Hello, I was told to come to this site by a friend who thought it would help me.
Starting the first of janary this year I started going out with a guy called Staurt. He was completely head over heels for me but I never thought I was good enough for him and thought he deserved better. I constantly tried to persuade him to go find someone better, but he woudldn’t listen. I went out with him because I liked him, and I started to love him. I’ve never felt that before and it scared me, I didn’t know what to do, I’ve never been dependant on someone before and that I was relying on him just to be there for me and with me so much was terrifying. We’d beem going out for a few months when we had an argument. I was bored and he was off doing something so I went on his computer and I found some emails to his old girlfriend. In them he was telling her he wanted her back, that he wasn’t happy with me. I was taken completely off guard and sat in the corner of his room for about an hour. He realised I’d found them and he tried to apologise but I couldn’t listen to him. I left his house and we didn’t talk much for a bit. After a few weeks I went back again and I found he’d been self harming, along his arm and his chest with some blade of some sorts. He tried to explain why he sent the emails again and he said that he was drunk and upset, because he loved me and didn’t want to go out with anybody other than me and thought I felt different. At that point we’d started revision for exams so we saw less of each other. During this time I was getting increasing paranoid with Stuart’s old girlfriend. She’d taken to forwarding me copies of her and his conversations on msn. I’m not sure whether she was trying to provoke me to break up with him, just trying to help things between him and me or just trying to upset me.
Eventually it got to a point when I couldn’t stand it any longer. I loved him but I couldn’t live with the three way relationship with his old girlfriend. Before the summer started I broke up with him. Despite this we still carried on seeing each other throughout the holiiday. I couldn’t be away from him for too long, it felt like I was broken or soemthing. I was still insistent that we were not dating, I thought that when we got to sixth form he’d find someone perfect for him who would love him more than I did and who would be better for him in every respect, somebody who would not hurt him or lead to him hurting himself.
Sixth form started in September and I met all my old friends from other schools again. One particular friend of mine I’d grown up with. Her name is Kitty. We pretty much carried on from where we’d left off 5 years ago. Around about the third week, Stuart had met Kitty and they hit off. I was unsure how to react to this, she’d been one of my best friends since I was 6 but I thought that seeing as she knew that I still loved him she wouldn’t try anything. I was wrong. Stuart and her started going out on the tenth october. I had no idea how to behave around them. She was my friend and I loved stuart. I wanted them to be happy so I pretended to them that I was okay with it. Every break I had during school I couldn’t face seeing them together so I walked off often with one close friend who understood the situation. Her and I just talked and sometimes I cried out of sheer desperation. I found that some painkillers I could buy from a close shop helped me to cope a bit so I started buying them on a regular basis. I checked out websites to avoid overdosing but sometimes I just had to forget everything that was happening and I took more than I should have. It’s been five days since they’d started going out, I’ve taken so many pills, I barely eat, I’ve tried to but I can’t keep it down, and I can’t sleep. My work atandard is dropping and my friends are concerned about me but none of them realise the extent I’ve gone to. I want Kitty and Stuart to be together because it makes them so happy but I can’t stop feeling helpless in this situation.
Last night was the fresher’s ball and Stuart, Kitty, a friend and I went but left early and started walking around town a bit, drinking. I’d been drunk plenty of times before but never to that extent, and never when I was I sad. I ended up completey drunk and crying on an off talking about how kitty and staurt have together no matter what I do. My friend was concerned and tried to lead me home. There’s a bridge over a river halfway to where I live and it was about midnight with nobody around. My friend got a phonecall and I walked onto the bridge. I tried to climb over the side because I wanted everything to stop, I can’t deal with the pain from seeing my best friend with the person I love, I don’t know what to do. My friend spotted me and stopped me, he led me back and I guess I’m always going to be grateful for that. Before I’ve always been incredibly naive and judgemental of people who’ve gone to extremes like self-harming and suicide attempts assuming that they’re cowardly or just unable to face their situations. I would never self harm or commit suicide because it would hurt too many people, but I’m scared that I’m slowly losing it. I don’t know what to do anymore, Kitty and Stuart are happy together, if they broke up then they’d be miserable, and I wouldn’t be able to cope with seeing that and the guilt that it was because of me, but I can’t stand seeing them together either.
I’m sorry that this is such a long post, I just have to tell someone or else I don’t know what will happen. If you can, please just give some advice on what I should do, please. You have no idea how much I would appreciate it at the moment. Thankyou, so much.
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