depression help: I started to have this unhealthy obsession with this movie and book I read, Bridge to Terabithia. - Help.com

I started to have this unhealthy obsession with this movie and book I read, Bridge to Terabithia.

First off I would like to say I never ever had a movie which touched/affected me this much. And I never before this cared about celebrities or movie stars.

It’s been weeks now since this started. Ever since watching it I couldn’t get it off my mind. Everyday I think about how much Leslie in the book meant to Jess, and what it must be like for him. She was his only friend in the world, and his only connection to a happier and more meaningful life. Before that he was an outcast at school who only drew things. He was even an outcast at home with his uncaring parents and indifferent sisters. She was like a gift from heaven to him to brighten up his life and to show him the depth of friendship. It was like they were made for each other, each of them complementing the other and became so important to each other that they were literally a piece of the other. Then when she died, the tragedy and loss that can be felt is so great. You really could feel how Jess felt like, the denial, anger, frustration…

They had such a bright future together, and it was so unexpected. And she had almost every good quality you could think of in a girl, sweet, friendly, talented, intelligent and outgoing. She gave Jess a bequest to use his imagination to his best. The worst part for me was that it also touched on religion, namely she chose not to believe in Jesus so there’s no consolation that he’ll see her in heaven.

It started to make me really depressed. After all life is so short and brief, our loved ones could be taken away from us at any moment without notice. It also left me questions about spirituality which just seems so unfair that that girl would be damned to hell. But it’s her choice and she chose it. I’m serious about this, the story affected me so much that I could start crying anywhere. I’m basically sleepwalking to classes with this at the back of my mind at the brink of tears. Everyday I wake up with a stab of pain in my heart. I have never experienced this before, and I have no reason to explain it. It’s totally irrational and stupid for me to be this way. It’s just a story which was based on a personal story, but it’s a story nonetheless. I lost my appetite and stopped caring about things around me. I’m neglecting my studies and just wallowing in the melancholy of it all.

Then from that stemmed another obsession. Remember how I said i never used to give a crap about celebrities? Well now I started becoming obsessed with the actress in the movie, Annasophia Robb. Her sincerity and innocent beauty in the movie could be felt so much that it seemed as though she actually died in real life. Especially her friendship with Jess in the movie seemed so deep and so real, she was like the light of his life to bring him out of the darkness of his shell. I spend hours consoling myself by reading and watching her interviews and finding out more about her. It’s unhealthy and I know it. It’s like my conscious is wrestling with my subconscious but can’t seem to hammer it in.

I’ve been trying to reason with myself over this. I started to have this desire to become an actor like Annasophia Robb, but again never in my life have i ever thougtht seriously about becoming an actor. Her life just seems so perfect, she’s making good money, is recognized for what she does, is travelling around the world and helping people when she’s only 2 years younger than I am. It’s exactly what I want to do. I keep telling myself, acting is not worth it. I try to face the facts, 98% of professional actors live below the poverty level and 0.05% if not less actually become famous. And yet I have this unreasonable desire to go into that business. Even though my passion is music, I have decided not to become a musician because it’s a tough life and it’s so hard to succeed. So why acting? A sense of adventure is always close to my heart and I yearn to do what she does, travel around the world and meet people. I’m studying in one of the best universities for a career that’s the 2nd best career in the world. I keep telling myself that I am blessed with having the potential to pursue that job, and yet I feel as though my life is so empty. I question myself why did God make my life this way and not like hers? It’s totally irrational, and again I cannot explain it. I’m better off than most people in the world, but am selfish enough to want more. I just feel like my future job as an actuary would be boring and unmeaningful, an office job which requires a lot of studying and nowhere as nice as it would be as an actor.

And again I try to reason with myself that most actors are poor and need another job to support themselves. They have no job security and when they do become famous their lives do not become their own but others (papparazzi etc). And i feel stupid to generalize from one actress alone that all actors are well off.

I began to think that maybe the reason I’ve been feeling depressed and sad lately is because I’m jealous of the life she has, and her accomplishments at such a young age. And she’s about the only actress I can connect with, because of her age, her sincerity and deep desire to help people around the world. That’s what i want to do, to make the world a better place. Thankfully over the past few days my thoughts about her have been decreasing, but not the pain in my heart. My life feels so empty at the moment, like I’m a robot who’s goal is to study and become a boring actuary who would do no good for the world.

My goals in life are to
1. travel the world
2. to help people around the world and make it a better place, by volunteer work or otherwise
3. to be recognized and appreciated by people for who I am. I have no desire to lead or be led, I just want to be the independent spirit whom people would remember for his works.
4. to have a Steinway piano.

so i was thinking that becoming an actuary would help me achieve those dreams. I think of it as a medium to get what I want, but it’s depressing as the job requires a LOT of studying and is not very exciting. I’m thinking of changing majors, but again if I have the opportunity which not many people have why waste it. It’s a good career which many people who want and yet I have this want to throw it away. Again, irrational and stupid.

I plan to travel the world when I make the money as an actuary, and I do plan to do an on-off thing of working and doing volunteer work. I reason, if I make the job wouldn’t I be of more use to the volunteer community because of my qualifications? Nothing hurts me more than the thought of the people starving and suffering out there while we just sit back and enjoy our own comfortable lives. I’m even seriously considering being a full-time volunteer for the rest of my life, but that way I wouldn’t be able to achieve my personal dreams. I pray almost daily that God’s will be done in my life.

Maybe the reason i feel this way is because I wish i had a childhood friend like Leslie. A girl next door who I can call my best friend and rely on. The only deaths I felt in my life was the death of my grandmother whom i was not very close to and the emotional death of my close friend. The latter affected me a lot but not anymore as we became close friends again. So I have no idea why this movie and book affected me so much as I can’t relate the experience of death to something in my life. And I have my own Terabithia, that is playing the piano. It’s my creative and emotional outlet. So why do I feel this sadness and emptiness?

Could someone help me out here, maybe by a psychological standpoint to explain my feelings? I would really appreciate it. Just try to make me see sense. And to get rid of all these negative thoughts in my head. The things I’ve been going through have just left me confused as to why I would feel this way. Wherever I go there’s this sadness and emptiness in me that leaves me on the verge of tears. I feel as though I am not pursuing the real dream in my heart and am going to live an empty,superficial existence. Sometimes I wish I had never watched the movie in the first place. It has only left me with these unhealthy emotions. I have an ISFP personality if that helps. What is wrong with me?

This open post was written 3 weeks, 2 days ago | V/U/S: 91, 3, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

depression, psychology, feelings (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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