Where does a person find love?
Ever since my grandmother died in 2002 I have been on an unending search for love and acceptance and to fit in. I felt like my grandmother loved me unconditionally, with no demands and no strings attached. With my parents I have to be successful and productive to win their approval. The first part isn’t always easy. I have gone through hell, ranging from my living grandmother giving me money then turning it into a loan when it came time to pay. She also stopped talking to me after I told her I was breaking contact with a cousin who keyed my car. When I visited her at her church one Sunday, she even pretended not to see me. My dad has constantly left my feelings hurt by telling my grandmother information that does not pertain to her and only focusing on my shortcomings as a person. My mother has turned me away on occasion when I asked for a hug. She’s hugged me since but these memories stick out like a sore thumb and are at times difficult to forgive. My brother always lies on me and manipulates to put himself in a victim’s position with my parents and always manages to elicit their sympathy. I am considering making a break with my family or severely limiting future contact. Dad does not seem to support my education and career goals. I stopped going to college after incurring debt outside my tuition and continued working full-time. Now I’m planning on returning to school in January and my dad seems to not think I will or whatever. I am seriously considering finishing my degree and then making a break from certain family members whom I feel to be detrimental to my growth and success and happiness as a person. My aunt says the family loves me but I don’t feel it. Any contact made between me and my family members has been because of my efforts. I don’t receive phone calls from family just to say hello or ask how I am doing. In fact, I don’t have really any reliable friends for this either. I live in emotional isolation and sometimes wonder why I am even alive still. Any suggestions?
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