depression help: Removed. - Help.com

Almost that time again.

Almost my birthday… A chance to review my life. “Sorry no poem yet folks, too bloody tired”.

Birth - 6 years old: Don’t remember a lot, remember where i lived though, and that i was quite a happy little kid actually, growing up in a stable family somewhere in a dead hole of a village.

[Moved house].

6-12, primary school, most horible time of my life. Pretty much beaten to **** daily, thrown infront of busses. chestnut shells being thrown in my face / neck till i bled heavily, then spat upon by the people that threw them. I’m trying hard to forget this time, to pretend i was in a coma for 6 years. But sadly this is a burden i’ll always have to cary.

12-15. Mid school. Had ups and downs here, some moments really good, and none extremely bad, Maybe short of a few fistfights. But i’m still here so.

16-19. College. Succeded in getting a degree in network administration. But did this alone, used to flee the campus during breaks, Afraid of a repeat of primary school. So it’s there that the damage was done.

19-20. Nothing… Sat at home and did nothing for a year. Waiting on a test from college to come in so i could move on, Slept a lot during this time, Lost a ton of weight to the edge of quite simply dropping dead.

20-21 (and a half). University. Business administration level 5. “Highest” Did fairly well during the first 6 months. Then i realised it was mostly programming and i had no intentions to becomming a programmer, So i switched to a diferent program in the same study. This is where i ended up in a project group of 4 friends. “So 4 friends of eachother + me”. 2 of these guys had the mental capacity which is below that of a small child. one was a poker addict. and the last a self proclaimed martial art expert “He had black belt in karate but not the calmness of mind that’s supposed to come with it.” This is where i was threatend with death daily. “Do my work or you’re going out the window.” “Do my job or i’ll break your ******* neck.” On multiple occasions i suffered injuries from being kicked down stairs and such. Till the point where i packed a rather moddest array of weapons. combat knives, throwing knives. And even rope to strangle him with “Should all else fail”, this ended up in me putting a knife to his throaght, and him trying to kicked me through a 4th story window. We both ended up rather injured.

I went to the uni council, to get sighned out. I just couldn’t handle it anymore, my mind was racing though 2 choices, 1. Kill him and all his friends. 2. Kill myself. So i decided to leave. Got me in debt as goverment punishes uni dropouts.

21-22. At home again, alone. this lasted about a year, during this year i drank more then usual “Far more”. And attempted to commit suicide twice. I also mutilated myself “Cutting / slashing / stabbing”. When at some point my father cought me trying to slid my wrists, i went to the doctor.

Doctor. i got send to the mental healthcare organisation which got me to wait 3 months, For nothing as it only made me feel more depressed. I went to a private psychologist. He helped me a bit but not as much as i had hoped for.

22-now. Back to college for a degree in system administration, So i’m specialised in 2 diferent aspects of it.

And now i’m nearly 23, no friends, no relationship. Demons from my past still eating me away inside, and no real prospect for the future.

This is my year of evalutation, should i be in this situation next year. I will make my choice, stay or go. Live or die.

2011 will be my year of remembrance. Unless i find a way to crawl out of this hole.

I guess this is a cry for help.

Legion.