of them would tell me the truth that it wasn’t guys only and that he was talking ot girls we knew all night. Others would just look at me and say “Oh”, but i knew that they just didn’t want to get invovled or were protecting him. Either way this continued for about 3 years sparking various tear filled arguments. While all of this was going on he would tell me i needed to do stuff i liked, i needed to get some friends, and i’m wasting my time sitting at home. Our entire relationship he made almost every descision based on what was best for him rather than what would work for us and didn’t care about my imput on things like moving into a new apartment(which we did 5 times in 5 years)and what vacations to go on. I would keep it all inside for months and then just explode about it all when we would fight. All he wanted to do when I would argue with him about it was say that he was doing what he wanted to do, say i have no drive, that i just stay home all the time, and that he wanted to break up with me. I would cry, some times even beg him, and we would stay together. Everything would be fine for 2 or 3 months and then go back to the same way it was before. I tried to think of everything i could to change myself so i didn’t nag him or get mad at these things. I would plan special things like dinners and get concert tickets for us to spend time together alone but he would invite all of his friends or be on the phone most of the night. It felt like he didn’t want to spend any time with me and like it was hard for him to have alone time with me. I planed a vaction which we faught on because all he wanted to do was drink when we were at a theme park instead of enjoying the day. I would pay for everything when we went out and would even let him “borrow” money to go out. Half way through year 2 i lost my job and things got really bad. We didn’t have any money and couldn’t go out. It didn’t stop him though. He would go to his friends band practices or to his friends houses and again not call or have guys only events. He was layed off of work after i found a job and was at the bar everyday “loooking for a job”. He went back to work with a friend but again he was always at the bar. After 3 1/2 years of this dealing kind of behavior he opened his buisness and started hanging out at home, but he always had people over or always had meetings at the bar. Eventually he had no tme to go out because he was always working but again he never made time for me. “I don’t have time for myself why should i make time for you?” is what he would say. I get really hurt when he would say things like this. Well 6 months ago a friend split with his girlfriend and was calling my guy because he needed a friend. After 2 months of hanging out with the single guys he wanted the same thing and broke up with me. He said I was the reason he was always at the bar and always drunk. He said i was so nice ans sweet and the best girlfriend he’s ever had but he was being selfish just keeping me around and he wanted to be alone. I was a wreck for a month and then got in touch with some one i went ot high school with and started chatting on facebook. we exchanged numbers and began texting. this all happened over the course of 3 days and was completely innocent. Once my boyfriend found out someone was interested, he retracted the break up. He was sugar sweet doing things that I always wanted him to before but it didn’t feel right. Didn’t seem geniuine, it was more like he was just going through the motions of what he should do rather than doing these things because he really wanted to. I, on the other hand, walked around with a sense of entitlement and all of my patience and understanding for him went out of the window. I would say things like “You left me once you can do it again”. I was mean because i was still hurt. I was angry with him for leaving, it felt like he abandoned me, and i took that out on him. I wanted him to feel just as badly as i had our entire relationship. I realize that was wrong and that i should have just started over with him and tried to forget the past. I don’t want anyone to think I was a complete angel in all of this because i made mistakes too. I’m not perfect, far from it actually. Well, he was angry at my new friend and made me choose. Awhile before that my friend sent me a text to tell me he was into me but wouldn’t persue me until i had my own place. We weren’t even together when my friend sent me that text. My boyfriend saw that text message because he had been reading my emails and texts and looking up my phone log on line. I told my friend I had to say goodbye and didn’t speak to him again. My boyfriend kept asking me about that text and i left out the persue part several times. In other words I lied about the message. That was wrong but i didn’t want my friend to come up in conversation anymore because i was already so angry that he made me choose. It felt like he was trying to control me. One night things escolated and got alittle physical. I ran away from my home but went back later that night. I couldn’t get that image of what happened that night out of my head or the repore we had developed and I struggled with what to do. I was so depressed but i finally told him what was wrong. I decided that we may need a break. He agreed. Now at the end of the month we are both moving into seperate homes, dividing 5 years worth of memories and objects. I’m so lost and now i feel worse than i did when i was thinking about the break up. I think I made a mistake. Does anyone have any advice on how i can rectify this? I know we have problems but i think we can work on them and its not b ad all the time. He really did realize that he wasn’t being fair to me. I miss him and I don’t want either of us to leave. I love him so much it hurts sometimes and I think I completely screwed this up. I’m sorry this is so long I just needed to let it all out. Thanks for listening.