Dating Double Standards? - Help.com

Sooooo… you two are not compatible.

A relationship is passionate when both people genuinely enjoy each other’s differences.

If the two of you are fussing over this kind of crap, you’re draining the energy of your relationship. You’re wasting time and energy trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong. What a waste!

When you find someone compatible, you are energized instead.

Being crazy about him doesn’t mean all that much.

Attraction is a combination of biological and psychological factors.

From the bio side, maybe you like his physique.

Maybe you like his assertiveness. Some girls are messed up psychologically… they act out with tattoos and piercings but they are really perfectionists inside and they crave assertive men and strong rules. I’ve dated girls like that– crazy in their youth then laughably straitlaced in their 30s. But it all came down to one thing: they did not love and respect themselves… they always found fault with themselves and they wanted an assertive man. Frankly they could not handle a man like me who simply respects women for who they are and refuses to tell them what to do.

Maybe he’s like your father, or the father you feel you should’ve had. I dunno. I’ve been attracted to women who were like my mom. When I figured that out I changed it fast… and ended up getting a woman who adores me for who I am.

Let’s try a fun little exercise:

Basically the issue is this… do you have tattoos and piercings and party because you want to distract yourself from your insecurities and you want to avoid rejection by society by rejecting them first? In this case, you might love this guy because he loves you despite what you do to yourself.

Or do you have tattoos and piercings because you love the artwork and you party because you are a social animal who thrives on interaction with others… in which case this guy just doesn’t love the real you?

You know what?

I suspect you have trouble allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You set up walls (piercings, tattoos, swearing, partying + alcohol/etc.) to avoid vulnerability.

So in order to have a relationship, you need a “strong” man who is assertive to balance the walls you have put up. Basically you are crazy about this guy because you think he loves you enough to be assertive enough to attack those walls you put up.

Here’s the problem: it’s not healthy.

If you allow yourself to be vulnerable to rejection and to simply be the soft real you with insecurities and hopes and fears and dreams, then you can let a man really appreciate you for who you are. You won’t assume that he is faking it to get into your pants because you will already accept that you are lovable for who you are.

Is all this too soft and cuddly? Believe me, I’m not that way at all. But I’ve learned this stuff the hard way.

I’ve dated girls who were nasty in their youth and then the opposite in their 30s. But they never really addressed the real problem: their refusal to be vulnerable and find someone who loved them for who they are.

Know what? These other girls were in horrible abusive relationships too.

Why? Because the were attracted to ASSERTIVE men. Guess what kind of man is more likely to be abusive? You are chasing men who do not respect you for who you are because you do not value yourself. You are dating guys who want you to change because YOU do not love yourself the way you are.

It’s a shame. I was relieved to stop dating one of these girls but I still feel bad that she is still a perfectionist who doesn’t love herself and believes she hates “wimpy” men. Well, the issue not “wimpy” men, the issue is she won’t let a regular guy access to her because of all these walls she’s put up.

If you want to find a guy who loves you for who you are, first YOU must love yourself (and you can do that by sitting down and writing out all the great things you have done for others) and you must make yourself available to those kind of men in places where they can be found.

You’re chasing the wrong kind of guy. You’re turned on by the strength but that’s because you need that strength to break down the barriers you keep putting up to keep others out.

Pull down the barriers and find a man who loves YOU!

Why don’t you tell me about all the things you have done to help others? You have helped, listened, encouraged, right? Maybe volunteered? Why not explore all the ways you are fantastic and remind yourself of that?

What if you met a guy who thought you were really cool because you had tattoos and piercings? I mean, if they are really important to you and he loved them… wouldn’t you feel great?

It’s one thing to live a healthier life. It’s something else to pair up with someone who is trying to change you. You must CHANGE YOURSELF because you want to, not because someone else wants you to.

In fact, when you find the right person, you want to improve yourself because it feels good.

i know what you feel like girl.