I don’t have many friends.
I can be a bit of a closed book. The funny thing is, there are moments where I’m dying to open up - just a little. It all depends on my mood. Which is highly changeable.
I’m scared of getting close to people to be honest. I don’t feel like I’ve got enough to give. I feel empty. A shell. I’m scared of disappointing and of being rejected. I don’t know…
I always seem to push people away and isolate myself. Even people on the internet who somehow take notice of my existence even though I’m anonymous. I ******* hate it because being alone isn’t very…nice. I sabotage it without fail and I can’t seem to stop. Maybe I prefer being alone because it’s safer.
So there’s this friend - one of my few friends - and because I don’t have many to cling to, I think that I’m projecting all of these feelings onto this person. I don’t know if it’s love. I don’t think so. But it still hurts that this person wouldn’t think of me in the same way because this person is straight (pretty sure), and I’m bi and no-one knows and all that crap.
It’s just that this person may be the only person to get close to really knowing ME. Or something that may be me.
Oh and because I feel this way, it makes simple things like being near “this person” or even hugging “this person” hard. That’s just the way I am and I detest it. I shy away from contact for some reason. Why why why?
Every time our eyes have met, every time “that person” has touched me - even though they are small things, they manage to stop me in my tracks and it remains seared into my memory. Such tiny, meaningless things. Not to me though.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t think I’m really looking for help because there’s only so much you lovely people at help.com can do. I’m probably seeking sympathy. That’s right :P
It does tell you to post your rants after all.
Thanks for reading if you got this far. If I ever meet you, I’ll get you a cookie or a beer or something.
Since writing this post ZeroSum may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. ZeroSum is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 8 months and has 7 posts and 327 replies to their name.
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