i know this sounds strange but any guy out there, please help me! - Help.com

A small pecker!

i cant think of any thing

We can’t tell you. It’s a man secret.

They’re just messing with you!

If we told you, we’d have to kill you.

It’s way to big of a deal to tell you. Even us men don’t like to discuss it with each other.

Find us a virgin to sacrifice to the Gods and then find a cow with no breasts but that can act like a bull and a straight guy Clay Aiken admirer and we’ll tell you.

Yes, and we’ll need lots of cheese too.

OK, I will tell you.

You know the times you hear guys bragging about how many girls they have bagged?

You know, gone to be with?

hahahaha thats so funny. you hate talking about it, and the idea of guys ******** about how much we hate it. yet you make a post about it :)

i have to say, its very funny :) x

OK. That’s not it! It’s something else!

You promise it will be our little help.com secret?

OK. You know how sometimes guys brag about the size of their….you know?

Well, most guys’…..you know….it’s very small. In fact so small that it’s annoying and a hardship to have one. You know why?

The IRS wants to tax it but it can’t. You know why?

That’s what the IRS says. But they have tried.

Well, they gave it a break. Well, It has two nuts for best friends, lives right next door to an a**hole, 90 percent of the time is just hanging around not doing anything, 10 percent of the time is so hard up that it works so hard that it ends up getting sick that it end up throwing up all over the place!

cant tell u. sorry

waking up with a sticky puddle in the bed? its pretty bad..

dogsluvr9 wrote:
ugh…but whats the big mystery?

Anonymous wrote:
waking up with a sticky puddle in the bed? its pretty bad..

Wet dreams!

yea..it can also happen more than once a month and its embarrassing if someone else has to clean the sheets

nobody said being a guy is easy:)

Anonymous wrote:
yea..it can also happen more than once a month and its embarrassing if someone else has to clean the sheets

nobody said being a guy is easy:)

Specially when you wake up with birds perched on it!

littlenick wrote:
Specially when you wake up with birds perched on it!

aaah yes, the Asian hookers :D:D

The morning hard on!

Do I have to be any more direct? Wow! You are lost!

There, click that and read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturna…

but seriously, the worst i can think of is the fact that we guys have to hide our sexual arousal constantly..i think we’ve all been in that awkward situation of needing to secure the young lad upright behind a belt!

dogsluvr9 wrote:
but that website says that girls get wet dreams 2

the problem isn’t the wet dream, wet dreams are awesome
the problem is sperm, its composition; sticky, potent smell and large quantities
a guy is most likely to have a wet dream if he doesn’t clean the pipes, which leads to a large build up, and..you guess the rest

One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, “Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself.”

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor.

The doctor asked him how it went. He said, “Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my d**k, s**t on my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up.”

Have you ever seen the movie “There’s Something About Mary?”

YOu know when Ben Stiller slaps his monkey before going out with Mary?

HAHAHA lol to littlenick

and omg how old are you? guys get their morning wood, which has sometymes left sumthing sticky xp and also random hardons thruuought the day. can be embarrasing for them.

you ^-^

u.

i would say guys have it rough with the random moments of “sexual arrousal” during the day..it isn’t always even because they are thinking of something sexual..

a while back i went on a second date with a guy, i got out of the car, walked over to him, gave him a little hug, and he popped one… and tried to hide it making it even more obvious to me. this isn’t an example of non sexual thought though haha

i didn’t say anything.

I didn’t want him to be embarassed..because he would have been. painfully so.

But he ended up telling me weeks later anyway :P

i get it…. unfortunatley…. but i do agree that girls get too whiny about having their period, and i’m a 13 year old girl. sounds like guys got it WAY worse

hahah ..
if im hugging a girl and she smells nice (which is most of the time)
i have to keep thinking about something else to avoid getting aroused..

littlenick .. dude.. your sarcastic wit is awesome ..

well periods DO suck, for some people more than others.

for instance i get cramps that make me want curl up in a fetal position and cry :/

theres also blue ball. thats just as bad if not worse than getting your period, but it doesn’t last a whole week though

A broken bloody, bleeding heart that no t-pon can soak!

stevethemeve wrote:
theres also blue ball. thats just as bad if not worse than getting your period, but it doesn’t last a whole week though

whats that???

I wouldn’t be a man if i told you :P

Anonymous wrote:

stevethemeve wrote:
theres also blue ball. thats just as bad if not worse than getting your period, but it doesn’t last a whole week though

whats that???

uhm try watching “forgetting sarah marshall”

hah please tell me i have no time to watch that :)

uhm . . ill let someone answer that lol..
that movie gives you a hint..

yeah theyre screwing with you dude.

dogsluvr9, They are just messing with you to try and get a reaction out of you. And they appear to be doing a good job!

Are you old enough to make use of this site? >.>

you still havent answered my question

i assure you, blue ball is a real epidemic.. sort of. lets say a boy and a girl decide to have sex. foreplay has passed and its time for the deed to be done. both parties are about to initiate, but all of a sudden the girl remember she was supposed to be home 30 minutes ago, so she gathers her belongings and get out of there. the guy is left with a raging.. longing. and nothing can be done since he is by himself. so he tries to go to sleep. about two or three hours later his equipment feels as though its about to explode. its similar to getting kicked in the balls. and that is as far as i will go explaining blue balls

bow down to littlenicks jokes :D lol you made my day man :D loooled all the way

dogsluvr9 wrote:
just please tell me what the hell a guy has that is worse than a period!

There is nothing that a guy has worse than a girl’s period. Even if they think so, it’s not. (I’m a guy, 21)

what i know it may be a thing called blue balls; when they get turned on but cannot have sex it “hurts them” am I right?

littlenick wrote:
If we told you, we’d have to kill you.

HAHA

they’re messing with you GET OVER IT!!!

Ask your boyfriend once you have one. Should you have one, that is.

Anonymous wrote:
Ask your boyfriend once you have one. Should you have one, that is.

I doubt he’d tell her… because then he’d be breaking man law

Have you ever heard a guy say to another:

Slap that monkey it’s not wrong!

Central wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ask your boyfriend once you have one. Should you have one, that is.

I doubt he’d tell her… because then he’d be breaking man law

Yes, but perhaps she’ll believe him instead of trying to force it out.

littlenick wrote:
Have you ever heard a guy say to another:

Slap that monkey it’s not wrong!

Stop beating the monkey.. save the fishes!

this is a real lame post… posted by a girl… who thinks her life is awesome because she hangs out with guys who think girls are made for xxx…

littlenick wrote:
That’s what the IRS says. But they have tried.

Well, they gave it a break. Well, It has two nuts for best friends, lives right next door to an a**hole, 90 percent of the time is just hanging around not doing anything, 10 percent of the time is so hard up that it works so hard that it ends up getting sick that it end up throwing up all over the place!

littlenick wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
yea..it can also happen more than once a month and its embarrassing if someone else has to clean the sheets

nobody said being a guy is easy:)

Specially when you wake up with birds perched on it!

littlenick wrote:
The morning hard on!

littlenick wrote:
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor.

The doctor said, “Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself.”

So he went out and bought a starter pistol.
Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in. Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor.

The doctor asked him how it went. He said, “Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my d**k, s**t on my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up.”

OOOOMMMMGGGG!!!!

WTF MATE?!?!?

You came too close to revealing it. Lol.

Ur jokes rock though… ROTFLOL and PIP

pip=peeing in pants.

piyop=pee in your own pants

lol

:)

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

littlenick wrote:
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

Ok i gotta hand it to you. That’s funny!

AHHHHH HAAAAAAAAAA

sideflip wrote:

littlenick wrote:
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

Ok i gotta hand it to you. That’s funny!

You said “hand” in your comment!!! you little funnyman!!!

I’ve heard that one before too..

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! omg!!!

:D

Where do u get this stuff?

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”

He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “So I can get it enlarged.”

That’s just nasty. lol

If he told you he would then have to kill you

Jew Jitsu wrote:
Where do u get this stuff?

Central wrote:
If he told you he would then have to kill you

Jew Jitsu wrote:
Where do u get this stuff?

:D

Okay then

Why do dwarfs laugh while they play the soccer?

- Because the grass tickles their balls!

HAHA Nick… btw what happened to the raype post?? Did my comments get put up?

WOW!!!! !~)

A guy who’s a real cheapskate walks into a public port-a-potty.

He’s about to take a crap and before he does he sees a dollar in there.

He’s wondering if he should stick his hand in there to try to get it and even if it’s worth it to put his hand in there for 1 dollar.

Well, he takes out a $20 bill out of his wallet and throws it in there with the crap, the grime and the piss.

Then he says to himself, “now $21 dollars is worth it!” and sticks his hand in there to retrieve the money!

LOLZ

dogsluvr9 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
this is a real lame post… posted by a girl… who thinks her life is awesome because she hangs out with guys who think girls are made for xxx…

umm i dont think my life is awesom cuz i hang out with guys…wow…i hang out with alot of girls 2 and u dont even know me… so wow…and those guys are really sweet and i can trust them with anything…dont talk bad about them

dont worry about anon, she probably just has a lot of sand in her privates and cant get it out. i thought this post was really funny, and nice break from all the depression stories/breakdowns etc.

dogsluvr9 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
this is a real lame post… posted by a girl… who thinks her life is awesome because she hangs out with guys who think girls are made for xxx…

umm i dont think my life is awesom cuz i hang out with guys…wow…i hang out with alot of girls 2 and u dont even know me… so wow…and those guys are really sweet and i can trust them with anything…dont talk bad about them

“So wow” aren’t I sooo cool? Whatever… -.-

littlenick wrote:
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”

He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “So I can get it enlarged.”

hahahahahahaha! That one is pretty hilarious.

i think they just want to feel important… guys are sensetive in very weird ways. call them fat and they’ll forget about it in a heartbeat, but if they build a fire and the last log wont burn, they take it very personally. and did you know people like hitler and that guy who fed ppl to his pigs both had down there disfunctions? many suspect that if guys dont have perfect performance they prove their manhood by showing how tough they can be. guys are strange, we must learn to accept it. as for girl’s period, they varry ALOT. my friend has them relly light for about three days, with massive cramps, while her sister has really heavy periods but horrid cramps only on the first day. some girls get pms way worse than others, and some really cannot control it. (but pms is still never an excuse for being a complete **** to people.)

btw littlenick, once again, fabulous comedy gold, you bring laughter into the hearts of all. unless they dont get the joke in which, well, you tried. bravo.

littlenick wrote:
A guy who’s a real cheapskate walks into a public port-a-potty.

He’s about to take a crap and before he does he sees a dollar in there.

He’s wondering if he should stick his hand in there to try to get it and even if it’s worth it to put his hand in there for 1 dollar.

Well, he takes out a $20 bill out of his wallet and throws it in there with the crap, the grime and the piss.

Then he says to himself, “now $21 dollars is worth it!” and sticks his hand in there to retrieve the money!

Fine don’t tell me where you get this stuff…

Jew Jitsu wrote:

littlenick wrote:
A guy who’s a real cheapskate walks into a public port-a-potty.

He’s about to take a crap and before he does he sees a dollar in there.

He’s wondering if he should stick his hand in there to try to get it and even if it’s worth it to put his hand in there for 1 dollar.

Well, he takes out a $20 bill out of his wallet and throws it in there with the crap, the grime and the piss.

Then he says to himself, “now $21 dollars is worth it!” and sticks his hand in there to retrieve the money!

Fine don’t tell me where you get this stuff…

woooooooooooow nick… i think part of the fun is that he’s our source. i always look forward to his replies… lol

Reverse psychology.

Central wrote:
Reverse psychology.

indeed.

funny jokes..lol.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

Hahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahh aahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

brilliant.

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you’ll get in heaven.

So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.

The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari.

The third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.

Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, “I saw my wife the other day” and the first guy said “yeah, so” and the third guy said “she was riding a freaking skateboard!!!”

littlenick wrote:
One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you’ll get in heaven.

So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes.

The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari.

The third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.

Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, “I saw my wife the other day” and the first guy said “yeah, so” and the third guy said “she was riding a freaking skateboard!!!”

again, brilliant. kudos for good humor

heard that one before..use to tell it all the time!