depression help: (warning this will be very, very long, even though i’m trying not to say too much in case someone I know finds this) - Help.com

(warning this will be very, very long, even though i’m trying not to say too much in case someone I know finds this)

I’ve been through a lot in my life, almost every single bad thing imaginable has happened to me.

I’ve tried to stay positive but there’s only so much a mind can take before it becomes this fed up. (In chronological order) I have lost 7 years of my memory and my mother won’t tell me why because she’s scared i’ll remember, I was hit a lot by a drunken step dad in a place we used to live in (that I know idialize even though I never enjoyed being there), I dealt with having my possesions and identity stolen from me (took ages to get it back and now I’m under a different name because I can’t legally change it back without a serious amount of paperwork), I have been bullied, assaulted, seen my little sister dragged away screaming by her parent (who swore we’d never see her again and has been true to this so far), dealt with panic attacks brought on by acts of aggression (by other people, from this point I began to realise that it’s actually physically impossible for me get angry or hate anyone but i’m still trying to figure out why).

I don’t think of myself as a bad person (unless I’m upset or have genuinely done something wrong, even if it’s by accident, or wasnt me and someone just blamed it on me) but I find myself detached from the rest of the world, a man I supposedly met but don’t remember, commited suicide, it broke a friend of mine into pieces but I didn’t feel a thing. I’ve seen photographs of him but no matter how hard I try I just don’t remember and I don’t feel anything.

Maybe it’s because I’ve always been alone that I’m detached, i’ve had family but there seems to be getting less and less of them as time passes by and people move away or, in some cases, are forcibly removed. I’ve had friends but i never seem to make more than a small few and even then I don’t trust them. I’ve never trusted anyone really. I’ve never had a boyfriend, god knows I need one.

The only person I have ever even felt emotion for is my little sister, and I dont remember us getting along very well, we’d play together occasionally but I feel like i missed out on something because I don’t remember her entering the world and growing up, but now she’s gone it feels as if she was my link to humanity, the one who brought me back to earth when I couldn’t bear it. And everbody always wants to talk about it except the one person who matters, mum, but she of course must hurt more than me, even if she doesn’t show it, or even mention her anymore.

And then theres the big thoughts, I think about death sometimes, but i try to drag my mind away because it scares the hell outta me and can actually cause me to pass out via panic attack (not fun, wrap a rubber band around your neck, put salt in your eyes, bring up every worst memory, jolt your heart up until it hurts, convince yourself you’re going to die and then you too can experience this. Just in case you’ve never had one, thats what it’s like) I can’t talk about that with anyone, I did once talk to a friend a long time ago, i’ve always been afraid that I ruined her life by making her think about it. I felt like a cruel person that day, making her upset so I could feel better.

Almost everything I do feels like a mistake until someone says otherwise, I followed in my mothers footsteps and became a sculptor although our styles are different and I know she doesn’t like my work, even when she says it’s okay. If someone blames me for something, even if i didnt do it, i sort it out and stand there nodding while someone tells me not to do things I dont do. I know with 100% certainty this will feel like a mistake afterwords.

I don’t know what this is, make of it what you will, offer comments if you think you can enlighten me to something I’m missing here. But answer me this:
Why is it, after all i’ve been through, the smallest, insignificant things hurt the most?

This open post was written 1 month, 1 week ago | V/U/S: 35, 2, 1 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

depression, Problems, loneliness (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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