college help: This is my first year in college. - Help.com

Why don’t you drop out of that school and do what you want? I know you think they will “disown” you…but is that exaggerating? And if not, is that really so terrible. Obviously they don’t really care about your happiness.

hahaha - i wish i was exaggerating. i was sent to the best prep school there is, hopes have been high for long that I will be taking over his reputation in his field, if i go against my parents now, i honestly fear that they will no longer accept me as their son for one reason, they will forever more see me as a quitter. Since i last spoke to my mother, i was told that i will have to complete med school (the most demanding course there is, for five whole years), then we can sit down and talk about my future education. which is a laugh, because everything will happen all over again, i will (without knowing it) be entered into a specialization program that i also don’t want!!!

do what you want, its your life.

Its terrible that they are trying to keep you from what you want to do and what you want in life. They sound like they are controlling you and you are letting them. Drop out of the course.

Tell them this isn’t what you want, and that you decide what happens in your life and what is best for you.
Don’t let him decide.

Then it looks like your life will be better without your parents. It will be tough, but get a job, get your own place and go to a community college that you can pay for yourself.

zfayyad9 wrote:
hahaha - i wish i was exaggerating. i was sent to the best prep school there is, hopes have been high for long that I will be taking over his reputation in his field, if i go against my parents now, i honestly fear that they will no longer accept me as their son for one reason, they will forever more see me as a quitter. Since i last spoke to my mother, i was told that i will have to complete med school (the most demanding course there is, for five whole years), then we can sit down and talk about my future education. which is a laugh, because everything will happen all over again, i will (without knowing it) be entered into a specialization program that i also don’t want!!!

what kind of parents will that make them? Disowning their son for not taking a job that THEY want.

They would be bad parents if they don’t accept their son’s happiness and what you want.

Go to them and say “This is my life , you can’t decide what is best for ME” or something along those lines

~CharloTTe
good luck!

The issue is simple.

You are afraid of losing their respect and love if you don’t do what they want. This will destroy your ability to have meaningful relationships in your life… whether in work or family or personal… because you are reinforcing a strong need for approval. The more you give in, the stronger your anxiety will be whenever you want to do something different to what a loved one wants.

See the problem?

For their part, they are using fear to control you. They are making their love and respect conditional on your doing what they want. This is the way they cope with their fears about your future: control.

And you cope with your fears by being submissive.

See the problem? You are just reinforcing the bad coping skills they have and the bad coping skills you have.

It sounds like your father is going to try to live vicariously through you once he retires. Regardless of how they react, you only get one shot, it’s your life not theirs. My advice would be to drop the course, if not the school and go find yourself. If they haven’t let you grow before it may be hard but it’s something you need to do.

i’m doing medicine as well…i’m telling due 2 all difficulties of medicine i mean apart from hard lessons and harder exams,because u must tolerate human’s pain… :( if u really don’t like it u’ll give up sooner or later….i know alot of people who were about 2 finish medicine but suddenly they left it 4 other fields such as music,etc…..do ur best convince ur parents…tell them u don’t want it…
p.s:at first day of university they showed us a body….it wasn’t very pleasant…

You need to talk to your parents… medicine is such a hard course and you will be under so much stress just doing the work you have to do…. to be doing it when it’s not what you want will just be awful….

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
do ur best convince ur parents…tell them u don’t want it…

You can’t convince people out of their fear. His parents are afraid he is a quitter who won’t realize his true potential. They believe they can control their fears by controlling their love and affection for him.

linuxya wrote:

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
do ur best convince ur parents…tell them u don’t want it…

You can’t convince people out of their fear. His parents are afraid he is a quitter who won’t realize his true potential. They believe they can control their fears by controlling their love and affection for him.

if so…he can show them his real potentiality…maybe then they can see reality…

maybe we should talk to him not about him.

Anon, you need to get over your worry that your parents will disown you. Even if they do it’s not the worst thing in the world and you will eventually recover. They will probably not do so anyway, it goes against every biological instinct

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:

linuxya wrote:

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
do ur best convince ur parents…tell them u don’t want it…

You can’t convince people out of their fear. His parents are afraid he is a quitter who won’t realize his true potential. They believe they can control their fears by controlling their love and affection for him.

if so…he can show them his real potentiality…maybe then they can see reality…

But my point is this: it is NOT his job to deal with his parents’ fears. They must learn constructive coping skills to deal with their fears, not to make their love conditional on doing what they say.

He will be better off if he figures out what career path makes the best use of his skills and passions and chases it regardless of what others may say or do. Then he will prove to HIMSELF that he can do it. As long as he is afraid, he will never be able to talk his parents out of their fears.

It may well be that anxiety is what makes him “hate” his current university program. All hate comes out of anxiety. It is also natural for him to blame his parents for his anxiety because they are “forcing” him to do med school.

The truth of the matter is, med school makes him anxious. The only way for him to resolve that anxiety is to (a) own it and not bnlame anyone else for it; (b) figure out what he really wants for a career (medicine or not, anxiety aside); and (c) chase his true dream.

Well, I haven’t studied medicine, so I cannot speak about what it is like to live a medical student’s life day in and day out. As a university student, I have been in the category of people that chose to study what they like. As an undergrad, I studied psychology, cognitive and neurobiology, and then decided that I would pursue my real curiousity in philosophy. Currently, I am in graduate studies in history and philosophy of science, but the upshot is that I’ve been accumulating an education that is costly and, at the end of the day, isn’t valued economically in our society. After finishing a 4 year university program, I couldn’t find a summer job until 8 weeks into summer, and I settled with a minimum wage job selling clothing. Without a graduate degree, my ability to find any job requiring more qualification than high school is only very marginally enhanced. In fact, my social connections would probably do more work for me in acquiring a job than my bachelor of arts degree. Even now, in my masters, I am incredibly stressed because my livelihood depends on being able to compose research grants that support the idea that my research is valuable, and it’s really very stressful. To be honest, I’ve recently thought more than once what my life would be like if my parents had pressured me into pursuing education in something more valued by society.
Don’t mistake what I’m saying as a “count your lucky stars” morale. You situation is tough in a way that only you understand. At the same time, you’re in a really remarkable position to attain a highly prized intellectual status (highly prized by those who dole out the cash in our culture) while at the same time having the financial support of your family. Conceivably, you could spend these years tackling this project and then being able to use as a resource to fund another part of life in which you do get to do what you want.

Because he’s not here! That’s of of my biggest help.com pet peeves. People who want help then disappear!

hey guys, no im actually here, thanks a lot for all your comments.

but the thing is i was having a conversation with my parents. for now, it seems as though im staying put as a medical student, you see my problem is that i am not american / canadian / english. i am Jordanian. So, needless to say family ties are of the utmost importance. As for finding something i can pay my self through, that is a possibility.

It seems as though what my parents want me to do is to finish this course, and then we will have a deep and honest discussion about what path my life will take. THEN, and only then will I be able to change courses. I cannot simply cut ties and sever them with my parents, I come from a community based on reputation and relationships. If word got out that I have been outsed by my parents, I will also be essentially disowned b y the community i live in as well.

So for now, it seems as though I have no choice but to stay put! thank you so much for all your comments!

“needless to say”? why do you assume that people from Jordan like their families most than people from the three countries you mentioned?

as for me, i would never want to be seen by a doctor who never wanted to be a doctor! I only want to be treated by one who loves medicine, science and caring for people.

no - i am really sorry if that sounded wrong.

what i meant was that family ties in jordan define who you are. when in other western countries, you can define yourself as an individual, which is one great thing i think that the arab culture must adopt. where i come from, what is more important that who YOU are, is who your PARENTS are, and what your family name is, which is something very demeaning since individuality is very hard, if not impossible to achieve. Again, really sorry if this sounded bad, on the contrary i would rather my ties with my family be more open, and not as formal as they due to the culture i come from.

But it’s weird that they don’t care about you. Shouldn’t that be important?

well the thing is, to them they are doing what is in my best interest, and believe that that this will lead to the best career opportunities for me.

this might be true, given the importance and prevalence of reputation in my culture, over, academic merit. For example, if i was to continue in my fathers field, and another person whose merits and skills are much superior to mine, I will be known as the best in this particular field, because of my family name.

However, this is NOT how I want to live. I know myself, I tremendously enjoy economics/politics, I read economic and political novels all the time, and websites such as CNN, BBC… are the most browsed in my computer. I know what my dream is - I would very much like to study economics and political science, and maybe end up working for some international organizations such as the UN, or even involving myself in politics and becoming a part of the Jordanian government.

The problem again - is that they BELIEVE that this is what is best for me!

Your family name is more important than skill and merit?? That’s scary.

So why won’t you do what you want? What are you most afraid of?

They are frightened of what will happen if you don’t do what they say. It’s all about fear.

As soon as you face your own fears and force them to face theirs, the sooner you’ll be on the road to self-confidence for the rest of your life.

Rejection. If i go against my parents, I will loose their trust, their respect and backing. If that is to happen, they might cut me off. As previously stated, I am from Jordan, which means that I will not qualify for financial aid in any country. I am studying medicine at the University of Leeds in England, which is one of the top medical schools in the UK. The tuition fees for this course for me as an international students is upwards of $40,000 a year, this is not including any living expenses, which are some of the highest in the world. Where ever I go, tuition fees are high, and without the possibility of student loans, there are not many options for me.

Studying in Jordan is unfortunately not the best option in the world. I have achieved high scores upon graduation which were enough to put in medical school, which means that they should be enough for just about any college or course I want to choose. Jordanian universities do not have the resources to supply educational material of standard. Therefore, I honestly think that completing this course is probably the best way out, until I am able to secure a job as a junior doctor, and then choose a new path and pursue further eduction (I will be only 23 upon graduation :) )

Yes, they are, linuxya, but what if their fears push them to irrationality, what to i do then??

So you only want their money?

What about what I said before? Get a job and pay for college yourself?

If you love economics and politics, you can study it in jordan and then maybe get a masters degree in the uk based on a scholarship or something.

If you stick with the medicine you will only get further entrenched… after they spend all that $$$ on you do you really think it will be easier to change? No it will be much much harder and you will feel so much guiltier about it.

Think about it… $40k/year and how many years? at the end of it all do you think they will say “We spent a quarter million on your medical degree, we’re ok with you changing now?”

Yes that is right, but its not only about money.

It is much more complicated. As much as i would like to have closer family ties with my parents, it is just not possible. the most i see of my father is 5 minutes a day, if that. My mother, I see her around 20 minutes a day, my siblings we barely know each other. This is my family, as dysfunctional and inconvenient we are for one another, I truly love my parents and siblings, and I would never want my relationships with them to further worsen and become even more distant. All my life i’ve spent between school, activities and nannies, and never got to know my parents. If me staying and doing medicine will help our relationship grow, then that is what i want.

Its not about the money, if worst comes to worst I am sure that many relatives will be able to help me out, but the thing is that i do not want to end my relationship with my family!

i know it might be hard for you to understand that these people who i barely know are the ones that i truly love, but this is how im programmed!!! because i know they love me back!!

Wait, they live in England too? I thought they lived in Jordan?

And if you care about earning your parents’ love and affection and if you desire that closeness, maybe you should just continue with Medicine, but study politics also.

linuxya wrote:

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:

linuxya wrote:

HARVARDgirl!! :) wrote:
do ur best convince ur parents…tell them u don’t want it…

You can’t convince people out of their fear. His parents are afraid he is a quitter who won’t realize his true potential. They believe they can control their fears by controlling their love and affection for him.

if so…he can show them his real potentiality…maybe then they can see reality…

But my point is this: it is NOT his job to deal with his parents’ fears. They must learn constructive coping skills to deal with their fears, not to make their love conditional on doing what they say.

He will be better off if he figures out what career path makes the best use of his skills and passions and chases it regardless of what others may say or do. Then he will prove to HIMSELF that he can do it. As long as he is afraid, he will never be able to talk his parents out of their fears.

It may well be that anxiety is what makes him “hate” his current university program. All hate comes out of anxiety. It is also natural for him to blame his parents for his anxiety because they are “forcing” him to do med school.

The truth of the matter is, med school makes him anxious. The only way for him to resolve that anxiety is to (a) own it and not bnlame anyone else for it; (b) figure out what he really wants for a career (medicine or not, anxiety aside); and (c) chase his true dream.

maybe u right…i don’t know there’s s.th obsessing me and prevents me rom concentrating…i have read what u wrote several times but i can’t get what u say due 2 my onsession,i’ll reply later if u don’t mind :)

Your situation is that you desperately WANT to be loved by your parents. They don’t seem to be showing it to you and so you feel compelled to do what they want to keep their love. You are afraid of losing what you think is their love (the $$ they spend on your education) I understand that.

However, the sad truth is this: you will NEVER be able to get the love you crave by submitting to their demands. You will resent them for the time you spend doing stuff you don’t want to and end up a bitter man who wondered “What if I’d done what I wanted?”

Look, if you give in on this, you’ll give in the next time, and the time after that because you are afraid of losing their love.

They are absent parents. You didn’t get the love you needed growing up. That’s clear. But this isn’t going to get you what you want.

You’re far better off making the life you want and finding a partner you supports you and developing friends and colleagues who love you for your interest in economics and politics and not for what they want.

See?

steff: sorry for the mixup, its how much i used to see them back home, not now in college after i’ve moved!

linuxya: yes - all you are saying does make sense if it a simple, 2D equation. factor in some emotions, and your equation changes. Trust me, what I am after is NOT then money - it is their approval and love. I simply don’t have the courage to stand up to them and tell all of what I have said now, call me coward, i told you what i said will probably not make sense, but right now, it feels like the right thing to do, i just dont want to face more arguments with them and spend another month frustrated and depressed because of the results of the argument!!

zfayyad9 wrote:
Trust me, what I am after is NOT then money - it is their approval and love.

That is what I have been saying in every post. You are afraid of not having their love.

The more you put this off, the stronger your fear will become. You will basically become paralyzed because you will not be able to make any decision that might cause them not to love you.

Can you see how that will destroy your life?

You are avoiding conflict because you are afraid of it. If you can afford your own education, simply enrol in an economics/politics program back in Jordan and be done with it.

Like I said, you will never NEVER get the love you crave from them. They aren’t capable of giving you that love. If they were then you wouldn’t feel controlled like this.

You have to create NEW SOURCES of love… friends and colleagues and girlfriend/wife who love you and respect you for your TRUE passions.

Easy to say, hard to achieve. Honestly, I have to thank you, all of you for all the posts, and linuxya, you are making me seriously think about what you are saying, well, until the end of this semester at the very least I have to stay put, in the mean while I will be applying to other courses at other universities as well, just in case. You are enticing me with all the possibilities, and making me overcome all the excuses i have created for myself. thanks, and you never know - i think i might follow your advice!!!!

thanks

anonymous

Best of luck to you.

Surround yourself with people who love and believe in you for who you really are and you will be confident, happy and passionate in life and in work.

youre in college. youre a big kid now.
its your life. make your own choice.

its YOUR life, your ONE and ONlY life…live it the way you want to