work help: Finding it difficult to stick up for myself! - Help.com

What happened? You’re not assertive?

http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Difficul…

Know what happens with bullies? When you stand your ground, they IMMEDIATELY want to become your friend. It’s true. It’s in the book, it happened to me.

Personally, I think bullies are insecure and they bully others to prevent others from seeing their fears. But when you show you won’t be bullied, they decide the next best thing is to have you as a friend.

People who are bullies usually take pleasure in pushing people around and they usually love to have an audience. Next time he/she bullies you, stand up to them in front of everybody. They usually don’t do anything and they leave you alone after that.

Most of them are just cowards who just like to show off and think it’s a great joke at your expense that you’re afraid of them.

Next time they bully you tell them to sod off!!!

You want me to give some tips on how to be assertive?

How to Be Assertive

To be assertive isn’t to say you are mean or rude. It doesn’t make you pushy or annoying. It just means that you say the truth and get things done.

Steps

1. Work on your appearance. - How you look tells a lot about you.

* If you’re wearing clothes that look like you’ve just got out of bed, or if you wear a pound of make-up with fluffy high-heels, people won’t take you seriously.
* If you look like you’re ready to get things done, people will know what to expect from you. A good motto is “Dress for Success.” This will let people respect you more.

2. Have a confident demeanor. You give away a lot before you ever open your mouth.

* Try not to be easy to read, even if you are nervous or uncertain.
* Keep your shoulders squared and your chin up. Even if you are confused, you can be confident. There’s no shame in asking questions.
* Try to look people in the eye. This can be hard for people who are naturally nervous or timid, but it shows people that you don’t intend to be brushed off.

3. Use a clear, calm voice. You don’t need to be loud, but you do need to make yourself heard. If people aren’t noticing you and you need service, say clearly “Excuse me.” Also, whatever you are trying to say, try to be concise.

4. Know what you want. People can tell if you already know what you want out of them, and it’s much easier for them to do what you ask them if you can tell them clearly what that is. Whether you’re speaking to an insurance agent or a waiter, their job is to serve you and you’ll make their job about ten times easier if you know what you want.

5. Know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em. Like anything else in life, being assertive is about balance. If the waiter made a mistake and brought you something you’re allergic to, speak up–and keep at it until the problem is corrected. But if a cashier growls at you, it’s not your job to educate them on manners and customer service, so let it go. It’s important to get what you deserve in life, but it’s just as important to understand what it is that you deserve in the first place! Pick your battles.

6. Don’t misdirect your frustration. If the airline counter agent tells you you must pay extra for your heavy bag, don’t get angry at the agent! Your beef is with the airline’s policy (and possibly your failure to read the fine print). Instead, treat the agent like an ally. If the policy was made available to you, apologize and ask for an exception. If you were never informed of the policy, say so, and ask for an exception. Either way, the agent herself did you no harm, so do not direct your frustration at her! She is not the aggressor; she’s your potential ally. So treat her well and negotiate respectfully…then take the matter up with the airline’s customer service agents.

More Tips

* If you’re about to engage in an important encounter, like asking for a raise or getting out of an unhealthy relationship, ask a friend to role-play with you. Practice what you are going to say, and have your friend give you feedback. If you aren’t assertive enough, try it again. This works best if the friend knows the person with whom you’re about to engage.

* Being assertive does not mean that you should be rude. People are more willing to help and bend for someone who is both direct and respectful

* If you’re doing everything right and whoever you’re talking to isn’t getting you anywhere, ask to talk to their superior and be very insistent. Most of the time you’ll see immediate results.

* Do not be afraid to ask questions. This way, in the future, the same person you are talking to will know, you know what you are talking about.

* Remember that even if you don’t know everything, you can still be certain of what you expect.

* Don’t be afraid to tell someone exactly what you think, but do so in a polite way. Speak your mind.

* If you have to deliver bad news, don’t offer unnecessary details. If you explain every single reason for your decision, the other person can use those reasons as negotiation points. Your decision is firm, and this will come across most clearly if you are short and to the point.

* Avoid having to put your foot in your mouth! Ask for what you want, and be assertive–but choose your words so that you can walk away from the encounter with your dignity, no matter what the outcome.

* How willing are you to help someone who is yelling at you? Not very, right? Anger and belittlement are not only rude, they’re completely ineffective. Do not resort to these tactics; they simply don’t work.

* Remember the big picture. True assertiveness, as opposed to pushiness, allows you to come away from any situation respectably. Pushy people may win battles, but only assertive people win wars. (And only assertive people keep the respect of their peers after a conflict.)

Just some warnings

* While you can use these techniques on authority figures, such as police officers and military officers, know where to draw the line. Arguing too much on the spot can backfire, even if you have a good case.

* In confrontations especially, emotions can run high. Remember to be respectful and keep a cool head.

* The key to success in confrontations is to use an appropriate tone of voice and the correct words. Speak to someone like you would like to be spoken to!

* Try asking first; don’t demand things right off the bat. Gather information and make the other person an ally. If that approach doesn’t work, then you may put your foot down. Rule out miscommunications first–make sure the person actually slighted you, and knowingly, before you come out with guns blazing. You wouldn’t try to kill a fly with a shotgun, would you?

RealGoneKid wrote:
just face it you’re a *****

Whoa mate, relax! What’s wrong with you? Are you OK?

Interesting you should mention teachers.

I found growing up that teachers were insanely insecure people. They tended to take their insecurity out on the kids they were teaching (often me).

I imagine this is a behaviour set she developed to deal with kids– trying to distract them with bullying so they couldn’t see how anxious she was.

What you must do consists of two pieces:

(1) do not allow yourself to be bullied; stay polite and open-minded but keep your eyes on the prize… what is the real goal and how do you get there (preferably together)

(2) address the underlying anxiety that is driving her poor behaviour; she is insecure and frightened; if you help her relax, she will be an instant friend (particularly if you are firm AND empathetic)

You don’t have to turn things into a fight.

Focus on the underlying interests and anxieties behind what she says and deal with those instead of the positions she may argue about.

Explore what she says vs simply accepting it at face value. “Tell me more about the thinking behind that idea…” etc. Find out what the goals are she’s trying to achieve and see how you can help her achieve them in better ways.