sex help: I’m in crisis. - Help.com

You’re right, and I tried that. When he told me he didn’t wish to be friends any longer it was very out of the blue and he called me to say it. I got a little frustrated and then we talked in person and it was the same. When we talked weeks later I tried to talk it out and got the same response, that he doesn’t want anything to do with him and then that he needs time. I’ve thought about it day and night since then and all I can ciome up with is that he was attraced to me (maybe bi-sexual) and had a sexual thing with me after years of friendship and then went crazy about it. I think maybe he wants what happened to be erased and the only way he can come close to that is if I’m sort of erased too by being out of the picture.

On the one hand he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me and then says he needs time and then back to he doesn’t want anything to do with me and then back to needing time. I’ve talked to other people who say he may be confused about his sexuality and needs to be away from me to sort that out, but I don’t understand the level of cruelty involved. If he came right out and said look I’m troubled by what I did and need time away from you to sort things out, then I’d at least understand and I’d talk to him and tell him what happened wasn’t wrong and that we can be friends without that happening again, at least talk on the phone sometimes until we get back to being comfortable, and so on. But he’s said some really mean hurtful things to me which is oddly followed by saying he misses talking but needs more time. But at this point I wouldn’t call him or show up in person since he’s insisted he wants no contact with me and that would come across as very invasive and almost stalker-ish.

I told him how depressed it had made me, and that made no difference. I understand if he’s conflicted and troubled by what happened, but he’s the one who initiated it and even if he’s troubled by it, I don’t understand how he can still be so cold, especially when he was always a good friend. It’s really made me question everything about myself and everything about everyone else. I feel like if such a good friend can turn like that and have no regard for the impact of his decisions on my feelings, how can I ever trust anyone again? Now I’m left with anger over what he did that I can’t get past, as well as severe depression that I can’t shake either. The whole thing’s a mess and I think the only way it could be fixed is if I had a time machine to go back and stop things from happening, but I don’t, so it just seems unfixable. Thanks for listening.

Thanks Ali.

I don’t think he’s going through any decision. He’s over 30 and has been “straight” all his life and continues to have a girlfriend. I’d heard rumors about him in the past hooking up with a guy or two but never asked because it’s none of my business and if it was true and he wanted to tell me he would. But regardless, he seems determined that he is straight and wants that to be his label and his story. I don’t see him suddenly being in a gay relationship at this point. And I’m fine with that, my depression is more over the loss of the friendship. If, when the sex happened, I was told I had a choice between that and the friendship, I’d have avoided any sexual activity and chosen the friendship in a heartbeat.

As for calling him to sit down and talk, that isn’t going to happen any time soon either. I tried that and he was quite clear that he wanted no contact with me whatsoever and needed time. The needing time thing may have even been just something he said to keep me away for a while and maybe he has no plans of ever talking to me again. Who knows. He might just want so badly to cling to that straight image and label and want so badly to “erase” what happened that he feels he has to erase me from his life. Either way, if I called again and told him I wanted to sit down and talk, he’d probably get creeped out and think it was stalking.

Thanks again.