Romance is not the solution. - Help.com

Pepper Jelly wrote:
Someone who is sincere and honest with themselves will realize that it is not what they want and will have the courage and foresight to move on before it becomes too complicated..

well said. Problem is, all evidence points to me being the insincere and honest one. It comes as one ***** rude surprise.

I upset her near the end. Not a big thing, just was being grumpy and thoughtless with my words. I was chatting to her and offered my apology, and she didn’t remember. Then went on to talk about other new and exciting things in her life. I’m really very cool with that - intellectually. I’m happy for her, just feeling like a tool for caring the guilt for the past year.

hmmmm :-\

dishonest.

only having yourself to blame - it really doesn’t help much, just means, well…

you only have yourself to blame.

****

SirTannen wrote:
I don’t quite understand…?

just talked to a lady that once loved me, but now does not.

makes me have these things called “feelings” - they are big, strange and uncomfortable.

that help it make sense? Do ask if you want to know, talking about it will do help me greatly.

burber wrote:
There is always something else that fits.

always? maybe…

burber wrote:
Take big feelings and stuff them down, fold them up small.

Could do, it’s a possibility for sure. Thought it doesn’t seem the best idea long term, and has nasty unexpected consequences.

I’ve instead
- made this post
- gone for a run
- fixed my motorbike
- done some uni work
- chatted to a mate about it
- eaten

I love to have some expression of it, like being able to write a song, paint a picture etc, but only rarely does it come.

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
whatever u do,do not blame urself it harms more than it helps….in fact it doesn’t help at all…
distract urself….
good luck :)

maybe ‘blame’ is to strong a word, I think it’s more about taking responsibility.
http://www.despair.com/dysfunction.html
distraction has been the focus of the last long long while, time to try something new.
thanks for the best wishes, I’m feeling low right now.

name with no face wrote:
life is unexpected and **** happens. there isn’t always rhyme or reason to it. and even if there is. the only meaning we ever take away from anything is the meaning we wish to believe is true, be it relevant and poignant, or mystically outlandish.

Its like looking at clouds. Whatever you believe the cloud to look like, it will appear to be so. I used to know a girl who would always see dragons in the clouds. no matter how far of a stretch, how not dragon like it was, she still saw a dragon(s), and vividly too. So look at you’re past (even if its yesterday or five minutes ago) as if it is a sky full of clouds, and make of it what you want.

bam. She remembers many other things we shared, and thanked me genuinely many times. was good. just being silly to get upset when something was more important to me than her. Upsetting her bothered me, but she quickly forgave me as she saw it in context and then moved on.

I see the clouds, on the descending green numbers ( matrix ref )

SirTannen wrote:
I would help but you seem to have plenty of helpers right now.

all help is welcome if it is freely offered.

got to head for 2 hours, but will be back to read any good advice you beautiful peoples have…
thanks

Pepper Jelly wrote:

Well, were the feelings that you had when you were together “big, strange, and uncomfortable?”

hmm, they were big, but not strange or uncomfortable. Love, affection, connection, kindness, empathy, hope - I know how to handle these.

Loneliness, loss, grief, abandonment, jealousy - these I’m not so good at.

I think the worst is the connection I still feel for her, when she is happily and successfully married to a great man.

Guess it just shoves home some painful truths.

Pepper Jelly wrote:
I would say that the intensity of the feelings during the ‘break up’ will rival the intensity of the ones during the relationship

Sorry, but it’s true :(

don’t understand what you are getting at, say again?

We parted on good terms, over a year ago. We were together for 18 months and most of that was good for both of us. She was very ready to marry, I was not - plus still grieving the end of a 10 year relationship. All in all, it was a win for both of us.

Just hurts to realise life isn’t all roses.

Pepper Jelly wrote:
Chunky, you need a hug. Too bad it has to be a ‘net hug

(((hug)))

thanks, hug gratefully received ,

Pepper Jelly wrote:
Chin up, you are awesome. You will find someone better in no time. I know it’s not what you want to hear….but you have to have the faith that it will happen. In the meantime, make yourself into someone who will be “the perfect man” for her….

hmm, you are right, not what I want to hear, but more because it doesn’t feel right.
I am awesome, in my own way, as most people are. I’m ok with that.
She was good for me then, and I am already with someone who isn’t “better” but better for me right now.
I put a lot of effort into being the perfect man ( long story with Freudian themes ) and it’s not my path anymore. I’ve had a few want to marry me, but I did want to be married. It’s me that I don’t want to lock in - I need to change, as there is lots about me I don’t like still.

hmm, I still loved them, and still love them - just don’t know how ( or brave enough ) to move into the dark woods.

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:

yes blame is too strong…
ur welcome in fact good wishing is all i can do…
feeling low…because s.o who u love doesn’t love u anymore….i assume time heals any injures,u need time 2 get over it…
may i ask what she said?!why doesn’t she love u anymore?!

thanks

The story seems silly now. My father ( who I was big time annoyed at ) kindly asked if I’d enjoyed christmas holidays. I had traveled interstate with partners family and had good time, but it was a sad time too, as I missed my long term love, mother, own family etc. I was annoy at my dad and stupidly said that I hadn’t had a good time. A week later she told me how upset this made her, as she thought we had had a good time. I was going through a dumb stage and didn’t apologise. this was towards the end of the relationship, but we handled it well otherwise. It was one of the few times she was upset with me, only time maybe.

a year passes, she is single for 6 months, dating for three months, married for three months to a truely great guy, that also suits her well.

Today she messaged me, and I brought it up and apolgiesed. silly maybe, but it was bugging me. I did have a good time with her and her family, and didn’t like the idea of her thinking otherwise. I said was just grumpy with my dad.

She said she didn’t remember it, but she did remember the grumpy.
ouch.
thats what hurt.

I was trying to deal with so much angst, but at the same time not letting it get me down.

do you think time solves things? I see that as too passive, taking credit away from the effort people put in. It’s true, time is needed, but so is talking to people. like you :-)

apolgising make you feel better? bam, hadn’t thought about that, but it surely can. I wanted to apologise, and I wanted her to accept it. I was hurt because she didn’t.

and flying is sweeeet.

thanks for the offer.

thing is, she isn’t at all angry. It’s not that she doesn’t forgive, it’s honestly that she doesn’t remember.
At the time, she was so sad about us breaking up, but I was cool with it. I comforted her by saying (and knowing )she’d be fine. A year on, I was right. Yay. No if I can just be that smart about my own angst.

Have you ever wanted to apologise about something to someone that didn’t even remember it?

just got to move on then. carrying guilt for no purpose.

I was hurt deaply very young, and I guess I still carry the vauge hope deep down of an apology. maybe letting go of that is a plan…

so why do you think you apologise more than most?

tangent rant…

I confronted my dad with a carefully laid out plan, explained the reasons why I was mad at him, and had been my whole life. He took it well, partly because he’s now a grown up. He offered to apologise, but I’d already said I didn’t want one. don’t quite know why. he then said he was proud of me - first time ever. I told him he had been a jerk, and he no respects me. last time I tried it, he hit me. was it because I am now bigger than him, or that he has grown up, or that I am no longer a threat. who knows ,letting go, moving on.

ahh apologies, what strange things they are.

end rant.

tng rant - doesn’t matter, just ignore it.

when you realise that the person you are worried about upsetting has completely forgotten it, are you able to let it go?

If they don’t mind, why carry the guilt? I know I still do, but can’t figure out why. would be nice to move on. I think it because I have an idea of myself, an image of who I am, and when I upset someone, it goes against that image.

or it could be that when I upset my parents, I got extreme punishments.