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I know its supposed to be part of my job as a paramedic, but more and more often images pop into my head of people I’ve tried to help.
Specifically Images of the ones I couldn’t. My heart breaks a little more each call. Being a woman in my field I have to present myself as tougher than the guys to keep them from being distrustful of my ability. I’m not going all womens lib, but simply acknowledging a fact. I sadly judge other women the same. But when I come home, or close my eyes I cant push it away anymore. I’ve been doing this job for years just fine, and one day, they all just started bobbing to the surface. I feel guilty and helpless. I’m also angry at myself for being such a… well a wuss to be frank. Today my mind keeps creeping back to this one girl all I can see is her eyes.. Little blue eyes. she was five and had been raped by someone that was supposed to be safe, someone that was supposed to love her and help her…. when did the world become such a bad place… she didn’t cry she just looked blank. I cant fix that, there isn’t a band-aid or a drug or a word to fix that. And I cant stop myself from crying just thinking about her. I’m screwed up and all I did was care for her. that poor girl. I now understand what the lifers were talking about when I first started. They told me if I wasn’t careful that I would get “burnt out”… Was this what they ment?
This open post was written 3 weeks, 1 day ago | V/U/S: 60, 2, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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