i am at the end of my rope

This post left anonymously

i am at the end of my rope

I came from overseas 6 years ago to do my bachelors in brisbane. I was at the top of my social ladder back where i come from but life had a different lesson for me. We sold all our assets to get me and my family here. So i took it upon me to be the responsible one in the family. I sacrificed my social life to do well at uni and i did. My dad died when i was 12 and like any other family we hid the main reason of demise from the outside world. We told everyone that it was a cardiac arrest but in real it was huntington’s chorea. The thought of me having my dads disease never used to bother me before. I
finished my degree in brisbane and moved to sydney for work. Life was good, i had all the money and the women in the world but even then i earned for something more. I thought i was invincible so i decided to face the demons of my past. I started looking up huntingtons chorea and it didnt effect me. Eventually i got 2 big for my shoes and got fired from my dream job
3 years back. During this time i had to change my residence and i lost my beloved roommates and in return i got roommates from hell. I still stay with them. My mum has moved in with me. We share the same room and she chokes me to death every
second. I hated being in my room and now i find it hard to even get out of it. Losing that job must have triggered something within me that i had no control over and it was downward spiral for ever since. I havent worked for the past 3 years and i got into drugs. I dont even enjoy doing things which i once used to enjoy. Even getting out of the bed is chore for me. I used to be into bodybuilding and after getting fired i lost my motivation to go to the gym. I used to eat 5-6
times a day and now life is a drag. I used to love talking about anything and everything. Once i started to get talking i wouldnt stop but now saying hello feels like a chore. Eversince i have discovered huntingtons my attitude has changed to why bother. I think i have depression but dont have the money to get it diagnosed. Somedays i snap out of it and somedays i cant. Its hard for me to be stable. When i stop thinking about the issues that bring me down makes me feel better but sooner or later i find myself back in the hole that i have dug for myself. I dont know how to snap out of it. My best friend thinks i am weird and shy coz he has never seen me the way i used to be. He hasnt left my sight for the past 2 years
and tries everything to make me snap out of it. I play along being shy coz i dont have the strentgh to tell him i have been in depression all this time. He keeps thinking i will snap out of it and he makes a believer out of me. If i start living
my life again would it help me snap out this hell. When i am with my friends i am normal but as soon as i get home something takes over. I spend days thinking about my demise and when my best friend gets back home from work we do drugs.
During the day i keep smoking ciggies to relax my nerves but it doesnt help anymore and has made me an addict. I have lost my interest in girls and struggling from depression for all these years i have started believing i cant get out no matter what i do. I have given up on socialising one thing i used to love doing. I understand why this is happening but i dont know how to get out of it or will i ever get out of this so i keep thinking about the alternatives.

This open post was written 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 68, 4, 3 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Anonymous edited this post 3 weeks ago. Read the previous text »

hello,
I came from overseas 6 years ago to do my bachelors in brisbane. I was at the top of my social ladder back where i come from but life had a different lesson for me. We sold all our assets to get me and my family here. So i took it upon me to be the responsible one in the family. I sacrificed my social life to do well at uni and i did. My dad died when i was 12 and like any other family we hid the main reason of demise from the outside world. We told everyone that it was a cardiac arrest but in real it was huntington’s chorea. The thought of me having my dads disease never used to bother me before. I
finished my degree in brisbane and moved to sydney for work. Life was good, i had all the money and the women in the world but even then i earned for something more. I thought i was invincible so i decided to face the demons of my past. I started looking up huntingtons chorea and it didnt effect me. Eventually i got 2 big for my shoes and got fired from my dream job
3 years back. During this time i had to change my residence and i lost my beloved roommates and in return i got roommates from hell. I still stay with them. My mum has moved in with me. We share the same room and she chokes me to death every
second. I hated being in my room and now i find it hard to even get out of it. Losing that job must have triggered something within me that i had no control over and it was downward spiral for ever since. I havent worked for the past 3 years and i got into drugs. I dont even enjoy doing things which i once used to enjoy. Even getting out of the bed is chore for me. I used to be into bodybuilding and after getting fired i lost my motivation to go to the gym. I used to eat 5-6
times a day and now life is a drag. I used to love talking about anything and everything. Once i started to get talking i wouldnt stop but now saying hello feels like a chore. Eversince i have discovered huntingtons my attitude has changed to why bother. I think i have depression but dont have the money to get it diagnosed. Somedays i snap out of it and somedays i cant. Its hard for me to be stable. When i stop thinking about the issues that bring me down makes me feel better but sooner or later i find myself back in the hole that i have dug for myself. I dont know how to snap out of it. My best friend thinks i am weird and shy coz he has never seen me the way i used to be. He hasnt left my sight for the past 2 years
and tries everything to make me snap out of it. I play along being shy coz i dont have the strentgh to tell him i have been in depression all this time. He keeps thinking i will snap out of it and he makes a believer out of me. If i start living
my life again would it help me snap out this hell. When i am with my friends i am normal but as soon as i get home something takes over. I spend days thinking about my demise and when my best friend gets back home from work we do drugs.
During the day i keep smoking ciggies to relax my nerves but it doesnt help anymore and has made me an addict. I have lost my interest in girls and struggling from depression for all these years i have started believing i cant get out no matter what i do. I have given up on socialising one thing i used to love doing. I understand why this is happening but i dont know how to get out of it or will i ever get out of this so i keep thinking about the alternatives.

Sasha101 6 #
An Undisclosed Location | 3 weeks ago (2 hours, 10 minutes after post)

Ok Ill shoot from the hip on this one, Ive been where you are hon, and take it from me, you can see counselors,you can take anti depressants but in the long run its all down to you to get yourself out of it. Depression is like a black hole and if you don’t climb out there is nobody else that can do it for you. Stop thinking negative thoughts, find yourself a job, which will get you out every day. Find a social outlet, put on a happy face, people tend to shy away from someone with a unhappy attitude.
Next time you go to a store, try smiling at someone when you walk past them, nine times out of ten that person will smile back at you. People are drawn to happy people, haven’t you ever had that feeling yourself ? Watch comedy t.v, read funny books switch your negativity to something positive, only you can do this.TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND !! :-)

Help me with: READ, LEARN AND BE AWARE !

vivzofwale 5 #
An Unknown Location | 3 weeks ago (9 hours, 11 minutes after post)

the good news is, you HAVE been at a great position in life. that simply means you are completely capable and you can do it all over again. there are many people who can only DREAM of achieving half of the things that you do. it’s already there, it just needs to be tapped. :)

Help me with: need help figuring myself out..

Anonymous #
2 weeks, 5 days ago (2 days, 2 hours after post)

the only issue bringing me down is this depression. what if its an early onset of huntingtons. i am scared to find that out. I dont want to put my family and friends through this…i cant…what about my future wife and kids…i cant put any other human beings life to waste coz of this disease…its not in me…n i wont..i cant bring myself to accept that

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