Help help: does anyone think its a good idea to crash a party to c the girl u love just to say sorry? - Help.com

You dont need to ‘crash the party’ to do that, you can go & quietly have a word with her, without making a scene.

yes no scene would be good dont think i could handle that. but i think the iusse is her saying dont come cuz dont want the stress am afried that i could make it worse if i turn up

If she’s asked you not to go dont go… give yourself and her some time to cool off… then surprise her nicely tomorrow…. turn up with something she likes… and i don’t mean flowers…. use your imagination…. her favourite chocolate bar or something…. give your gift to her… say i’m sorry and leave…. do not get into a discussion with her…. let your apology and gift do the talking for you

What did you fight about?

we had a fight about me not listening and being distant n differant latly

Ah, have you been together long?
Is it true, do you not listen?
Why are you being distant?

don’t do it dude
I’m going through something similar
I know its hard, but let her be the one to come to talk, otherwise you will only solidify what ever she is feeling and it will 10x as difficult to get along with her

She has to learn that mean get distant when they don’t feel great around a girl. Anxiety sends men into retreat to think things over. Anxiety sends women into chatter mode to talk out their feelings. Men and women react differently to anxiety. She has to accept that.

If she lets her insecurity take over (ie. she’s afraid because you are distant) then she will drive you away. If she allows you your space and she’s self-assured and calm about it, then you’ll maintain interest in her.

THem’s the facts. You each need to accept your biological differences. Explain it to her, refer her to John Gray’s Mars & Venus books.

And don’t crash the party.

we bin going out for 18 month next month. i am not the best at listening to be honest but am trying and the distant thing is cuz am afried of loseing her so tryin damage limition.

If you crash her party, I doubt she will accept your apology.

If you put up a wall, that is a sure way of losing her.
Try to open up to her, women are not that hard to talk to, give it a go.

so the genaral idea is to leave her alone at least for tonight

You know the situation better than us, you need to trust your own judgement.
Could you not see her before the party or give her a call?

i cant realy see her before hand and am hopless withh word at the best of time so dunno if a phone call would work the crashing the party was a way of make me think on my feet cuz that am good at

Don’t fall into the trap of apologizing because she’s insecure. You both have to accept that men NEED time on their own when they are anxious. You will need it in the future for the rest of your life.

If you apologize for it now, you will make her think you will change your behaviour in the future. That’s really very unlikely to happen.

Far better that you both accept your different ways of dealing with anxiety.

thats a good idea maybe leting us breath will help am just always wanting to fix thing right now

You’re in danger of creating a cycle where you have to apologize whenever she feels insecure.

She must OWN her own insecurity. YOU are not responsible for her feelings. They are hers. If she feels insecure she needs to deal with it. She must accept that men require alone time to process anxiety. It is not something to apologize for although you can work at letting her know when you need “time off”.

For her part she must not make you feel bad for something that is completely natural. You must also avoid making her feel bad for wanting to chat over everything. That’s what girls do.

The best thing you can do is understand each other’s needs. Satisfy your own as best you can then reach out to each other when you are ready. When you agree to do that, you can both learn to look after yourselves and the relationship.

I do think we both need to understand each other better with this thing. but i alos struggle to leace it alone i want ot fix everythink now

Your intense desire to fix things is typically male. When you feel anxious, you want that anxiety to disappear. You either run away from it or you fix the problem. That is the manly way.

Both of those strategies actually tend to annoy women. Women don’t want you to run away OR “fix things”. They want you to stay put and listen and empathize with them. Empathize means you listen and you repeat back your understanding of what they just said to you and you put yourself in their place and try to express what they are FEELING about that situation.

Look, do yourself a favour and get “Men, women & relationships” by John Gray. You’ll understand men and women better and avoid all kinds of unnecessary drama.

so u saying am a bloke and cant help it i just need to slow down and listen to what she has to say

I’m saying there are certain things you will always do because that is what men do.

You will do your best to meet her half-way and she must do the same for you. Neither of you will change to suit the other but you will each bend a little out of love and respect.

Listening is tough but girls feel better when they can get it all out. I always feel worse listening to it all but I consider it an investment. I make a point of always getting the girl to give her side. Then I repeat it back until she agrees I got it. Then I say I want to give my perspective. Then I share that. The whole thing has no blaming in it. Each person has to own their own feelings.

It’s worth the investment over time. The very worst thing couples can do is blame each other for being their natural selves.

would u apply these thing no matter of age and lenth or time together?

Yes.

These are skills you will need with EVERY woman for the rest of your life (and that includes women you work with, women who are relatives, women who are friends).

thankl you am greatful that u all took the time to read my post n reply thank u

You’re welcome. Get yourself that book and you’ll save yourself a lot of grief in the future.