I get upset with how my partner talks to me and gets angry at me. - Help.com

Why do men get angry? Because they feel anxious about problems and the anxiety is something that makes them uncomfortable. So they get upset about feeling uncomfortable and they blame the people around them. It is easier to be angry and blame others than to admit fears and figure out how to solve the problems that create those fears.

So the first thing you need to do is understand what your man is afraid of. Then you can work at directly helping him figure out ways of dealing with those fears so they become manageable. You do this by helping him develop plans. Men with plans always feel better.

As for the relationship, men get their self esteem from how their women look at them. If their women look trusting, adoring, and appreciative, the men feel powerful and worthy and they will shower adoration on the woman in return.

If the woman is needy, clingy, complaining, worried, upset, etc. then he will take it personally and he will distance himself from her and his discomfort will make him angry and he will blame her for it.

He is a bully…. and you are isolated… you need to take your baby and go back to your family.

Thank you for your reply. How do I help my man when for the past year I’ve felt like I’ve barely had the resources within me to help myself? I had a very long and traumatic birth of our son and it took me a long time to emotionally and physically recover from the birth and when our son was 5 months old we moved to a new country where I didn’t speak the language. So I had a difficult year adjusting. I know my husband had to adjust to the new responsibility of being a father and the provider but he didn’t go through the physical trauma I did (I was in labour for over 30 hours and could not sit down without pain for nearly six months after giving birth because the doctors had to do an emergence extraction of our son so I tore open quite badly and deeply as a result). So how do I be the strong one for him and support him when I felt like he let me down and wasn’t the strong one for me but instead took his stress out on me and blamed me for making his life more difficult by him having new responsibilities? I know his stress is real for him but I feel like he has let me down when I needed him most.

linuxya wrote:
Why do men get angry? Because they feel anxious about problems and the anxiety is something that makes them uncomfortable. So they get upset about feeling uncomfortable and they blame the people around them. It is easier to be angry and blame others than to admit fears and figure out how to solve the problems that create those fears.

So the first thing you need to do is understand what your man is afraid of. Then you can work at directly helping him figure out ways of dealing with those fears so they become manageable. You do this by helping him develop plans. Men with plans always feel better.

As for the relationship, men get their self esteem from how their women look at them. If their women look trusting, adoring, and appreciative, the men feel powerful and worthy and they will shower adoration on the woman in return.

If the woman is needy, clingy, complaining, worried, upset, etc. then he will take it personally and he will distance himself from her and his discomfort will make him angry and he will blame her for it.

THe fact you feel he let you down? HE FEELS THIS. It’s no secret. He can tell you are disappointed in him. That makes him uncomfortable. That makes him distance himself emotionally and get angry.

You are actually wearing yourself out being angry and blaming him and focusing on your past sacrifices. They may all be true but it will only destroy your relationship to focus on them.

If you want things to get better, you must focus on every positive thing he has ever done for you and talk to him about THOSE things.

**** that is so true. He says that I can’t see any of the good he has done or any nice things he says and that I only see the bad. Your right. Not that he is a saint or is faultless but - if I want things to improve I have to try and put the past behind and forgive him and be strong and not take it personally if he’s stressed and ****** - not forever but at least give it my best shot and see if that improves things and take it from there. He obviously needs support with his stress and he hasn’t been getting a lot of support from me because I was struggling to cope with my own problems. I’ve felt too wounded by his words and actions to see through to what he feels underneath his anger which must be that he is afraid and not coping. I guess we both have had trouble coping and wanted the other one to be the strong one. I believed that I had had the rougher ride with the birth etc but I guess I can’t compare my stress against his and say he should have been stronger and more supportive - I guess if he could have been more supportive he would have. I guess he did the best he could at the time and I should forgive him and try to focus on the positives. Thank you :)

linuxya wrote:
THe fact you feel he let you down? HE FEELS THIS. It’s no secret. He can tell you are disappointed in him. That makes him uncomfortable. That makes him distance himself emotionally and get angry.

You are actually wearing yourself out being angry and blaming him and focusing on your past sacrifices. They may all be true but it will only destroy your relationship to focus on them.

If you want things to get better, you must focus on every positive thing he has ever done for you and talk to him about THOSE things.

Have you considered to suggest to him some sort of anger management therapy? Though I agree with linuxya’s advices and very valuable points, anon’s husband needs help too to manage his anger. I wonder if he became like that when the baby was born. It requires a lot from both parents to cope with.

beatricegalant wrote:
Have you considered to suggest to him some sort of anger management therapy? Though I agree with linuxya’s advices and very valuable points, anon’s husband needs help too to manage his anger. I wonder if he became like that when the baby was born. It requires a lot from both parents to cope with.

Hi this is anon :) yes I think he needs some help with his stress and anger - especially since becoming a dad he is more stressed. His dad left when his mum was pregnant with him so I feel that himbecoming a dad brought up all the unresolved feelings he had from his own dad leaving and him having to take on extra responsibilities with his mum being a single parent. I’d like him to have some therapy to help himself deal with his feelings instead of feeling overwhelmed and lashing out in anger.

Hi Angels, you know having a baby is the most wonderful thing a couple could experience but it requires from both part tremendous sacrifice and work along with offering help whenever it is possible. Also, often young dads feel neglected when the baby arrives because their wives, or partners are naturally always occupied with the care and feeding of the newborn. Women can ease that by let dad being involved and by showing him how important he is and how valuable is what he does. Maybe his anger is rooted on this very fact: he feels neglected and left out. Would be interesting to find that out. Next time you talk to him, start with a praise and positive comment on something he did even if it is just very little. I think he needs to be the centre of your attention again.