Love help: how do i go about learning to love myself? - Help.com

what about a woman brings you joy?

her being there. i just want her to tell me that she needs me . i want to be wanted. i know that this is not a good thing as i cant keep a woman for very long because i smother them. i just dont know what to do. i dont have any hobbies nor do i want to find any. i just want to spend all my time with the woman i love. i am killing every relationship i have because i love them so much. dose that even make sense?

Yes, I understand this, and yes your codependent nature will push you away from any normal woman - it’s good you know that. How to love yourself. When you have love for a woman, another way to put that is you hold her in high esteem. So what you need to work on is how hold yourself in high (self) esteem. So, tell me what are you good at? Self esteem is largely based on how we feel about ourselves when we like what do or what we are. Some of what blocks self esteem, is our hidden, denied feelings about ourself. I mean sometime, back in our childhood, someone may have said… “Oh, stop bragging about yourself”… or you might have been called arrogant because you took what someone else thought was too much pride in what you did. People that hide their esteem or pride, tend to overcompensate with humility, and the only love they feel comes from another. But as you’ve found out that love is transient / temporary. So, I’ll ask again - what are you good at?

I strongly recommend Mindfulness Meditation by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Get a copy. Order the CDs online and do the meditation. Also, if you can find a good teacher near you, get into a Mindfulness Meditation class. This may sound weird to you, but the only way that I know of to learn to accept yourself is to begin to pay closer attention to yourself, but in a positive way. Meanwhile, you will keep pushing those you love away because you feel too needy to them. You are asking them to do your job with yourself. As soon as you are more centered and responsible for yourself you will be far more attractive to women. We are NOT looking for a man to take care of! We are looking for a calm, self-assured, assertive (not aggressive but also not passive) man. Mmmm. Sounds yummy to me.

i don’t even know anymore. i have spent much time on the road working and all i did for years was just working and drinking. a sad life. now i found a woman i feel i cant live without and it turns out that im gonna need to live without her or die. now i don’t really wanna die though i do feel like it sometimes.i feel incomplete even when she is around. i don’t know what i like anymore or what im good at. my life is boring and im broke. when i write, its all just gibberish. i cant keep my mind from wandering. she makes me feel like i have a reason to be here. i will do anything she asks of me . i just wanna be able to be whoever it is that i am and i cant find that person. i gotta go for now but thanks for trying. i might come back l8r. bye for now

Well… you’re not thinking very hard right now, because you are lost in grief, perhaps even prematurely. You might give KJ’s advice a go. I’m not familiar with this particular process, but it sounds pretty cool! And she’s clearly right about a woman’s perspective. And even if you loose this one too, this is the perfect opportunity for you to discover yourself.

It takes great courage to find that “whoever I am” but the rewards for doing it are so, so great. In our culture we hide our deepest feelings from ourselves, particularly the painful ones. Right now you are experiencing an extremely painful emotion. There will be a great drive in you to hide from this, to medicate it (ie. drinking), etc. If you can be brave enough to feel it deeply, relief will come. This is not a quick-fix. But through this grief you will begin to discover that “whoever I am” that you are. And that person will be much more attractive to a woman than the fake person we all become when we deny our feelings and our true self. There is no judgment here. I have struggled myself to overcome great relationship difficulties. Now I’m developing a very liberating relationship with myself and Mindfulness Meditation has been a huge help. Check out the walking meditation which may be the easiest to start with. If you haven’t meditated before this is a great place to begin. Please don’t hide yourself away too much from people who will support you. If your family is no help to you, think about friends who have been good to you. Just sitting with a good friend quietly for awhile may be exactly what you need right now. Best wishes…

How to Learn to Love Yourself

Some days, it’s impossible to look in the mirror and see anything that you like. It is so easy to start criticizing yourself. This negative thinking can affect your entire life. Start loving who you are with these steps.

Step 1

Go to a mirror and take a look at yourself. Find one thing that you like about yourself. It doesn’t matter what it is. Good skin, nice smile, great hair. It can even be something as tiny as great shaped eyebrows. Just find something that you can be positive about.

Step 2

Hold on to that one positive thing. The next time you think a negative thought about yourself, stop and remind yourself that you do have something about yourself that is great.

Step 3

Find something else about yourself that you like. It doesn’t matter what it is, it just has to be something positive. Again, use these positive things to cancel out the negative. It doesn’t have to be something positive physically either. Doing something good at work, a favor for a friend, handling a difficult situation well all counts as something positive.

Step 4

Treat yourself when you come up with something positive about yourself. Take time to pamper yourself or pick up a special treat just for yourself. Create a positive attitude in yourself.

Step 5

Continue to reinforce this positive thinking. Negative thoughts are as much of a habit as positive ones. So your creating a new way of thinking about yourself. Continue and repeat the steps of find something positive about yourself and reinforcing them when negative thoughts creep in.

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Try writing down all your positive things down. This will be a way of remind yourself of the positive on a bad day when you simply can remember the positive.

When you’re up to it, check out the following web site.

www.mindfulnesscds.com/author.html

If you seek a magic solution I’m afraid you’ll continue as you are. You are not alone. This is a culture full of people struggling just like you are. Join those of us who are learning to be good to ourselves. It is a process and this is a good place to begin.
Be well…