dump him, he is using you and walking all over you, you are worth more than that.
Thank you so much for reading it :) I didn’t think anyone would because it’s so long!!!
I know that, if this post was written by a stranger, I’d give them the same advice. I don’t think he’s using me, though, and at the very least, he’s not using me on purpose. I don’t know. I know it’s very hypocritical to ask for advice and then disregard the advice given, and maybe you’re right… I can’t convince myself he’s using me though. He always tells me that he’s not.
turner.bell invited 21 users to read this post 2 weeks, 4 days ago.
i know what you mean, it seems we can give advice but not follow it ourselves, i am the same, i know i should move on and get over my ex, i just cant, its so hard. he is online right now, but will not talk to me, he never even really told me it was over, he just stopped all contact. it hurts but we have to get away from the things that hurt us, we deserve to be happy and you are definately not happy with him, thats how it sounds anyway, there is some out there who will treat you better, but at the min, it seems he is showing you no respect.
He is not thinking about anyone but himself. You have to change that. Tell him being in a relationship is work and you are doing all the work and it is his turn.
ATearFromHeaven wrote:
i know what you mean, it seems we can give advice but not follow it ourselves, i am the same, i know i should move on and get over my ex, i just cant, its so hard. he is online right now, but will not talk to me, he never even really told me it was over, he just stopped all contact. it hurts but we have to get away from the things that hurt us, we deserve to be happy and you are definately not happy with him, thats how it sounds anyway, there is some out there who will treat you better, but at the min, it seems he is showing you no respect.
Oh I’m so so sorry :( that’s absolutely terrible. I hope you realize that you are better than that :) I hope you find someone who treats you right!!!!
Dr. Ralph’s Beard wrote:
He is not thinking about anyone but himself. You have to change that. Tell him being in a relationship is work and you are doing all the work and it is his turn.
But what I don’t understand is… If he loves me, why wouldn’t he want to do the work? Why wouldn’t he think of me? All I ever do is think about him. I always try to make him as happy as possible. And he says that all he wants is for me to be happy… but he doesn’t do it. Why? He gives plenty of reasons: he says that it’s been so long since he was in a relationship before me that he doesn’t know how to act. He says that we’ve been together for so long that he forgets to try. He says that I’m just a naturally better lover than him, and that I instinctively know what to do (because I’ve never been in a relationship before, but he has). I try telling him that when people are in love, they can’t help but act the way I do… I’ve seen other people act the way I do… but he says he really does love me. I don’t understand :(
I mean he sounds like a jerk…but maybe it’s something weird like he seriously has some kind of mental disorder. Maybe he’s a pathological liar and he really believes his lies and needs help!
Either way, it seems like he doesn’t care when he hurts you, intentional or not.
steff wrote:
I mean he sounds like a jerk…but maybe it’s something weird like he seriously has some kind of mental disorder. Maybe he’s a pathological liar and he really believes his lies and needs help!
Either way, it seems like he doesn’t care when he hurts you, intentional or not.
Hehe I doubt he has a mental disorder but that would explain a lot :D
He acts like he cares when he hurts me… sometimes he overreacts. Although he has told me before that sometimes he feels like he should feel sorry when he does things, but he doesn’t actually feel sorry, so he just pretends to be. I can’t tell now if he’s being genuine, although he says he doesn’t do that anymore. But I know he does do it sometimes. I always forgive him though so I think even when he does feel sorry, after I forgive him, he thinks it doesn’t matter anymore.
“I text him good morning and good night every day, but some days he won’t respond. If I go online and he’s online, too, I get so excited when I finally get to talk to him! I’ll IM him, and he’ll say hi and that his day was good, and then he’ll suddenly disappear for two hours. When he finally comes back, he’ll say, “Sorry baby, I got distracted. I was playing Mario. It’s really late now I’m going to go to bed. I love you.””
I’m in a long-distance relationship too and I TOTALLY get this part. I know my boyfriend loves me and doesn’t mean to “ignore” me online but it still hurts me. He’s gotten better because I give him specific examples and he knows where I am sensitive. Sounds like you have talked to him about this, but keep trying.
There is definately Love in the Air …That is what the World makes us go around for and love them ..Leave them…Hate them..Have Children with them…Oh what a wonderful World..Next Time make it a bit shorter…
steff wrote:
“I text him good morning and good night every day, but some days he won’t respond. If I go online and he’s online, too, I get so excited when I finally get to talk to him! I’ll IM him, and he’ll say hi and that his day was good, and then he’ll suddenly disappear for two hours. When he finally comes back, he’ll say, “Sorry baby, I got distracted. I was playing Mario. It’s really late now I’m going to go to bed. I love you.””
I’m in a long-distance relationship too and I TOTALLY get this part. I know my boyfriend loves me and doesn’t mean to “ignore” me online but it still hurts me. He’s gotten better because I give him specific examples and he knows where I am sensitive. Sounds like you have talked to him about this, but keep trying.
i disagree, i was in a long distance relationship and beore we broke up he never ignored me, he was always there to chat, even if it was a 10 min hello, he would go offline and disappear sometimes but it was because he got disconnected, never coz he was playing some game!
ATearFromHeaven wrote:
steff wrote:
“I text him good morning and good night every day, but some days he won’t respond. If I go online and he’s online, too, I get so excited when I finally get to talk to him! I’ll IM him, and he’ll say hi and that his day was good, and then he’ll suddenly disappear for two hours. When he finally comes back, he’ll say, “Sorry baby, I got distracted. I was playing Mario. It’s really late now I’m going to go to bed. I love you.””
I’m in a long-distance relationship too and I TOTALLY get this part. I know my boyfriend loves me and doesn’t mean to “ignore” me online but it still hurts me. He’s gotten better because I give him specific examples and he knows where I am sensitive. Sounds like you have talked to him about this, but keep trying.
i disagree, i was in a long distance relationship and beore we broke up he never ignored me, he was always there to chat, even if it was a 10 min hello, he would go offline and disappear sometimes but it was because he got disconnected, never coz he was playing some game!
you’re really lucky.
steff wrote:
ATearFromHeaven wrote:
steff wrote:
“I text him good morning and good night every day, but some days he won’t respond. If I go online and he’s online, too, I get so excited when I finally get to talk to him! I’ll IM him, and he’ll say hi and that his day was good, and then he’ll suddenly disappear for two hours. When he finally comes back, he’ll say, “Sorry baby, I got distracted. I was playing Mario. It’s really late now I’m going to go to bed. I love you.””
I’m in a long-distance relationship too and I TOTALLY get this part. I know my boyfriend loves me and doesn’t mean to “ignore” me online but it still hurts me. He’s gotten better because I give him specific examples and he knows where I am sensitive. Sounds like you have talked to him about this, but keep trying.
i disagree, i was in a long distance relationship and beore we broke up he never ignored me, he was always there to chat, even if it was a 10 min hello, he would go offline and disappear sometimes but it was because he got disconnected, never coz he was playing some game!
you’re really lucky.
i am and arent, if the guy is remotely interested in you, you will have his attention, i think its disrespectful to ignore someone and start playing com games, yes i played cards and listened to music while i was chatting to him and he did the same no doubt, but our convo always came first, we never ignored each other
Definitely.
Turner.bell, I think you know what most people will say here. That you should leave him, that he is being a d***** etc and I know it probably all washes over your head because you are in love with him. I get that. But the thing is, it just sounds like this guy is with you for the sake of being with someone and not because he is in love with you like you are with him. That’s why every time you express your concerns and disappointments he reacts apologetically and overreacts even. It’s because he feels as though you are threatening to leave, and he doesn’t want that because he’d rather be with you than alone. Well, that’s what it sounds like to me anyway.
Really what it comes down to is this. Why be in a relationship that is so one sided? Do you honestly think that you could spend the rest of your life with this guy, have his children, live with him day in, day out? Unless you answer 100% positively to these questions, without a single doubt come into mind (even if that doubt lasts a split second) then I really do say it’s time you broke up with him. There is no point in staying with somebody and trying to get them to act a certain way if they don’t already. He is what he is with you, and if what you say is true, that he ignores you online and does not go out of his way to please you, then you should not stay around a moment longer.
People deserve more than this kind of treatment and I really think a lot of us sell ourselves short because we all fear not being able to find somebody right for us. That we think that calling us everyday, acting in a caring and thoughtful manner and demonstrating their love through actions is too much to ask. It is not, and we should never settle for anything less.
Only YOU know what you want and what is right. But that said, a person in love often overlooks the bigger picture because, as the old adage goes love is blind, and this is so true. Sure it is horrible to be alone, to breakup with someone you love, and I understand why nobody would want to do this. But is it worth staying in a semi-fulfilling relationship, never feeling truly loved and appreciated?
What you said scares me Abba Zabba because some part of me is telling me that exact same thing :)
When I’m away from him, I look at our relationship and I get upset. But when I’m with him, I always forget why I was mad at him, and all I want to do is love him and forgive him for everything :) you know? But I’ll get to see him this weekend, and I’ll try not to forget, and I’ll talk to him and try to make him think about our relationship. Because he says he loves me, and I’ve asked him about it before, because he knows that I doubt him sometimes.
He sent me this text once: “Baby you’re just so unbelievably perfect that I can’t compare and I know it seems like I don’t love you but I do more than anyone in the entire world and I don’t know why you love me but I’m glad you do because I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I want so badly to believe that’s true!!!!! I don’t doubt that he meant it, but sometimes I wonder if he isn’t lying to himself… if he really means what he’s saying, but what he’s saying isn’t true and he just doesn’t realize it… Because I can tell he means it when he says, “I love you,” but he doesn’t act like it.
Good luck t.bell, try to stay strong and let us know what happens.
Thank you so much you guys :) you’re what’s keeping me going here
He loves how you make him feel and what you do for him. He does not really love you or he would be looking for things to do for you to make you feel better…
Well… I just talked to him over AIM :-/ I’m not sure how to feel… here I’ll go through and post snippets.
Okay so basically I told him how I was upset, how it didn’t seem like he loves me, blah blah blah… I told him not to just fly off the handle and say “OF COURSE I LOVE YOU WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT” and get all upset. I told him to think about it and not say sorry or anything and just calmly state what he thought about what I had said. He said this:
Him: ive thought about for so long whether or not i was trying to love you
or if i just plain did
and i realized that for a while like at first i was trying to
and failing
but then when you started to see things being better and picking up
was when i decided not to worry about it and just enjoy my time with you and not stress over it and just enjoy… you 
and then without even realizing it i think i fell in love with you
and then i thought about it and i had a whole new mentality
and a lot of weird things wet through my mind and i wasnt sure about anything bc i had so many thoughts
but i knew somethingwas different
and it wasnt like i met criteria and i crossed a line or anything it just felt like i automatically loved you
just instinctively
and it just makes me sad that its still not enough
and it makes me give MYSELF a big frowny face bc i deserve one
and you dont deserve me
(my treatment)
and actions
and im not good enough tov deserve you
bc you ARE perfect
baby i just dont say those things tobe obnoxious
its the undisputed truth in my mind
and i feel like i show you when youre here and tell you when yourre not how much i love you
but when youre not here it always feels like im failing and youre not
and i just feel so ashamed of myself constabtly 
Me: im just confused baby
i feel like ive been confused the whole time we were together
i guess that’s bc you were confused huh?
Him: and i feel so bad about that
bc its my fault
and ive been trying to set things straight as well
Me: i know you have
Him: and the fact that youvre been so confused and nervous
is my doing
and i shouldnt have put you in that position
but im going to figure it out and solve this
And a little while later:
Him: ill think about this
i do all the time
thats actually all ive been thinking about for a solid yr
Me: me too
do you love me?
Him:yes
there was a certain point where it hit me
aand i didnt have to think about it
Me: when?
Him: im not sure anymore
everything just kind of melded
Me: i dont want you to love me by habit
Him: no
it happened when io stopped trying
Me: why’d you try in the first place?
Him: bc it didnt feel exactly like i did but i felt like i knew i should bc you were perfect on paper so to speak
Me: well that’s stupid
Him: sry baby
i didnt mean felt like i should
bc thats like forced
i meant that i wanted to
Me: well it was forced
Him: and i predicted i would
it wasnt that i was forcing myself to
it was that i was trying to bc i wanted to
you see the difference?
Me: not really
Him: it wasnt something i felt i had to do
therefore forcing myself
it was something i wanted to do
so i tried
its had to vs wanted to
and forced vs tried
i wanted to and tried
still not natural like it is now
(and i know you dont believe me)
Me: no i do
And this came right after what I said in my previous post, but this is where I start getting confused:
Him: no you dont stop that
baby i thought i wasnt doing that anymore btw
Me: no i do
seriously
that’s the most sense you’ve made this entire time
Him: stop!
you dont
Me: YOU STOP
i do
baby every other time iv’e questioned you
you havent made much sense
Him: dont tell me that you belueve that bc otherwise we wouldnt be having this discussion
Me: no because every other time you didnt make sense and afterwards my questions werent resolved
this actually seems to fit
what i’ve been feeling
Him: well i hope this makes sense bc its exactly what has filled my mind constantly for a loong time now
Me: i wish you had told me
Him: i wanted it to come to an end first
but its still mind boggling
i know i just love you naturally withoutn even thinking about it
but i still continue to think
Me: is it at an end now?
Him: no
and its not doubt
i dont know what it is
its better than my previous thoughts
Me: well thats good i guess
Him: ive actually been having worry thoughts
Me: what do you mean worry thoughts?
Him: like worrying about you
like if something were to happen to you
which is apparent i assume
Me: yes i’ve noticed that
Him: and ive thought about what if i go back to the way i was when i was trying to love her
and what if im acting that way again
but i think i should just not worry about that and love you naturally
like i instinctively know i do
hmmm, I don’t know what to say after all that.
I think it seems like he really does love you (you never doubted that), and he feels bad that he keeps having to prove it? But I think you need to give him examples like you did to us. Boys and girls are different and love differently and I think you should really talk about what’s important to each of you to make you feel loved.
But that’s the problem. I HAVE given him examples. I’ve told him exactly what bothers me and what doesn’t. He doesn’t understand WHY what he did was a problem. He just feels bad that I feel bad about it.
And after that, he started telling me not to worry about anything, that he’d straighten everything out, that he’s sorry for the past and he feels awful that he hurt me like that and that he wishes he could make up for it and that he can’t get over how he did all that to me… He said he thinks he didn’t love me right off the bat because we were friends first, and he had to separate the “friend” me from the “girlfriend” me…
Me: but im NOT separate
i’m the same
not a different person
Him: i mean in terms of how i see you
Me: but why did you need to do that?
Him: i didnt need to
i just did
Me: but why did you WANT to?
you said you wanted to love me so you tried
and it didnt work
it’s like someone who decides to start drinking coffee bc they need the caffine
they dont like the taste
but they drink it till they can stand it
because they want to
and eventually maybe they like the taste
but wouldnt it have been better if they had just liked it right off the bat?
there are other things that would have been better
THAT’S what bothers me
Him: but there wasnt anyone better than you!
Me: i’m your coffee
Him: NO
Me: yes
Him: no youre not
i shouldnt have even said tried
i shouldnt have even tried to explain it
bc i say the wrong things
and you get the wrong impressions
Me: i need you to explain it baby
Him: I cant
not now
not yet
Me: will you ever be able to?
how am i just supposed to sit back and not worry about anything
lke nothing was ever wrong
how am i supposed to sit back and trust you when
well you werent really lying to me
you just werent telling me the truth i suppose
right?
i don’t even know what was going on
Him: all i can tell you for sure is that no matter what you believe, or what problems i had or the reasons for any of my previous actions, i love you with all my heart and no one will be better for me than you
and i will try to figure out what i was thinking before
and why i wasnt loving you like you were me
And then this part happened and I have NO idea what he was talking about here:
Me: i dont know why you pretended
that seems a little
Him: i wasnt pretending
before you said something was bothering you
i thought i did
and thought you knew that
Me: what?
Him: but then when you started to tell me that you felt like i didnt love you i started second-guessing everything i did and the way i was acting and i would say well if i dont talk to her for this amount of time is she going to think i dont love her and all sorts of stupid little things
and then i started to feel worse and worse about the way i was acting and how upset you got
and so i would literally spend like an hour at a time sitting and thinking and zoning
thinking about that
and then i got into this game of trying to “figure out” whether or not i loved you even though i thought i did
bc apparently i wasnt acting like it
so it was bugging me like what about me needed to make it more obvious that i did
or perhaps what did i need to do in order to love you if i didnt
and then i kind of didnt really know what to think about it all
Me: if you didnt you should have just dumped me
that wasnt fair
Him: but i didnt want anyone else
i still wanted to be with you though
Me: so you kept me believing that you loved me
so that i wouldnt leave you
so some day
when you eventually loved me
id still be with you
Him: no no i wanted to be with you
baby you see?!
im trying to figure out what was going on and what i was thinking
bc i dont even know!
Me: i know
Him: and no matter what i come up with as to any kind of rationality
for any of it
you always say something like that…
Me: i know its all my fault
Him: which isnt how i thought of it t all
no i didnt say that either!
its all mine!
i cant do this
i need to think more
baby i love you and i dont even know what to say about this problem
i dont even know what it is concretely
or what the reason for it is
like i feel like im just talking! and not saying anything
bc i dont know anything!
and im sorry
but then i shouldnt be sorry
like i dont know whats going on even
i just love you and want to be with tyou
theres no better match than us
i dont think anyway
Me: yeah but you’ve thought a lot of things
Him: i love you so much
Me: i love you too
Him: and i dont want it to be any more complicated than that
Me: i think it’s on the way to resolving itself
hopefully
Him: baby i dont even know what IT is
Me: i dont either!!!!!!!!
Him: besides “the problem”
which i cant identify
so i cant properly explain myself
bc i didnt know i had to
And then this happened:
Him: and if you asked me before
id say i loved you
bc i thought i did
which means i did!
right?
Me: no it doesnt!!!!!!!!!!!!
no
no no no no no nono
that makes no sense
f***
Him: i think it makes 100% sense
no one can tell me if i love you
bc i know how i feel about you
and love isnt a defined thing where you need to meet certain criteria
so if i feel love for you
which i did
and do
why wouldnt i love you
And then a little while later:
Him: baby
know that i dont take my previous actions lightly
know that ill never forgive myself for them so you know that i know i ****** up
and speaking presently
i love you so much and i dont care what else happens to me
i just dont want to lose you
Me: im quite miserable at the moment
but you wont
Him: are you miserable with me?
because of me rather?
Me: no its fine
Him: dont say that
Me: im trying to figure out how i should be feeling at the moment
but this is good
Him: im trying to figure out what started this and why were upset
and what IT is
and what the solution could possibly be
ill do as much as you want
baby
how have i been recently
do you know i love you
Me: yeah
did that just start recently?
Him: no
thats what was puzzling me
have i been bad recently?
Me: no you’ve been good recently
it seems like somethings different

you seem like you actually care 
Him: i think i know what it is
Me: what?
Him: its that love
the kind of unconditional love that is assumed and makes me cry every time i think about just how much i love you

(like now)
See, the problem with him is that he’s very charismatic. He can talk anyone into anything. Lots of times, he’ll do things that don’t upset me while they’re happening, because I’m just so mesmerized by him that I don’t notice that what’s going on isn’t fair. Whenever I’m with him, or whenever I’m talking to him, he always wins me over and I forget about what I was mad about in the first place. When I’m not with him/talking to him, and I look at his actions, I see how awful it is and I get upset. When I go to talk to him about why I’m upset, I see that he didn’t do it on purpose, and I forgive him, and I forget how I could ever be upset with him in the first place.
steff invited 8 users to read this post 2 weeks, 4 days ago.
I don’t think he should have told you about how he struggled with his feelings in the beginning of the relationship…I don’t think that did any good. But how long ago was that?
Well see that’s what I don’t know!!! He never actually said when it was that he stopped trying to love me. I don’t know how recent that was, but it sounds like he was talking about somewhere around June.
See, our relationship started because I started having feelings for him, but my best friend was completely obsessed with him, so I just repressed those feelings and figured I’d find someone when I got to college (this was the end of my senior year in high school). He started flirting with me a TON, which made my best friend begin to hate me, even though I wasn’t flirting back with him. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He was romantically involved with another girl, but they weren’t going out because she was friends with my best friend, and they didn’t want to cause drama. He was also still talking to his ex. He finally kissed me for the first time at my graduation party (it was a sleepover, and I was asleep on the couch, and he came over and slept next to me. He doesn’t remember that this happened, though, which is unfortunate because it was my first kiss ever).
So, for the entire summer, he led on me, his ex, and the girl he was having a fling with. He played us all against each other. He kept going on and on about how we kept making out but that it didn’t mean anything, but he knew I liked him. I didn’t realize that this was happening at the time. Me and him weren’t going out, and he told me that he and I had to remain a secret. But he was my best guy friend, and I wanted to believe he wouldn’t do something like that. Plus, I wanted to believe he liked me as much as I liked him, even though I had a funny feeling something wasn’t right.
When we got to college, he came and visited me a few times. He pushed me to be physical with him, but he refused to reciprocate (he still won’t most of the time). I wasn’t ready to be physical, but again, I was naive and thought it would make him like me. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal. I told myself he wasn’t forcing me into it, so it was fine. Looking back on it, he definitely did force me into it. It still bothers me.
I couldn’t take it anymore and told him I had a crush on him about a month into the school year. He told me he liked me, too. I was so happy; it was the first time someone had ever told me they liked me. But, since we weren’t going out, he asked me if it would be okay if he made out with his ex or his fling if they ever came to visit him at school. He said it wouldn’t mean as much with them as it did with me.
In about December, he told me that he’d consider us a couple. I was thrilled, of course. But he said we still had to keep it a secret, because he didn’t want to cause drama.
In about January, I found out that he had told his (cheating) ex girlfriend as recently as October that he wanted to go back out with her.
He told me he loved me on Valentine’s day.
He told me that we didn’t have to be a secret anymore a few weeks later, because his ex had found out about us, so it didn’t matter anymore.
I called him crying in May, asking him if he was really sure he loved me. I told him that I knew he thought he did, but maybe he was just mistaken, because his actions never really went along with his words.
Obviously, a lot of stuff happened in between then, but that’s basically the outline of our relationship in a nutshell. We’ll have been “officially” going out on December 1st (he just picked an arbitrary date because he never actually asked me out).
oh honey, I know you love him, but he sounds like a jerk in general. You seem like a really smart, sweet girl and I think you deserve so much better. I can’t believe you put up with all that.
I can’t believe I put up with it either :( I find it sickening now. But at the time I didn’t see it that way and I didn’t understand all that was going on. It was only looking back on it that I realized how terrible it was. But I put up with it then when it was actually happening, so now that things are better, it seems like it would just be silly to lose it all now… But that happens frequently. I’ll look back on something and think, “Hey, that wasn’t cool.” But then I’ll say to myself, “Well, it’s in the past though, and he wouldn’t do something like that NOW. If he did that now, I’d dump him.” But the problem is I keep redrawing that line between past and present, and he always falls on the acceptable side of it, which I don’t think is a good thing.
And I know the only way it makes sense for him to have acted like that is if he’s a jerk, but he was my best friend before we started going out!!! How can he be a jerk? I just don’t understand. I’m so confused :(
I think he actually has used you but is now believing he loves you because he knows he will never get anyone more tolerant than you and he is afraid to loose you. You do mean a lot to him but its from what he gets from you. If you try to breakup with him he may try to change his behaviour towards you so that he doesnt have to loose you.
There are so many different types of people, and I guess you are in love with someone who has always been self centred and insensitive. He knows that and he wants to change himself so that he can have you. He doesnt want to make you happy because he loves you but rather because you love him and if you are not happy you ll leave him.
I feel if this relationship continues this way there will be no change except for small ups and downs. And in the long term you ll be miserable if you cant accept him the way he is.
When we are in love with someone we think we cant live without him/her. But if its doing us harm than good, and if we realise that I think we can get over it no matter how much it pains initially.
Things are better now than earlier because he is more dependent on your love now. It may get even better. The picture may also change anytime towards worse if he starts feeling that there is no threat of you ever leaving him or if he finds someone he feels more pleasurable and safe being with.
You should really think seriously if he matters so much to you that you ll put up with everything he does because he doesnt understand what he is doing and whether you can really tolerate so much life long.
Its a difficult decision but dont ignore it just because things are better now and taking a decision may bring more pain at this moment.
turner.bell, two words.
LEAVE HIM.
Oh god how much can I say, what else do you have to realise to convince yourself to ditch the b*stard? He is a complete dog, a user, abuser, a coward, a rat, I could go on and on. You need to just leave him. That is what you need to do. You know you do. Don’t be confused because he is sending out CLEAR signals and has been since the very first time you guys got together. HE KEPT YOU SECRET. He ASKED YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE OUT WITH OTHER GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!! How clear a message do you want that he doesn’t love you and that he is an awful, awful guy?
And you know what? I hate to say this, but the longer you stay with this guy the more you deserve all the mistreatment because you should KNOW BY NOW that the relationship is sour and that he has been using you the entire time. You need to wake up and start appreciating yourself a whole lot more than you do right now. That’s simply not good enough. You are LETTING HIM use you. Because you yourself are afraid of being alone.
When you allow yourself to be controlled by your fears and insecurities, all kinds of sh*t can and WILL happen to you, and you’ll be left wondering ‘but I don’t deserve this, why why?’. At the end of the day bad things will always happen to you, and bad people will continually use and abuse you BECAUSE you have such a low appreciation of yourself and such low self-esteem. You are afraid, whimpering over this guy who is clearly just a total snake, and you should have left him long, long ago.
No more confusion. You may love him. But you are in love with an illusion of love and safety and happiness that simply isn’t there. You need to leave him and start loving yourself. There’s not much we can do over a website to convince you. Now it’s up to you to wake up and smell the rot and end it.
Abba Zabba wrote:
turner.bell, two words.
LEAVE HIM.
Oh god how much can I say, what else do you have to realise to convince yourself to ditch the b*stard? He is a complete dog, a user, abuser, a coward, a rat, I could go on and on. You need to just leave him. That is what you need to do. You know you do. Don’t be confused because he is sending out CLEAR signals and has been since the very first time you guys got together. HE KEPT YOU SECRET. He ASKED YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE OUT WITH OTHER GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!! How clear a message do you want that he doesn’t love you and that he is an awful, awful guy?
And you know what? I hate to say this, but the longer you stay with this guy the more you deserve all the mistreatment because you should KNOW BY NOW that the relationship is sour and that he has been using you the entire time. You need to wake up and start appreciating yourself a whole lot more than you do right now. That’s simply not good enough. You are LETTING HIM use you. Because you yourself are afraid of being alone.
When you allow yourself to be controlled by your fears and insecurities, all kinds of sh*t can and WILL happen to you, and you’ll be left wondering ‘but I don’t deserve this, why why?’. At the end of the day bad things will always happen to you, and bad people will continually use and abuse you BECAUSE you have such a low appreciation of yourself and such low self-esteem. You are afraid, whimpering over this guy who is clearly just a total snake, and you should have left him long, long ago.
No more confusion. You may love him. But you are in love with an illusion of love and safety and happiness that simply isn’t there. You need to leave him and start loving yourself. There’s not much we can do over a website to convince you. Now it’s up to you to wake up and smell the rot and end it.
What she said
Yeah, Abba Zabba was harsh and to the point, but spot on. It makes me so mad that guys like him can get away with behavior like that! He needs to be taught a lession.
Abby’s his fling, Trina’s his ex, Courtney’s my roommate
Him: youre not happy
and i cant solve it
and i caused it
and its the worst feeling in the world
i want nothing more than for you to be perfectly content baby
i love you so much
Me: i dont know what to think anymore
Him: baby i wouldnt try to wrap your mind around something that neither of us can identify
i would just try to focus on the present and how much i love you and how we can continue to be perfect together regardless of my previous shortcomings
Me: stop that
i just
i feel like
i wanted you to like me
before anything happened between you and me
and then when you kissed me for the first time i thought YAAAAAY FINALLY!!!!!
and then it was like oh just kidding
so i tried to convince myself you didnt like me like you said
and i tried to convince myself that i didnt like you
and then you told me you liked me
and i was like YAAAAAY FINALLY!!!!! AGAIN!!!!!!
and then you asked me if you could make out with abby or trina if they visited
and you told courtney it was just a phase
and i dont know baby that just kept happening over and over and over
and it made it hard for me to believe you loved me when you finally said you did
you know that
but i finally told myself to just believe you
and i dont know if that was before or after you actually started loving me
Him: so you never believed it even from the beginning
Me: i really wanted to
Him: idk baby i cant really explain what i was thinking
im not even sure really
all i can do is apologize for my
idk even know what to call it
indecisevness
lack of committment
anything like that
Me: well it makes me uneasy that i was just strung along like that
and how am i supposed to know its not going to happen again?
Him: omg baby
or even that it isn’t happening right now?
you seriously think its like that?
you werent being strung along
are you serious?
Me:i wasnt?
yes i’m serious
Him: baby everyone else was being strung along
i was trying to get with you and trina and abby were like my baggage
which made it very hard
i was basically stringing them along and i wanted to officially cut their strings
but i avoided it bc i knew once they all found out i wanted you #1 which i did
theyd both blow up
which is what happened
and why i was spending an entire month fighting
and going through ****
baby i did that anyway bc i knew itd be worth it afterwards
bc id just have you
and from that moment on
i havent thought about any girl but you
baby do you know the analogy i tell my friends
i think i already told you
Me: the train one?
Him: yes
you were the train toward happiness
and all i had to do was hop off both crazy trains that wereheaded for collision and
disaster
baby you werent the ones being strung on
THEY were
and thats why they were so mad
and rightfully so
but it wasnt you
you were #1
i know that may be hard for you to believe
but its true
i wasnt trying to decide between you and them
i was trying to figure out a way to get rid of them with minimal conflict
which failed
but i didnt even care
bc it was better than holding on to them any longer
Me: not the entire time
Him: ever since we kissed
Me: that’s not true
Him: why dont you think thats true
Me:okay #1 you dont even remember it
#2 you told me right afterwards that it didnt mean anything
#3 the day after you just talked about abby the entire time like you always did and about how hot she was and about how much you liked her
#4 the first time after we made out you said it was a mistake and it shouldnt happen again
and while we were making out (all the times over the summer) you said it would have been nicer to be doing it with abby but at least i was nice to you
Him: hey
i did not say that
Me: yes you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my goodness yes you did
Him:i did not say
Me: yes you did
Him: oh this is nice but abby would be better
absolutely not
Me: yes you did
yes you did
yes you did
Him: you interpreted what i said that way
Me: no
Him: and besides
i didnt even think you liked me
Me: your exact words were “as much as i wish i was doing this with abby at least you’re nice to me”
and at that point i wasnt gunning for a relationship
with ANYONE
i did not mean at that time
i meant that when me and abby actually were in our pseudo phase there (before i kissed you) i wished i had actually done that more bc she was just mean
not that id rather have been making out with her at that time
and regardless
there was a point early on where i knew i liked you the most i enjoyed spending time with you the most and you were my goal
and then from there it was all about cutting them lose with minimum conflict
and then i didnt even care about that i just did it and they got mad but i at least knew you were worth it
and are
and baby youre the best thing to ever happen to me and being with you was the best decision i ever made
and the transition was rough and i cant ever forgive myself for how i made you feel
Me: then why were you still texting abby things like telling her that you’d have to kick your roommates out when she came and visited
Him: but now its much much different
Me: you were telling her that kind of stuff in september
Him: because i knew she wouldnt visit
Me: and telling ME about it
yeah well you still told her that!!!!!!!
Him: bc i wanted to be honest with you
i wasnt going to hide what i was saying
Me: well why were you telling her those things?
Him: bc i knew you came first
Me: yeah that makes sense
Him: BC THATS WHAT SHE EXPECTED
Me: oh that makes total sense i get it now!!!!!!!
even though you broke things off with her over the summer
Him: so i told her what she wanted to hear
Me: you also told me that
Him: knowing it wouldnt happen
Me: remember?
like a few months ago
you told me that she called you and said that you might as well just break things off
oh i remember it was because i said i thought you needed closure with her
when you were having trouble with her
and you said you already did have it
because of how she called you
and then you were still texting her that kind of stuff
Him: yes but then she started talking like she wanted to visit and continue with that
so i played along
Me: because that was clearly necessary
Him: baby please believe me that my sincerety was toward you and not abby or trina
Me: well i never got ANY of that and all i saw was you with them
and all you talked about was them
and all you talked about for the majority of last year was them
and when they were giving you hell for those few months i wanted to be there for you
but you were giving ME hell
Him: most of that wasnt positive things
it was things like oh why do i bother trying to be friends with the still
and i wanted to talk to you about it
and i did
bc you made me feel better about it
but i wouldve held it all in if i knew what it was doing to you
baby
i cant do anything about it now
im so so sorry
beyond belief
Me: i didnt want you to hold it all in
Him: well i shouldve
Me: i dont even know why you wanted to be friends with them
no you shouldnt have!!!!!!!!!!
Him: and its pretty clear
Me: shut up
if you were feeling it
i wanted you to tell me
it was the fact that you were feeling it that was upsetting me
Him: yeah well its not like you were very open
it was like pulling teeth to get you to say what was bothering you
and sometimes you stil dont tell me
Me: i do too
Him: not all the time
not until like now
and all of this is pouring out
Me: this is old stuff
i’ve been better lately
i’m just trying to understand
Him: and im trying to remember what was going through my head!
Me: it would be easier for me to understand if you said you didnt like me at all before and you felt like being a jerk but all of a sudden you realized you liked me and tah dah that’s what happened
Him: instead of just babbling
Him: im sorry i shouldnt have said since we kissed i got the wrong sequence
but after i knew i liked you i shouldve just been completely plain and direct so even though they wouldve gotten mad so what. they did anyway
Me: well even after you liked me you never told me
Him: so my idea of avoiding conflict failed anyway
idk why
im sorry
Me: idk how you thought you could have avoided it that makes no sense
if it was all me blah blah blah
Him: stop that
no blah blah blah
Me: okay i’m sorry
that was uncalled for on my part
Him: BC GUESS WHAT?!
IF THAT WAS BLAH BLAH BLAH I WOULDNT BE WITH YOU NOW
AND WOULDNT LOVE YOU LIKE I DO
AND I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN INTO FIGHTS FOR YOU
and
today
you wouldnt be everything that matters in my world
so
at least for me
I thank god tht wasnt blah blah blah
…im sorry
im in no position to jump down your throat for ANYTHING
baby this relationship hasnt been a fake rouge you know
ive been meaning that i love you for a long time now its not like i never mean what i say
Me: but sometimes you didnt
yes or no?
baby you gotta understand i’m not trying to fight with you i’m fighting with myself
i’m rooting for you to convince me
i want you to win even though i know by this point that i shouldnt
sometimes you didnt mean what you said
but you insisted you did mean it
and i made myself believe you
i dont want that to happen again
Him: baby it wasnt exactly like oh i was just saying **** and i didnt mean it
it was different
and i cant explain what it was
but that died a while ago
and if you dont know by now
itll never happen again
like it just cant
as sure as i trust you
thats how much you can trust me
i know you dont yet
but you could
and if you did you wouldnt regret it
Trina cheated on him, and Abby treated him like dirt:
Him: baby i cant even imagine what i put you through
well… i can
and thats why im so bothered by it
bc i know what that (and worse) is like
and i cant believe i put someone else through something like that
like i basically failed as a person completely
i promised myself i wouldnt hurt anyone like i got hurt
and i managed to do it anyway
not in the same way but still
i cant really ever forgive myself for it
and you have no idea how much i hate that
knowing something is permanent
and set in stone
thats so wrong
and imperfect
and shouldnt have happened
it eats away at me more than youll ever know
so at least im not getting off with no penalty
Me: baby you dont just love me because i try to be good to you do you? because i’m good for you?
you love me bc i’m me right?
Him: you dont even have to ask that
love isnt logical
or with reason
i just love you
Me: sometimes i worry you just want me around bc i’m good to you
and that when i get upset and you start acting nicer
its just bc you dont want me to leave you
Him: well no it was bc i wanted you to feel better bc i love you
and well if you did leave me id be devistated
but im concerned with your feelings
baby i just want you here
Me: you said you were telling abby that stuff bc thats what she expected you to tell her
plus you werent even sure i liked you
right?
but after you absolutely knew i liked you
after i told you
you asked if you could make out with abby and/or trina
and told courtney it was just a phase
so where does that fit in?
if you knew you wanted me the most and you wanted to cut your ties with abby and trina
and you knew you had me
i’m thinking you still wanted them
and didnt start wanting just me until sometime in novemberish about
Him: i suppose your right
i wasnt sure what i wanted for a while at that point
maybe i hadnt decided you were the one yet
im not really sure when it was
but i know that after that point it was all you
so when i would say things like that about them i guess i wasnt sure
so what im saying
is where that point fits in
is before i decided on you for sure
I know :) I know I’ve given him way too many chances and I’m giving him way too many chances. I feel like it’s only fair to let him explain himself before I ditch him for good. But his explanations aren’t really making much sense, and he’s contradicting himself… I just wanted to hear what you guys thought after all that. Pretty sure I know the answer though :)
Well I think hes lecherous, womanising user. Who has been taking advantage of your good nature and obvious love for him that he in no way whatsover felt back. He manipulated you with excuses and empty promises, chipped away at your self esteem and just kept seeing other girls because he was getting away with it.
Dump him and find someone whose honest, genuine, caring and most importanly respects and takes into consideration other people. Hes a ******* tosser and you can do much better so get rid of the **** and start fresh.
ATearFromHeaven
nab
Morally Ambiguous JD