SMiLe :)
~Funny Quotes~
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Prejudices are what fools use for reason.
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.
The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
The measure of a man is what he does with power.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Ponderisms~
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally :)
Something from the men!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
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