Artist help: Where do I start? - Help.com

Where do I start?

I’ve dealt with depression all of my life, tried any number of drugs, which made me sicker than my illness, whatever that is. The last meds made my heart go wild, giving me atrial fibrillation. I’ve tried therapy, the docs telling me to leave my husband and “go find myself”. This is not an option, because I don’t believe in divorce. Besides, many men would have run long ago, but my hubby has stuck by my side. He’s not an easy man to live with either, but we do love each other.

I’m suspecting I have reactive attachment disorder; I had a horrific childhood with unspeakable abuse of every kind. As a result, I can’t connect emotionally to anyone, or anything, (including my home,) not even my husband and children, in the way that I want and need to…the greatest sorrow of my life.

I’m 60 years old, and am soooo very tired of feeling this way all of my life. I look around and try to figure out what other people find enjoyable in their lives. Basically, it seems to be family, friends, a meaningful job perhaps, God. But I am totally numb and empty…like a giant wall of bricks is before me no matter what my endeavor with no real interest in anything or anyone, including myself. It even affects me spiritually.

Please don’t say I’m pitying myself or dwelling on things I shouldn’t. Despite all that has happened to me, I keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other. I’ll be going along somewhat ok, and then whamo! the whole bottom falls out of everything, with no recognizable trigger or pattern, like I’m some other person. Then I’m hardly functional, wanting to sleep and not wake up, disappointed to see morning come. I seem personable enough when I talk to people, but it’s only on the surface. I tried to make a list of what I find enjoyable, and the only thing I could think of was sleep.

My world is getting smaller and smaller. My car was totaled, and Chrysler won’t replace it because I wasn’t in an accident: both of my airbags exploded when I was sitting still in a parking lot, so no one hit me and I didn’t hit anyone. (We talked to 2 attorneys, telling us we couldn’t win against Crysler.) It cost at least $1000 to have each air bag replaced, plus the airbags blew my windshield out and plastic parts all over the place. My car was worth only about $3000 at the time, so it wasn’t worth getting it fixed. I was hurt and have been going to the chiropractor ever since, which is paid for by Allstate.) So I have no car, and that was 15 months ago. I haven’t been able to get another car because of our job situation; we’re property caretakers/landscapers, and I lost my job due to the economic meltdown, and my husband’s hours were drastically reduced. Thus, no car, no job….this is what I mean when I say my world is getting smaller and smaller. I don’t feel well enough to get another job, physically or emotionally. I deal with 3 illnesses: Sjogren’s syndrome, fibromyalgia, and hypothyroidism…all of which cause pain and depression. Hearing myself tell you all of this, I think to myself…WA!WA!WA! What can I do to help myself?? I don’t know how to BE, how to be with people especially. I get out and walk an hour every day, just so I’m not staring at 4 walls. My husband and I don’t go anywhere….he’s an tv addict (cop programs), so he plops in his chair at the end of his work day because he’s so tired. I guess the drama of these violent programs is all the excitement he needs in his life. We don’t see anyone, or do anything, or go anywhere, never a vacations or trips. Sometimes I could just scream and never stop. I’ve talked to him about this til I’m blue in the face.) All of our married life, I’ve wanted to run away and just be alone in some cute little apartment somewhere. But I won’t do that; I’ve tried it and I can’t do that to him. He worships me; buys me flowers, chocolates, things like these, when he can. I could get a life without him, let him sit and rot in front of the tv, but how? No car means no job,,,no job means no car to make payments,,,no money means no nothing,,,,ill health means no job, no car….see what I mean? And yet,,,if miraculously I had a car and job,,,,still the fact remains that I feel nothing, emotionally distant with no joy in anything. Maybe I don’t know how to just BE. Does any of this make sense to anyone out there?

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Reactive attachment disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, art work, Artist, abuse of women and children (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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