depression help: I work a job that has me living hand to mouth and too exhausted to get a second job. - Help.com

I work a job that has me living hand to mouth and too exhausted to get a second job.

I have debt in the double digits. I only have an associates degree. I feel like every year I’m getting more and more stupid and forgetting the things I once knew, and am failing at picking up any new knowledge or skills. I’ve been struggling so hard to survive and just keep breathing, and I don’t have any ambition or skillset to get myself out the this hole I’ve dug for myself. I know I should go back to school, but how can I when I’m on the cusp of being evicted or the lights shut off on a monthly basis. And I’ve shot myself in the foot at work with the new Executive Director because one year ago I typed up a budget report for myself using my inside voice and immediately forgot about it. Everything that my director has been training me to do over the past seven years is completely out the window with this new ED, and her expectation that I am my Director in his absence. Every day I have a conversation with myself about why killing myself would be a dumb and pathetic thing to do. But I am apparently completely incompetent, and the one person who gave me any sense of self-worth is being thrown under the bus along with me. The things I will need to do in order to keep this job require me to have ambition and teach and do and be all these things that I know I am not and never will be good at. I know this because I have tried repeatedly and have been humiliated in the trying. I need to complete my degree to keep my job, but I can’t afford to, what with living hand to mouth, having high debt, and I don’t even know at this point if I want to stay in my current field. But I can’t even begin to choose. My health insurance is so pathetic that I can’t afford to go the doctor, let alone a therapist.

When do I run out of excuses and get my act together? When do I run out of excuses and accept that I’m not fit for human consumption, and take myself off the shelf?

The worst part of it is that this isn’t a sympathetic rant. Everything bad in my life is because of me, and I don’t deserve empathy or support. And I’m trying to not make a burden of myself, but I am, and I know I will never be able to repay what little help I’ve had. I don’t want to lean on those that I do know, because I don’t want to make them emotional hostages.

This open post was written 1 month, 2 weeks ago | V/U/S: 119, 10, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

depression, job, self-worth (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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