SMiLe :) - Help.com

SMiLe :)

~BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!~

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

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~You Know You’re Really a Mom When~

You count the number of sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they are equal.

You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child’s favorite toy and made him/her cry.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your child throws up and you catch it.

Someone else’s kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of the doctor’s office and you do it.

You hire a baby sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then you spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it’s the only one your child eats.

You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into unusual shapes.

You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi’s mother.

You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then you obsess when he skips in without looking back.

You can’t bear to give away baby clothes–it’s so final.

You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “Not in your good clothes.”

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You read that the average-five-year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is “above average.”

You say at least once a day “I’m not cut out for this job,” but you know you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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~DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:~

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Remember these people can vote!!

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