I really need someone to talk to.
I’m very alone in this world.
I have family, friends, and peers at school… but each of those groups knows a different me.
I’m never the same with anyone. I’m always putting up a mask and telling people what I want them to believe, about me. But before I get into all this… I should tell you a little about my past.
Please read. It’s very important and I really do need help. Please.
My name is Ali. I grew up in a very Catholic family all my life. I didn’t mind it. I loved it quite actually. I was a Catholic from birth all the way through high school. But I went to an art school (Ai) and realized, there was much more to the world then my parents showed me. Slowly throughout me attending, I began to hate being a Catholic. Even though I knew I would create the same sin over and over… a priest could fix that every week. I began to question that. I began to question everything.
I didn’t know who I really was at that point because all throughout high school that’s all that could really define me… Catholic. I was as hard core as my parents. But since I began to ‘slip away’ my parents became disappointed in me. My father even kick me out of my house (well their house) during one of my finals. Because I told him I wasn’t going to go to mass the next day. I haven’t gone to church since… what was the last holiday? Easter? It was long ago… to this day I don’t want to go back. I’m not ready.
A little before the time my father kicked me out of the house… I added a ‘problem’ to my list. I feel in love with my best friend, a girl. That’s right, a Catholic girl dating a girl. That doesn’t happen in the Catholic Church. Since all of my life before college was me being Catholic all of my beliefs since I was a child I now threw away. 3 years before I would protest if I could against gays… but look… I’m in love with a girl… and I’m a girl!
I love her, don’t get me wrong. I won’t abandon her. But since I’m still living with my Catholic family, we decided it would be the best thing is we kept it a secret. So we have been acting like we’re best friends even though we’re officially a couple for over a year. Yep. Over a year of being a secret. Only 3 of my friends know. The reason we don’t tell our friends is because if it was on facebook… my siblings would find out, and my father would kill me.
I graduated Ai (an art school) and I live about 5 cities away from her. I don’t drive (currently with permit) and now I got to school online to get another animation degree and I’m working as a freelance artist. I see her luckily 1 time a week. Most of the time, 1 time every other week. Since I got to an online school I stay in my house… 24/7. Going outside is a treat for me.
I’m over weight, but I’m working on that. I’ve lost about 20 lbs in 3 months. I’m that’s one thing that’s a little going right in my life… other then my wonderful girlfriend.
But my problems keep adding up. I’m alone by myself. I don’t see anyone. I crave for someone to even make eye contact with me at my house (my parents still… I can’t afford to move out!). But since I can’t see anyone I take a good chunk of my time just think (when I’m not busy). And I think… That is what gave me my new problem.
I’m a cutter now. I’m just experimenting with needles and making nice etches in my shoulders so no one will see. I told my girlfriend about it. She told me to stop. So I am right now. But I loved that thrill I got. Originally I was just scratching with pencils… but that wasn’t enough. I’m afraid I’ll go back to that. It happened when I couldn’t take the overall pain of keeping all my secret lives together. It was overwhelming. I just wanted the pain… to leave.
So now. I know I have more than one problem. I have ¾ major ones.
1. Catholic Family doesn’t understand.
2. Girlfriend that is being kept away from the world.
3. Cutting because it is a thrill.
4. No one really knows me.
So. I come to you good people of the internet. Please. Just say anything to me. I just need to know… someone herd me. Read my story… Know I’m alive. Please write back. I would love it even if you said hello. If you have an advice for me, I would love the read it.
Just… please… respond…
Your friend in the basement room.
Since writing this post tythecooldude0 may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. tythecooldude0 is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 6 months and has 47 posts and 234 replies to their name.
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