Everyone needs acceptance from their parents. It’s a basic emotional need. Do you think part of this skepticism from your mother could be derived from her sadness that you left? Maybe even jealousy?
Love, you oughta have a face to face talk with here with feelings shared and tears and all.
Explain to her exactly how you feel how she makes you feel and try to come to some sort of mutual understanding.
It wont be solved any other way.
:)
Keckers wrote:
Love, you oughta have a face to face talk with here with feelings shared and tears and all.
Explain to her exactly how you feel how she makes you feel and try to come to some sort of mutual understanding.
It wont be solved any other way.
:)
I have I told her that she makes me doubt myself. I told her that I just want her support that she doesnt have to understand what I do, but I would appreciate if she at least accepted it. and she still says she would say those things to anyone.
mz.mo edited this post 1 month, 2 weeks ago. Read the previous text »
I can’t get my mother to stop be negative about my life decisions.
I signed a lease for a new apartment today. When I called her excited, she doesnt even say congrads, just asks me if I am sure I can handle it/afford it/want to do it(mind you I am 25 and have lived on my own for 7 years excluding the last 4 months). A month ago I applied for a job I was really excited about, and all she could say is they dont provide insurance. I moved to Denver from South Dakota 4 months ago for more opportunities. I knew that if I stayed in SD I wouldn’t grow as a person or learn how to live my life better. She said she was worried that I wouldnt make friends. I saw her 2 weeks ago and when i said I miss my friends she said “oh you regret the move? Are you going to move back?” I dont understand why she cant be positive. I tell her the things she says hurts me, and they make me completely doubt myself. She said that shes a mother and she would say those things to any of her children. Its kinda a rant but I am at a loss at what to do. I want her to be proud of me and approve but I am reaching the point in which I wont share things with her because she is so negative about everything. Any input insight would be appreciated. I dont cry often but 99% of the time when I do it after a convo with her
mz.mo edited this post 1 month, 2 weeks ago. Read the previous text »
I can’t get my mother to stop being negative about my life decisions.
I signed a lease for a new apartment today. When I called her excited, she doesnt even say congrads, just asks me if I am sure I can handle it/afford it/want to do it(mind you I am 25 and have lived on my own for 7 years excluding the last 4 months). A month ago I applied for a job I was really excited about, and all she could say is they dont provide insurance. I moved to Denver from South Dakota 4 months ago for more opportunities. I knew that if I stayed in SD I wouldn’t grow as a person or learn how to live my life better. She said she was worried that I wouldnt make friends. I saw her 2 weeks ago and when i said I miss my friends she said “oh you regret the move? Are you going to move back?” I dont understand why she cant be positive. I tell her the things she says hurts me, and they make me completely doubt myself. She said that shes a mother and she would say those things to any of her children. Its kinda a rant but I am at a loss at what to do. I want her to be proud of me and approve but I am reaching the point in which I wont share things with her because she is so negative about everything. Any input insight would be appreciated. I dont cry often but 99% of the time when I do it after a convo with her
please dont get me wrong she is a loving person. I am lucky she cares. But we are just 2 different people and I have learned to accpect her. To bite my tongue if something I say/believe will hurt her feelings or make the situation awkward. I just want that same respect from her
maybe she IS that type of person, you know? have you noticed if she is like this with your brothers/sisters too? with other people?
but i do understand why it bothers you. my mum is kinda like that too but i guess not to that extent. the important thing is to keep in mind all the other times that you see how loving she is (which, i believe, is most of the time).
also, maybe you can look deeper into this. maybe she misses you and if she treats you this way you might come back? i’m not really sure. coz when i graduated and couldn’t find work, i started working for our family business instead. my mum loved it. then when i finally found work (a good company and pay if i may add), my mum was bashing it completely. to the point that it got me feeling down and insulted. then i just realized it’s because she wants me to contribute to the family business instead.
best of luck! :)
No she doesnt treat my sisters this way. she says she would, but my situation is different then theirs. And we’ve always had a bit of a strand relationship. I am the black sheep of my family. I am at the point where I dont tell her things so we dont fight. I want to have a relationship with her. But not if its going to make me lose all self awareness and worth.
In January my daughter moved back home with me due to life’s difficulties and in July she moved out just 6 doors down. I actually miss her company, knowing she is asleep in the next room. She had lived away from home for seven years. I am so proud of her. Yes, I worry all the time but I am pleased when she comes over for morning coffee or dinner. I admire you and your desire to grow and go as we all should. Mom will come around at some point in time. Don’t fret about her. You will make new friends (maybe through work?) and life will be wonderful. Denver is a nice place. I love the airport. Besides, your not that far from home. You can always have a nice long weekend and surprise your mom one of these days. You are a great age!EXPLORE!
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I think people misunderstood me somehwere. I havent lived at home or in the same state as here for 7 years. I went to college, had a life after college. Its not a matter of a new situation. Its a matter of her never agreeing with anything I do.
What I mean is don’t worry about your mom. She loves you, you her and she’ll get over your decisions being different from her own. I too am the black sheep. My father has not changed. He still disagrees with my decisions. Unfortunately he cannot do anything about it. I hope you will try and not let it get to you. Live and don’t worry too much. Beneath it all, she is very proud of you.
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some parents are just like this unfortunately =/. its their weird kind of misguided way of just wanting the best for you.
my dad is exactly like this, and very critical of my grades etc.
it really effed me up for a long time during my teens, until i finally realised, that what they say and want, ultimately doesnt matter if it isnt making you happy.
there comes a time where you just have to disregard what they say, and make the decision to not let it effect you anymore, otherwise they will forever be the monkey on your shoulder.
I in the end just had to say to my dad, if you dont have something nice and non critical to say-then im simply not going to tell you anything about my life anymore.
that woke him up a tad. so you could try that i spose!
My mom is in the exact situation as you and so I know your pain!! Its such a downer and you feel like you can do NOTHING to make her happy! My mom is the “black sheep” my grandmother has even agreed to that. I’m just going to tell you that you SHOULD NOT be put down by it! I know she’s your mother, we both know she loves you (even if sometimes it doesn’t seem like it) and you just need to tell yourself that its your life, NOT your mother’s. Just because its not what she wants, doesn’t mean that its not perfect for you. It sounds like you’re doing great so don’t be worried!! Hopefully she’ll come around to it eventually that you have flown the nest and if not than its her lose. Compare her life to yours (i.e. did she fly the nest??? were her parents disapproving?? ). SO many people go through the same thing you are going through, your mother just seems to want what’s best for you through her eyes, not necessarily what the truly best thing for you! Tell her (again, I know) that its your life and you know what’s best for you at this time in your life, and you know she misses you.
I wish you the best of luck, REMEMBER… live the life YOU want to live :)
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well at this point its just avoidance. She had my father call me today, trying to tell me I cant afford it. I am signing the lease this weekend. I guess if she wants to continue to act this way then she wont be coming over. I am just over it. She isnt going to change, and I would never ask her too. An yet I know next time we talk she’ll act like nothing ever happened, like she always does. But I am not longer going to take it. and no her parents weren’t disapproving. She was an ideal child/adult. As are my sisters. But she raised me to me an individual so if she pissed she only has herself to blame.
i think that its b/c maybe she just dont want to let you go. she see’s that you can make it on your own and w/o her. and that may scare her so she brings you down hopeing it will make you cmoe back. my father is the same way. instead of being happy for me he wants me to stay w/ him and my step mom 4 ever. but its your life you have to live your life. she has already lived hers now its time for you to live yours…… and have fun doing it. you only have one chance so make no regrets
woo, thats the sprit!
i think you should mention this to her, taht this is why shes not invited over etc, do give her a chance to change, although it seems blaringly obvious and retarded, she might not realise what shes doing, or how its affecting you.
just make it clear that if she cant be supportive, she cant be in your life.
and have fun enjoying the freedom of not being judged lol
mz mo, please read the book “toxic parents” by Susan Forward, youll be glad you did. Answers to this situation can be inligtening to say the least…
I know how you feel…
Dan
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASI…
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Mothers will always be just that, mothers. I have one just like yours. I let her know of some exciting event in my life and she finds ways to make everything come crashing down. After all the s**t I have been through with her, I have to say it’s much easier just to stop wishing for her acceptance and move on with what makes you happy. If she can’t willingly give you what you need, begging for it will have no effect. Please trust me, I have nearly 28 years of experience on this subject…
all you can be is you.i am a mother and we try to run our kids life.we want better then what we had.but you have to make your own life.she loves you and will come around sooner or later.for real
Do you know if her parents did it to her? There is nothing I can say or do to fix your relationship but I would recommend seeing a family councelor or something along those lines. I am sure she loves you and cared but this just may be the only way to show it.
Just Adam wrote:
Do you know if her parents did it to her? There is nothing I can say or do to fix your relationship but I would recommend seeing a family councelor or something along those lines. I am sure she loves you and cared but this just may be the only way to show it.
Not sure about her parents but I doubt it. and a family Conc. would be a waste of money. she just doesnt get me. And to some degree thats ok. I know she just wants the best for me. But we have different ideas of what the best is. Her idea is changikng the person I am and my thoughts/beliefs ect but she raised me to be this way. And I am not going to change because she thinks I’d be happier living life her way.
You may not be living life her way but you are obviously concerned on what she thinks and believes, I guess the next step would be to move past that. What I would do would be to Take what she says and learn from it but do whatever makes you happy, that is all we can do. I for one am proud of you, I know it doesn’t mean anything but you’re still here, still fighting and that is something to be proud of.
you have to tell her you understand what she wants but you have to make a life for yourself like she did.you love her and need her to be their for you.just give you a chance
ray48teres wrote:
you have to tell her you understand what she wants but you have to make a life for yourself like she did.you love her and need her to be their for you.just give you a chance
I am sure she has, people with that mindset are hard to convince anything of; best bet would be to do something drastic to get her attention, to make her understand but that is not always the best idea and can turn out poorly.
Just Adam wrote:
You may not be living life her way but you are obviously concerned on what she thinks and believes, I guess the next step would be to move past that. What I would do would be to Take what she says and learn from it but do whatever makes you happy, that is all we can do. I for one am proud of you, I know it doesn’t mean anything but you’re still here, still fighting and that is something to be proud of.
thanks Adam I have been taking those steps for years. And it works for ahwile and then it stops working for awhile. Its a process.
ray48teres wrote:
you have to tell her you understand what she wants but you have to make a life for yourself like she did.you love her and need her to be their for you.just give you a chance
Have told her that many times. Its just I am the only child she has that really says no to her. And that she doesnt understand. I think she feels she went wrong somewhere. Oh well I am happy with who I am and I do owe some of that to her.
true just make you a life she loves you and she will be their.mothers don’t change
my mother is extremely negative. Lately she seems she can’t open her mouth without making nasty comments about something or someone. I love her dearly, but the truth is, I hate being around her. I’m not the only one. There’s no talking to her about this, as she gets EXTREMELY defensive of the least thing she deems as criticizing her. I honestly don’t know what to do, but she’s driving me insane. Thing is, there’s not just one thing to fix, and it would all be better. I remember years ago, her saying about her own mother “grandma has to be mad at someone all the time”. Now it’s her. I don’t think she even knows she’s doing it anymore. It’s really harboring our relationship, as I try to avoid her. I feel sorry for her at the same time, as my own children are doing the same thing, as grandma is always nagging about something. I feel for your pain. I don’t know how to fix it..wish I could help. :(
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