Love help: I don’t know what to choose now. - Help.com

Once a week isn’t bad! I did a long distancr relationship once and we only saw each other every 4 - 6 weeks! It worked too! Stick with the college and move on when you are done.

Best wishes!

Just hold out for the year of college that you have and when you move you and her can be together. If she feels as strongly about you as you do about her she should understand your situation.

Um… what am I missing? Are you both girls?

Here’s my problem with this situation and apologies for my bluntness, I mean well ;-)

- you are willing to compromise what you think is right in order to benefit from a relationship from your parents… ie. you are using their goodwill and resources under fall pretenses

Why is this a problem? Because it goes to your core values. Every choice you make is about your core values… why is important to you… what you will stand up for and defend because you believe in it…

You are basically saying that money is more important than what you are (if I am reading this right that you are gay). So why won’t you just keep making this compromise your whole life? Won’t this affect jobs, places to live, colleges, and every other choice? All choices eventually come back to resources and respect and approval from others. What will make them any different?

I would strongly suggest that you seek out the gay community and start learning about what it means to come out, what it means to be open about who you are, what it means to compromise who you are because you are afraid.

You haven’t told us why they would object to the relationship.

And Catholics don’t believe in killing.

i am facing kinda the same problem. my mom knows i am gay and she want tell any one cause she is ashamed of me. i am openly gay and i get the **** beat out of me everyday for it. am i gonna stop being gay or hid who i am. Heck no.
PS: sorry for the curseing.

How your parents react depends on how well they cope with anxiety. If they are highly religious, this implies a very low tolerance for lack of conformity or change. That has nothing to do with religion or right or wrong, it has everything to do with their ability to cope with a world that doesn’t fit their fantasies.

Apparently being gay doesn’t fit into their universe. As you get older you will experience many similar conflicts… where the world is different from your own view and you have to decide whether to adjust your world view (which is a challenging process but own adopted by intelligent people) or to reject that world view and punish people who espouse it.

This is your chance to accept that fear is at the basis of hostility. Your parents’ fear comes out of having to accept a world different from what they believe in… to have to accept a reality they prefer to ignore.

That is their problem, not yours.

why are you so into anxiety?

The basic human brain creates feelings of anxiety when it senses change. Those feelings cause a person to either want to FIGHT or RUN AWAY (called the fight/flight response)

You parents are frightened of a world that doesn’t fit their religious views. In their limited logic, the gays make them uncomfortable and angry so the gays are bad and must be punished. They respond to their discomfort by FIGHTING.

You are also feeling anxiety. You are anxious about losing the love and affection of your parents. Your fear is causing you to RUN AWAY (ie. hide your differences).

The way your parents treat homosexuality has nothing to do with homosexuality. It has everything to do with their poor coping skills with a complex world that doesn’t meet their simplistic religious fantasy. They simply ignore or fight anything they don’t understand or agree with.

The way you are dealing with this problem (hiding your gay status) reflects your fear of losing their love and affection. If you always run away from your fears, you will become a repressed and bitter person. You will come to hate your parents because just as they blame gays for making them uncomfortable, you will blame them for not accepting you (whether or not you ever tell them).

Hi Ali,

Normally I would say just tell them, but you know your family better than anyone and if you think it would cause a lot of drama in your life, it may be best to wait. You’re very busy with school and having to deal with the trauma of your family freaking out might be too much for you right now.

You say you’re moving out after you finish school. It might be easier to tell them once you’re done school and moved out of the house. That way you can tell them and not have to be trapped with them afterward. So you can give them time and space to think about it. And if they decide they can’t accept it, well then at least you’re already out of the house. If you tell them now and they kick you out, you may not be able to finish school. If they say you can stay but can’t be with your girlfriend while you live there, then you have even more restrictions on your relationship unless you move out right away and risk not finishing school and further alienating your relationship with your family. If you tell them and you’ve already finished school and moved out, then you can tell them and let them have their own time to deal with it as well as their space.

Your girlfriend will probably understand if you explain it to her rationally. It’s not like you plan to keep it secret forever. Just explain that you love her and want to be with her but for now your life won’t allow you to be as open as you’d like to be. It’s just better for everyone involved if you wait until your situation allows more freedom and until you’re done school and can focus on the relationship.

Parents have a way of being more understanding than we expect, even ones with strong religious convictions. Yours might not accept your relationship at first but they may eventually come around and then you’ll be truly happy. For now, concentrate on getting school done and getting on your feet, and then you’ll be in a better situation to have a stronger relationship with your girlfriend and a more honest relationship with your family.